bluerains2
New Member
- Nov 19, 2025
- 3
i've done so much internal work just trying to understand and reign in and cope with my brain and my trauma. and i have made progress, to some degree. i'm in an infinitely better place than i was even just a year ago... certainly better than further in the past than that. but i'm still not okay. i'm still not happy. i'm still not functional, not like i should be.
i put so so so so so much time and energy into just meeting my very basic needs and keeping up the appearance of being normal and fine and having it all together, and i've gotten really damn good at that over the years, so i've just pushed myself into this place of complete internal isolation. because if all my problems are invisible, they aren't real to anyone other than myself.
what would i even do if i reached out to someone, or they reached out to me? i don't know what would materially concretely help me. what does "i'm here for you" even mean? i'm not going to trauma-dump onto my friends and acquaintances. i don't know what i could try that i haven't already.
i also don't want to reach out because i don't want people to see me differently, or get misconceptions about me, or start projecting all sorts of misinfo and stigma and cultural fuckery onto me... there's a reason my therapist and psychiatrist are the only people in my life who know i have a dissociative disorder. my relationships inherently suffer because of my symptoms, but i fear i'd really just push everyone away if i let them in enough for them to connect all the threads.
but then that just makes me further isolate myself. i don't know.
i guess i've just had very little energy lately and it's really been wearing on me. i'm too dissociated to feel present in reality most of the time anyway. i wish i knew what it was like to have a continuous sense of time and self. it takes so much internal coordination and so many resources just to convince people that i do. i just want to live in the real world. i don't want to die because i want to live, but not being able to live makes me loop back around to wanting to die, at least reflexively. i'm exhausted
i put so so so so so much time and energy into just meeting my very basic needs and keeping up the appearance of being normal and fine and having it all together, and i've gotten really damn good at that over the years, so i've just pushed myself into this place of complete internal isolation. because if all my problems are invisible, they aren't real to anyone other than myself.
what would i even do if i reached out to someone, or they reached out to me? i don't know what would materially concretely help me. what does "i'm here for you" even mean? i'm not going to trauma-dump onto my friends and acquaintances. i don't know what i could try that i haven't already.
i also don't want to reach out because i don't want people to see me differently, or get misconceptions about me, or start projecting all sorts of misinfo and stigma and cultural fuckery onto me... there's a reason my therapist and psychiatrist are the only people in my life who know i have a dissociative disorder. my relationships inherently suffer because of my symptoms, but i fear i'd really just push everyone away if i let them in enough for them to connect all the threads.
but then that just makes me further isolate myself. i don't know.
i guess i've just had very little energy lately and it's really been wearing on me. i'm too dissociated to feel present in reality most of the time anyway. i wish i knew what it was like to have a continuous sense of time and self. it takes so much internal coordination and so many resources just to convince people that i do. i just want to live in the real world. i don't want to die because i want to live, but not being able to live makes me loop back around to wanting to die, at least reflexively. i'm exhausted
