Venting figuring out how and why to stay alive is hard

[bluerains2]

i don't think i'm ever going to end up actually killing myself. my most recent attempt was years ago now. and now i have people in my life that i'd hurt if i were to go through with it. i don't want to leave a negative impact in the world. i can't go that route.

but i think i still need some level of suicidal ideation to cope with being alive at all. because i need to know i have a way out. if i don't have a way out, i'm just trapped. and the horrible horrible crushing panicked dread of being trapped is much more likely to make me actually try something again. it's what led to it last time.

the external reality around me is not getting better and is objectively not going to get better within my natural lifespan, so the only way to live is to find some way to cope with that. find glimpses of beauty and happiness within the cracks. if i don't have a future, what matters is the present. i know that. i know that.

and i know i'm only sabotaging myself when i keep getting paralyzed and drowning in the overwhelming horror of the world and the future and the rot and decay and the suffering and etc. i keep tearing myself open because of things i can't control, and that only takes time and energy away from the present, so i end up with more lost and wasted time, and then i can just feel the clock ticking, the time running out, and that paralyzes me further, so i end up in these horrible loops.

part of that is definitely my ocd, with the thought loops and how they work. i fucking hate my brain. i just want a normal brain. i probably shouldn't dump the whole big list of my diagnoses here but yeah it's so fucking frustrating knowing so much is inherently neurologically working against me and i'll never be able to experience what it's like to function like a real human being should.

i'm kinda just stuck in this purgatorial space, which i hate. because if i'm gonna force myself to stay alive then i should be able to do something while i'm here. i need to get out of the paralysis somehow. i'd rather feel pain than apathy.

 

[grapefruit04]

Your thoughts are very human. I'm in a similar situation, I have people I don't want to hurt, which is why I'm alive right now, but it doesn't feel like enough to go through the trials and tribulations of life. I have to rethink my reason for living daily, and I still haven't figured it out yet. I started doing little things for my health everyday, it's not a big change but I feel less stuck after feeling stuck for years

 

[looking4partner]

i don't think i'm ever going to end up actually killing myself. my most recent attempt was years ago now. and now i have people in my life that i'd hurt if i were to go through with it. i don't want to leave a negative impact in the world. i can't go that route.

but i think i still need some level of suicidal ideation to cope with being alive at all. because i need to know i have a way out. if i don't have a way out, i'm just trapped. and the horrible horrible crushing panicked dread of being trapped is much more likely to make me actually try something again. it's what led to it last time.

the external reality around me is not getting better and is objectively not going to get better within my natural lifespan, so the only way to live is to find some way to cope with that. find glimpses of beauty and happiness within the cracks. if i don't have a future, what matters is the present. i know that. i know that.

and i know i'm only sabotaging myself when i keep getting paralyzed and drowning in the overwhelming horror of the world and the future and the rot and decay and the suffering and etc. i keep tearing myself open because of things i can't control, and that only takes time and energy away from the present, so i end up with more lost and wasted time, and then i can just feel the clock ticking, the time running out, and that paralyzes me further, so i end up in these horrible loops.

part of that is definitely my ocd, with the thought loops and how they work. i fucking hate my brain. i just want a normal brain. i probably shouldn't dump the whole big list of my diagnoses here but yeah it's so fucking frustrating knowing so much is inherently neurologically working against me and i'll never be able to experience what it's like to function like a real human being should.

i'm kinda just stuck in this purgatorial space, which i hate. because if i'm gonna force myself to stay alive then i should be able to do something while i'm here. i need to get out of the paralysis somehow. i'd rather feel pain than apathy.

I feel unbearable emotional pain now and desperately wish I could go back to apathy and anhedonia and numbness. Not that it was good, but my current state is torturous now in a way that I had never realized was possible until it happened to me.

Sorry about comparing.

I do relate to the OCD thought looping. They are also the worst things I could imagine and I have no idea how to get out of them once they start.

They say that feeling trapped is one of the signs/hints/feelings before someone is going to attempt. I used to just feel trapped living life & also trapped by controlling people close to me. But now, I also feel trapped in my own body & controlled by it because of my conditions which is like another deeper level of hell :(

I also feel a lot of horror about the future and the world. Especially because it seems like it has become acceptable and common for everyone in society to express more anger, hatred, and meanness since around the time that Covid started.

Oh, I just realized that this is the recovery section. I have heard some people saying that ketamine & DBT has helped with their ideation. Or even helped them recover from it for some people, but it was not exactly a quick process. More like a journey of slowly improving until many things were much better in their coping abilities, mental health tendencies, and about their life circumstances.

And that ERP therapy & TMS can help with OCD.

I am sorry, I actually hate when people give unsolicited advice when I'm depressed. But I wish that I had been told about some of these treatments before my circumstances & life situation deteriorated to the level that they have now become and could have tried them earlier when they were much more accessible to me and I had more control over my own life which I didn't realize I was going to lose.