BurgundySnap
Sick of being sick
- Jul 19, 2023
- 76
My mind is becoming a bit untethered over time, so I am very sorry for the disjointedness of my words.
I don't know what I did to deserve this. I believe in reincarnation, so maybe I was a horrible person in a past life that justifies being sick. Not that alone, my parents don't see a big deal in this thing that will kill me. My father tried to justify it a long time ago, but it is like he is not listening. One of my friends told me that I was being gaslit, and I honestly cannot tell anymore if it is true or not. I wish that somehow, I can learn what I did to deserve this so I can repent or redeem. Maybe it wouldn't help, but I don't know what else to think or do. Knowing what I did to justify this would most likely bring closure, but it is impossible to learn details like that, and silly to some people.
Maybe a year ago, I remember walking in a parking lot and someone in her car yelling for the c-word to get out of her way. And I am so disjointed that I don't even know if I can say that word. It all happened gradually, so I don't know where it definitively all started to say that. But, it makes me understand that people really see you differently even if they promise they won't. I feel so useless to not even know what to do or where it started. It isn't like it can get better. There is no regime or cell therapy to reverse it, only prolong this life. Because I don't know what I did for this, I cannot tell if I should be repenting or mourning. I don't think I was ever alive.
I'm like a ghost haunting a house, but I'm not scaring anyone. The tenants know I'm there in the walls, and know I'm harmless so don't call the priest to exorcise me. And maybe I only have two paths: Waiting for the house to crumble down one day, or being exorcised.
I don't know what I did to deserve this. I believe in reincarnation, so maybe I was a horrible person in a past life that justifies being sick. Not that alone, my parents don't see a big deal in this thing that will kill me. My father tried to justify it a long time ago, but it is like he is not listening. One of my friends told me that I was being gaslit, and I honestly cannot tell anymore if it is true or not. I wish that somehow, I can learn what I did to deserve this so I can repent or redeem. Maybe it wouldn't help, but I don't know what else to think or do. Knowing what I did to justify this would most likely bring closure, but it is impossible to learn details like that, and silly to some people.
Maybe a year ago, I remember walking in a parking lot and someone in her car yelling for the c-word to get out of her way. And I am so disjointed that I don't even know if I can say that word. It all happened gradually, so I don't know where it definitively all started to say that. But, it makes me understand that people really see you differently even if they promise they won't. I feel so useless to not even know what to do or where it started. It isn't like it can get better. There is no regime or cell therapy to reverse it, only prolong this life. Because I don't know what I did for this, I cannot tell if I should be repenting or mourning. I don't think I was ever alive.
I'm like a ghost haunting a house, but I'm not scaring anyone. The tenants know I'm there in the walls, and know I'm harmless so don't call the priest to exorcise me. And maybe I only have two paths: Waiting for the house to crumble down one day, or being exorcised.
