loslassen
call me jvne
- Dec 8, 2023
- 161
It's been very long:
so much I don't even know where to start, I doubt more than a couple know me, WVEN less to remember me, and I hope those of you whom I might not hear of again since the last time I was here are okay, or better or at peace.
I don't know if I'm not.
I feel like Im better, like ive overcome my depression, so all here is me rambling about the "normal" ups and downs of a healing person.
but the reason I didn't place this in the recovery forum is because this text will likely be rather pessimistic, though I try not to associate that behavior or perspective with my persona too much. After all, moving on with your live while having been consistently suicidal is not something you'll ever completely heal from to the point you feel like it didn't happen, it simply doesn't work that way- it's a scar.
I was evicted not too long ago, I'm no longer living with my dad and I lost contact with him such as I couldn't maintain a healthy relationship with him until further notice. I confessed to both my parents about my attempt, gave them my goodbye letters in an attempt to make them realize how much they hurt me. my mom seems mentally blocked about the topic, behaves like it didn't happen; just moved on from it. but she's been treating me nicely and has grown so much as a person herself. and my dad has been crushed, narcissistic and unable to accept his mistakes, trying to blame everyone even myself.
ive been having to deal with my sister's mood swings (like always) except she's growing and changing I think, so I try to help her, but she's very draining to share a house with.
I'm away from my best friend, and I miss her a lot, she is the only person I'm physically comfortable with so her being so far has taken a toll on my socialization skills and emotional stability, but at least I'm aware and deal with it.
I'm going to see my long distance partner soon, I haven't processed it. I think it with be healing to meet them.
overall I kinda feel low and drained most days, yet the half of my brain plans, heals and accepts. I feel like my head is split into half. I don't feel like two different people, but my thoughts being so rational, objective and healing compared to my emotional exhaustion is not a nice mix. though I don't think I deal with mood swings, I still feel like my brain is in half.
Ive been resurfacing sexual trauma unintentionally, and it's been really making me subconsciously tense, I feel at the verge of crying a lot of the time, and though I don't feel like a stranger in this home and with these people, I feel like I could never trust them enough, specially my sister, she never brings me comfort, as much as I say I need her to be a figure in my life, as much as I do genuinely want to help her and know pushing her away would do more harm to her, I don't think being honest could be better than putting myself on the side a little, all while remaining comfortable enough with not being vulnerable to her.
my moms been suggesting therapy, and though I think she never has the right words, I think she sees this, because nobody in my life has the ability to handle all of… this. not even my boyfriend, specially now that he has even more responsibilities and an increasing pressure on himself, back then he was able to devote his time to me, but he was also just, not too whole to himself, and I could never ask him to do that again, it's impossible, we're growing older and have bigger things in our hands now.
I used to have this growing sense of abandonment, but not like people abandoned me on purpose, I just felt left behind, and though I think I'm getting over it, I'm still afraid it'll come back.
maybe I will share this to a therapist. I'm just an entire person to handle, to be opened up, to be cracked and explored, have my aspects pointed out to me, but I've already had too much Introspection, enough for me to know that the factors damaging me or refraining me from healing entirely remain as environmental, out of my control, unhealthy relationships, other people. but the dilema rests in my true inability and decision to not cut ties, because I love people and I can help them. all while trying to balance not sacrificing myself too much for them. feels like I'm juggling.
I don't like to lie I'm not a liar. still I told my partner and my best friend I would never think of taking my life again, that I'm not that hurt and alone anymore to do it, and while all of that is true, and I still recognize I wouldn't fall victim of depression and returning to old bad habits, still, I come back and type all of this in. that I still have dread of the future, and don't want to let go of the control over my own life.
so much I don't even know where to start, I doubt more than a couple know me, WVEN less to remember me, and I hope those of you whom I might not hear of again since the last time I was here are okay, or better or at peace.
I don't know if I'm not.
I feel like Im better, like ive overcome my depression, so all here is me rambling about the "normal" ups and downs of a healing person.
but the reason I didn't place this in the recovery forum is because this text will likely be rather pessimistic, though I try not to associate that behavior or perspective with my persona too much. After all, moving on with your live while having been consistently suicidal is not something you'll ever completely heal from to the point you feel like it didn't happen, it simply doesn't work that way- it's a scar.
I was evicted not too long ago, I'm no longer living with my dad and I lost contact with him such as I couldn't maintain a healthy relationship with him until further notice. I confessed to both my parents about my attempt, gave them my goodbye letters in an attempt to make them realize how much they hurt me. my mom seems mentally blocked about the topic, behaves like it didn't happen; just moved on from it. but she's been treating me nicely and has grown so much as a person herself. and my dad has been crushed, narcissistic and unable to accept his mistakes, trying to blame everyone even myself.
ive been having to deal with my sister's mood swings (like always) except she's growing and changing I think, so I try to help her, but she's very draining to share a house with.
I'm away from my best friend, and I miss her a lot, she is the only person I'm physically comfortable with so her being so far has taken a toll on my socialization skills and emotional stability, but at least I'm aware and deal with it.
I'm going to see my long distance partner soon, I haven't processed it. I think it with be healing to meet them.
overall I kinda feel low and drained most days, yet the half of my brain plans, heals and accepts. I feel like my head is split into half. I don't feel like two different people, but my thoughts being so rational, objective and healing compared to my emotional exhaustion is not a nice mix. though I don't think I deal with mood swings, I still feel like my brain is in half.
Ive been resurfacing sexual trauma unintentionally, and it's been really making me subconsciously tense, I feel at the verge of crying a lot of the time, and though I don't feel like a stranger in this home and with these people, I feel like I could never trust them enough, specially my sister, she never brings me comfort, as much as I say I need her to be a figure in my life, as much as I do genuinely want to help her and know pushing her away would do more harm to her, I don't think being honest could be better than putting myself on the side a little, all while remaining comfortable enough with not being vulnerable to her.
my moms been suggesting therapy, and though I think she never has the right words, I think she sees this, because nobody in my life has the ability to handle all of… this. not even my boyfriend, specially now that he has even more responsibilities and an increasing pressure on himself, back then he was able to devote his time to me, but he was also just, not too whole to himself, and I could never ask him to do that again, it's impossible, we're growing older and have bigger things in our hands now.
I used to have this growing sense of abandonment, but not like people abandoned me on purpose, I just felt left behind, and though I think I'm getting over it, I'm still afraid it'll come back.
maybe I will share this to a therapist. I'm just an entire person to handle, to be opened up, to be cracked and explored, have my aspects pointed out to me, but I've already had too much Introspection, enough for me to know that the factors damaging me or refraining me from healing entirely remain as environmental, out of my control, unhealthy relationships, other people. but the dilema rests in my true inability and decision to not cut ties, because I love people and I can help them. all while trying to balance not sacrificing myself too much for them. feels like I'm juggling.
I don't like to lie I'm not a liar. still I told my partner and my best friend I would never think of taking my life again, that I'm not that hurt and alone anymore to do it, and while all of that is true, and I still recognize I wouldn't fall victim of depression and returning to old bad habits, still, I come back and type all of this in. that I still have dread of the future, and don't want to let go of the control over my own life.
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