Hey guys, just an update. I'm still around because I've been scared to do it even with the varying time frames, but I know rationally that things will in no way get better and I'm tired of feeling so different and alone.
As cliched as it sounds, I feel like my brain works in a different way than mosts do; I don't seem to have the ability to hold opinions on things, people, or situations, I just revert back to an almost neutral state when I approach things even just a day later. I am broke, unemployed, have no family, a singular friend, rent far over due, have hair falling out/coughed up blood phlemg (sorry if too much info) out of the blue recently, and can't seem to comfort myself which Infeel you should be able to do by your 20's.
Being in the hotel rooms for two weeks or so has really caused me to sort of forget about things temporarily if that makes sense to everyone else, a bubble outside of my own reality, ignoring the real world and simply not giving a shit. I know I can't do this forever and must step up and need to find that inner-courage to just accept what I am doing today, and keep it.
After crushing all the pills into powder, I tried to put it into apple sauce but there was way way way too much to mix it and get rid of the taste, powdery consistancy, or the colour (expected that last oart though). I went back into walmart and bought 280 pills and am just going to down them instead as meto will move them from my stomach hopefully faster than they can be ejected out. I'm sorry to everyone here, I feel like I have been stringing you all along to a certain extent by not being able to do this and I just wanted to apologize to everyone for that.
The hotel gave me a free night so this is my last chance and I need to, Carpe Diem, so let this day be the one and that I may seize the moments I need to be successful. I can't bare the thought of failing yet again, as I went back to try the NN method last night again (found the sweet spot with my fingers but couldn't replicate with the ratchet and rolled up socks), I just want it all to end/want to die and now the only thing that seems to be holding me back is finding a way to take the four piles I made of pills in less than 10 minutes (70 in each pile).
If anyone has advice on general bulk pill swallowing that would be useful but I don't want to pose anymore trouble onto the community so I understand if I don't get an answer on that.
I have reached the point of just not feeling for the most part and I think that's another reason for worry, I just feel like I'm left to only feel fear and anxiety but have become numb to the rest but that numbness has always been there inside creeping and growing since I was a kid. I just need to grow a proper pair and do this. Multiple sources I've read in med journals say it could be as short as 2 hours but could take up to 18, I can only hope for the 2 hour goal and that the Lord may guide me on this fucking horrifying journey. To clarify I don't think that death is horrifying just simply the means of achieving it/the process of dying, no matter how I get there.
I need something that once I do it, there is no turning back, it is simply one action then I go about whatever it is I want to do. Hopefully that will just be a final listen to some music I enjoy while I gently drift off into an unending slumber and I may enter a comatose state before I start convulsions and that I won't be conscious to feel my heart give out but I need to accept it might just happen. I don't worry as much about hallucinations any more as eventually I will just be blinded by the medication (another side effect).
Again I am sorry SS but thank you for your support, its been sent to a heart that's been long closed off but your words made it through the shield I put around it and truly resonate with me and made me feel like a person. It's helped me accept that I'm going to be catching the bus and feel some sort of human contact/compassion before I do it. I appreicate each and everyone of you and will be posting a proper goodbye once I take my final meto dose. You all have meant the world to me. I feel nothing but love for you all. Goodnight and God bless.
I hope that you were able to find peace. 
I hope to see you soon on the other side.
Thank you N2B, I hope I may meet you on the otherside and that goes to the rest of you as well but most importantly that you may get there in the way you want and in a way that doesn't pain you at all, like simply falling into a dream
Continuing to wish you a safe journey if you decide to proceed.....
JGM the fact that you have been here since the beginning of my postings is more than I could ask for, consistany is the one thing I have been able to find natural comfort in so there aren't enough words brother
I echo jgm63's sentiments.
Junes, Thank you and the same that I have said for JGM applies to you as well you already know I'll have my eyes peeled once I cross over
To quote the great Frank Sinatra;
"You're riding high in April
Shot down in May
But I know I'm gonna change that tune
When I'm back on top, back on top in June"
...
"And I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cuttin' out but my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shakin' come here this July
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die"
I don't have a whole lot shaking this July nor the past few so it's time to roll myself up in a big ball and die
(Sorry for the long post guys, just had to get some stuff off my chest)
