Venting Update: my parents found out I am suicidal and called my psychiatrist

[nux_walpurgis]

She straight up told me that if I have active plans she will have me institutionalised. My heart stopped. I managed to convince her that what I have it's more of an "ideation" and not an active plan with set method and date.

She added some antidepressants to my prescription drugs. I have tried huge doses of benzodiazepines before, I have tried taking them with wine and they only brushed the surface of my stress. And she thinks a tiny bit of antidepressant is going to fix me? But of course, I should be grateful, the other option would be institutionalisation.

I am so done, so fucking done. I was so close to acquiring opioids, to finally have control over my life and death and it's gone, it's fucking gone. I want to scream. I will turn to my eating disorder again and fast to death, if no other option.

She said I should do psychotherapy. Maximum amount of time between sessions two weeks. It's horrible for me, horrible. Talking to some stranger about my personal life and and my deepest feelings, is literally so tiring for me, it takes so much energy. I did it once for the psychiatrist, now doing it again for the the therapist sounds traumatic. And every fucking week. Every two weeks if I'm lucky. Fuck that. Fuck everything.


I hate everyone's optimism about this, my psychiatrist's, my family's, "all problems can be solved" "just pray to God and everything will be better" "everything will be alright" " focus on the present, we will deal with the future later"

I hate it, I am so tired of hearing it. They don't understand some people are just made to be unhappy, that typical medicine cannot help.

It's like I have a cursed gene that won't let benzodiazepines work for me. I NEED something stronger. And no one, no one gets it! I can't deal with life without something stronger and they all talk about "talking therapy" and a tiny dose of antidepressant.

I want to scream, I want to cry, nobody understands

She straight up told me that if I have active plans she will have me institutionalised. My heart stopped. I managed to convince her that what I have it's more of an "ideation" and not an active plan with set method and date.

She added some antidepressants to my prescription drugs. I have tried huge doses of benzodiazepines before, I have tried taking them with wine and they only brushed the surface of my stress. And she thinks a tiny bit of antidepressant is going to fix me? But of course, I should be grateful, the other option would be institutionalisation.

I am so done, so fucking done. I was so close to acquiring opioids, to finally have control over my life and death and it's gone, it's fucking gone. I want to scream. I will turn to my eating disorder again and fast to death, if no other option.

She said I should do psychotherapy. Maximum amount of time between sessions two weeks. It's horrible for me, horrible. Talking to some stranger about my personal life and and my deepest feelings, is literally so tiring for me, it takes so much energy. I did it once for the psychiatrist, now doing it again for the the therapist sounds traumatic. And every fucking week. Every two weeks if I'm lucky. Fuck that. Fuck everything.


I hate everyone's optimism about this, my psychiatrist's, my family's, "all problems can be solved" "just pray to God and everything will be better" "everything will be alright" " focus on the present, we will deal with the future later"

I hate it, I am so tired of hearing it. They don't understand some people are just made to be unhappy, that typical medicine cannot help.

It's like I have a cursed gene that won't let benzodiazepines work for me. I NEED something stronger. And no one, no one gets it! I can't deal with life without something stronger and they all talk about "talking therapy" and a tiny dose of antidepressant.

I want to scream, I want to cry, nobody understands

And of course, what good talking therapy can even do if I can't talk truthfully about my wanting to die without the threat of being sent to impatient in an asylum?
The only thing I can do is finish with uni, fast to become skeletal and sick and then have my parents provide for me while I am a NEET.

 

[misatosdiary]

I hope I dont sound rude but why do your parents have the ability to call your therapist? If you were to hire your own therapist wouldnt you be able to not give your parents your therapist's number? In such a case you could simply tell your therapist what you want to tell your therapist (even tho the truth is best most people say) and you wouldn't have the problem of your parents calling ur therapist again