A while ago a post was made as an aftereffect of one particular panic attack which was foreseen days before. Unsettling themes occurred during the said period, including but not limited to, disconnect, impermanence, solipsism, (worse) derealization, demento- and monophobia, and perhaps (worse) paranoia and possibly grandiosity as well. Clarifying once more, there may follow some irrational thought processes which have in fact, been rationally resolved yet nonetheless remain in the form of defenses such as denial. Said post had themes which then slowly faded away about a week after the panic attack, thus giving me a chance at investigating rationally what could set up such ideas; only to then realize clashing inconsistencies, contradictions, and dissonances; which as said still partly remain. This post aims to discuss current issues and seeks for a temporary solution.
Minor changes have occurred to my routine and as a result I am now concerned about dying. Preciously days past and burnt by an escapism that resembled workaholism. Days would begin and end with ceaseless studying considered "productivity" which slowly had built-up concurrent with a cult-like obsession and overvaluation of productivity, setting it as an end rather than a mean and putting it above all other virtues, where anything in the way of it would be considered an evil. For the most part, all went well enough as my mind was mostly kept busy enough to refrain from wandering too much. However, times have changed now and I see myself closer to a foretold end. I was not expecting to make it alive thus for and thus never thought about the implications of such days, and thus the foretold end is closer than ever, hours each day my mind would be dedicated to it and I would not be able to think of anything else.
Put simply, an important exam was coming and now that is done. What isn't however is another set of exams following pretty soon whose materials aren't as mentally demanding and thus, leave parts of my mind unoccupied to then wander again; and since it is not as engaging it is easier to be bored and tire of it. Materials are now singular books containing less and simpler material, but are to be read and reread instead. This all is not to express my innate fear of these test, as I have apparently mentally become numbed and nothing seems to matter as much. What instead worries me is that I am feeling pushed all the time to hang myself. I have the means necessary¹ (rope or anchor not tested yet). These struggles have been with me and from the very beginning, I was running a risk that was to make it alive through this period². I am nearing the end of this period but also, my end as well.
¹ Specific plan is as follows. At around 2:30 am while all are asleep (not living home alone), I would leave to upstairs to take some rope that happens to be placed there, to then come back to my room and lock myself with available keys, to then... use a manual posted on this website by "Evelynn" if I remember correctly? Identified anchor point is ceiling fan. Note would be "Murderers. All murderers." This is not a plan I intended to devise or write down at any moment, it is instead a culmination of numerous times of distress, where one is not thinking necessarily rationally. Note was thought after the said panic attack, it is supposed to be persecutory, framing this as a murder. This is fully in line with numerous prior obsessive thoughts and urge to threaten everyone I know to suicide. Shortness and conciseness marks how I am not interested in communicating and that I have nothing to say to those who do not want to hear me. I am well aware that everything written in this paragraph is for me to take with a grain of salt and is not rational. I do not hold these views and I am aware they are irrational. I know how they have formed within me and I know their intricate reasoning that is self-contradictory.
² At first glance, it may seem insane that my concern is only to survive long enough to ace some exams. I am here to reassure that it absolutely is in fact, insane. I am aware of this thought pattern, it is idealizing some "freedom" that would follow afterwards. "Ace" is underlined and bolded since it is could mean more, as it implies perfectionism and further confirms some ideas said before and after. Simplified irrational thought process is as follows: if I ace these exams meant to determine my future, I will be in a top university surrounded by perfect people in a perfect environment and Iwouldn't be dying anymore would have easier access to support; I could get some job to pay for therapy; no one in any of my circles would be aware I am seeking help (possible paranoia here?). I am aware I am idealizing and that this is a dream, however... bare with me! There is a lot to be added, but put simply, I choose to believe this falsehood as it increases my chances of survival. There is some text on beliefs and criteria and on reason, and a recent shorter one on forgetting as well. Phrase underlined is a recurrent theme over dozens of texts written, perhaps implies hopelessness? Perhaps implies person has been struggling with survival for long enough that dreams are worlds where one isn't worried about number of days left.
This ends on a note explaining my (irrational) reason for staying. Given that each person is unique this thus would imply each would be able to add unique insight to the same knowledge, which then grants them inherent worth (review once more the obsession with productivity, this isn't a moral reasoning as morals have eroded enough already and instead morals are left as a means to justify and to survive; my personal views aren't mine and they are everyone's, the objective truth. My morals aren't mine and they are everyone's and everyone is obligated to follow them. This is not rational thinking. This is a result of prolonged isolation where the subject has lost the notion of an "other" existing at all, as again suggested by the previous post posted here.) Thus, a moral obligation that now follows is to be productive and produce either this insight that is a select form of capital, or to produce other capitals instead. Circumstances prompted for focus excessively on this said capital (subject not even in university!) and thus, moral obligation was to accumulate, to know more and to be more, to develop an extensive knowledge to then trivialize and minimize it merely calling it "literacy" (idea is that an average person is morally obligated to have this basic "literacy" whose most concrete definition would be being able to read and understand any form of literature; called literacy to distinguish it from synthesis that is delegated to professionals; idea is that professionals should be able to expand and any person should be able to at least confirm. This is an irrationally high standard, imposed by deranged "ethics" made up.) This all then aims to end on a note that subject is obligated to spread this agenda of perfectionism and workaholism so that no person would seek pleasure outside learning or producing, which subject falsely believes is a goal of spirituality and various religions; on the note that they promote detachment to material or other empty pleasures. In the end, this all urges subject to start a blog which is also justified by the felt need to leave behind a legacy (some ideas have multiple explanations because I tend to forget and then new ideas would follow to fill the void, my mind has eroded quite a bit, it is now harder to trust my "rational thoughts" anymore, as demonstrated above!)
I am worried about dying, this post got longer than needed.
Minor changes have occurred to my routine and as a result I am now concerned about dying. Preciously days past and burnt by an escapism that resembled workaholism. Days would begin and end with ceaseless studying considered "productivity" which slowly had built-up concurrent with a cult-like obsession and overvaluation of productivity, setting it as an end rather than a mean and putting it above all other virtues, where anything in the way of it would be considered an evil. For the most part, all went well enough as my mind was mostly kept busy enough to refrain from wandering too much. However, times have changed now and I see myself closer to a foretold end. I was not expecting to make it alive thus for and thus never thought about the implications of such days, and thus the foretold end is closer than ever, hours each day my mind would be dedicated to it and I would not be able to think of anything else.
Put simply, an important exam was coming and now that is done. What isn't however is another set of exams following pretty soon whose materials aren't as mentally demanding and thus, leave parts of my mind unoccupied to then wander again; and since it is not as engaging it is easier to be bored and tire of it. Materials are now singular books containing less and simpler material, but are to be read and reread instead. This all is not to express my innate fear of these test, as I have apparently mentally become numbed and nothing seems to matter as much. What instead worries me is that I am feeling pushed all the time to hang myself. I have the means necessary¹ (rope or anchor not tested yet). These struggles have been with me and from the very beginning, I was running a risk that was to make it alive through this period². I am nearing the end of this period but also, my end as well.
¹ Specific plan is as follows. At around 2:30 am while all are asleep (not living home alone), I would leave to upstairs to take some rope that happens to be placed there, to then come back to my room and lock myself with available keys, to then... use a manual posted on this website by "Evelynn" if I remember correctly? Identified anchor point is ceiling fan. Note would be "Murderers. All murderers." This is not a plan I intended to devise or write down at any moment, it is instead a culmination of numerous times of distress, where one is not thinking necessarily rationally. Note was thought after the said panic attack, it is supposed to be persecutory, framing this as a murder. This is fully in line with numerous prior obsessive thoughts and urge to threaten everyone I know to suicide. Shortness and conciseness marks how I am not interested in communicating and that I have nothing to say to those who do not want to hear me. I am well aware that everything written in this paragraph is for me to take with a grain of salt and is not rational. I do not hold these views and I am aware they are irrational. I know how they have formed within me and I know their intricate reasoning that is self-contradictory.
² At first glance, it may seem insane that my concern is only to survive long enough to ace some exams. I am here to reassure that it absolutely is in fact, insane. I am aware of this thought pattern, it is idealizing some "freedom" that would follow afterwards. "Ace" is underlined and bolded since it is could mean more, as it implies perfectionism and further confirms some ideas said before and after. Simplified irrational thought process is as follows: if I ace these exams meant to determine my future, I will be in a top university surrounded by perfect people in a perfect environment and I
This ends on a note explaining my (irrational) reason for staying. Given that each person is unique this thus would imply each would be able to add unique insight to the same knowledge, which then grants them inherent worth (review once more the obsession with productivity, this isn't a moral reasoning as morals have eroded enough already and instead morals are left as a means to justify and to survive; my personal views aren't mine and they are everyone's, the objective truth. My morals aren't mine and they are everyone's and everyone is obligated to follow them. This is not rational thinking. This is a result of prolonged isolation where the subject has lost the notion of an "other" existing at all, as again suggested by the previous post posted here.) Thus, a moral obligation that now follows is to be productive and produce either this insight that is a select form of capital, or to produce other capitals instead. Circumstances prompted for focus excessively on this said capital (subject not even in university!) and thus, moral obligation was to accumulate, to know more and to be more, to develop an extensive knowledge to then trivialize and minimize it merely calling it "literacy" (idea is that an average person is morally obligated to have this basic "literacy" whose most concrete definition would be being able to read and understand any form of literature; called literacy to distinguish it from synthesis that is delegated to professionals; idea is that professionals should be able to expand and any person should be able to at least confirm. This is an irrationally high standard, imposed by deranged "ethics" made up.) This all then aims to end on a note that subject is obligated to spread this agenda of perfectionism and workaholism so that no person would seek pleasure outside learning or producing, which subject falsely believes is a goal of spirituality and various religions; on the note that they promote detachment to material or other empty pleasures. In the end, this all urges subject to start a blog which is also justified by the felt need to leave behind a legacy (some ideas have multiple explanations because I tend to forget and then new ideas would follow to fill the void, my mind has eroded quite a bit, it is now harder to trust my "rational thoughts" anymore, as demonstrated above!)
I am worried about dying, this post got longer than needed.
