Story Up until now I've been lying about myself and what I do

[Kaisler]

I won't bore you with all the details but here's a quick rundown,

>Mom tells me to go to Germany to study
>I don't wanna go but at that time still cause I don't know what I want to learn
>Mom starts to guilt trip and gaslight me by saying "what you wanna do then ?"
>Accepts proposal
>Goes to Germany
>Goes to a preparation school first
>Grades fucking sucks
>Mom starts to talk about other kids who go to Germany and fails, she starts to guilt trip into doing better me a bit
>Finds what I want to do 1 semester in, studying language
>I'm studying economics
>Mfw
>Wants to tell mom about it but too scared of being criticized
>Mom asks about my grades
>I lie
>She falls for my lie
>2nd semester almost over
>No chance of passing the exam
>Flunks the test
>Not surprised.jpeg
>Mom asks how the test goes
>Smile.jpeg "I did well"
>Forges the certificate of completion with adobe
>Sends it to mom
>Starts to go downhill from here
>Receives letter of notice from the local municipal to pack up or repeat 2nd semester
>too scared to tell the truth
>Pretends to apply for a college
>Forges letter of acceptance for mom again
>Visa has expired for 2 weeks, because I still haven't decided
>receives Deportation warning notice
>Fucked.jpeg

Some of you might think, "you stupid asshat why don't you repeat 2nd semester." Here's the thing, I come from South East Asia, the "save one's face" and "don't bring shame" is very very prominent there. Coupled with the fact that my mother guilt trips me at the start to make me go to Germany. Now you maybe thinking "well why the fuck didn't you say 'no, I don't want to go?'." I always strive to be a good son, and I'm also the oldest one, so I have to make an example for the others (that's why my mother told me at least.) I know I fucked up by lying the whole time, lying is a ticking bomb, you may feel safe and assured by it but do know that it'll come around and bite you in the ass. My dad at first was very against me going to Germany but he gave in after my mother guilt tripped him by saying, "so you wanna him to become like you, going to a job everyday with meager salary ?" My mother is really a person who doesn't want to lose face with other people. She really wants to be at the top. She said once to me "I can't put hope in your father anymore, he's done. But you, I can put my hope in you." Basically she wants me to be the one who brings the family to the top of the social class. I really don't know the consequences of telling her the truth cause she's erratic. I'm thinking of ctb right now. Sorry if I bore you with this, feel free to ask if you wanna know something.

 

[logan]

Social, family and societal pressures can put a lot of pressure on you.

But I think it only helps to speak openly and honestly with your parents and to share your thoughts and feelings with them.
Everything else leads to even more suffering.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

That sounds like an awful mess. I hope you find a way to get out of it! Fuck social standing.

 

[deadverysoon]

why then isnt your mom the one who is going to work and get the high-position-super-social-extraterestrial- job?

what the fuck is she saying about your dad?
i mean - "he is done" and you have to be her next project or what?

nahh.... but i can imagine this must be a shitty situation...

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really stressful what you are going through. I wish you the best.

 

[rosie93]

I'm just like you. Lost so many years because I was lying to myself and people around me. Should have seek some help years ago.

 

[Manaaja]

I'm sorry your situation is awful. I've read a lot about parental and societal pressure in Asian countries.

I saw an interview with a North Korean who had risked his and his family's lives to escape to South Korea. But the pressure to be "socially great", study hard from dawn to dusk, and then try get a good job, etc. it was too much for him and he tried to commit suicide. Yes, he literally preferred the life in North Korea to life in South Korea (or in similar countries) because in North Korea people just take their parents jobs while elsewhere you must study hard to get a job, and you might still not get a job, and even if you do get a job, you have to work long hours in it, because Asian countries have so many people that if one says "I can't do this" there are a million who say "Well, I can". You are in a constant competition. And I saw one document about China and the people there worked six days a week because "There's a billion people. if you are not willing to work for six days a week, then someone else will".

I wish I could offer some advice to your situation, but I have no idea what to do in that situation. Aside from not caring about what your mom says. She says those things because people around her say those things. She's just an echo of the people around her. She's not thinking, she's repeating. I suggest you do what you want. Though the deportation thing is a huge block in the way. I don't really understand countries. Countries should be created based on traits like "asperger" and "no-asperger" and "hetero" and "gay" and not on cultures, languages, families, or things. It's ridiculous that animals have more rights; they can travel between countries, but humans can't because there's some imagery human-made lines. Like I couldn't give a fuck who comes and goes to my country as long as they're a good person. Like if I, a person with asperger, can live without having a xenophobic meltdown about someone's country of origin, then maybe people who create countries shouldn't create them if they can't live one single human life without bitching about unimportant things. *ahem*

I wish a shitty mom was a reason enough to get a safe haven from an EU country. Maybe try telling your dad about your situation. From what little you wrote, he seems more sensible.

I can understand why you'd have faked those things. My mom is a nosy narc and sometimes I have had to lie to her too because otherwise she's bitch and I hate listening to bitching.

And it's probably very hard to get good grades in a foreign country especially with mom breathing down the neck. So, don't blame yourself too much. I'd probably ended up in the same situation.

Well, either ctb if you want or if you want to continue, I'd suggest trying to move out of your parents's house. I hope it's not one of the places where rents are super high like in Hong Kong. Or try to move to another country permanently.

I'm sorry for your situation. But it's not your fault. It's the fault of your mom and EU for being bitches. Germany really should just let you stay there if you want. ...isn't it Nazist of Germany to not want foreign people in Germany?

 

[Kaisler]

I'm sorry your situation is awful. I've read a lot about parental and societal pressure in Asian countries.

I saw an interview with a North Korean who had risked his and his family's lives to escape to South Korea. But the pressure to be "socially great", study hard from dawn to dusk, and then try get a good job, etc. it was too much for him and he tried to commit suicide. Yes, he literally preferred the life in North Korea to life in South Korea (or in similar countries) because in North Korea people just take their parents jobs while elsewhere you must study hard to get a job, and you might still not get a job, and even if you do get a job, you have to work long hours in it, because Asian countries have so many people that if one says "I can't do this" there are a million who say "Well, I can". You are in a constant competition. And I saw one document about China and the people there worked six days a week because "There's a billion people. if you are not willing to work for six days a week, then someone else will".

I wish I could offer some advice to your situation, but I have no idea what to do in that situation. Aside from not caring about what your mom says. She says those things because people around her say those things. She's just an echo of the people around her. She's not thinking, she's repeating. I suggest you do what you want. Though the deportation thing is a huge block in the way. I don't really understand countries. Countries should be created based on traits like "asperger" and "no-asperger" and "hetero" and "gay" and not on cultures, languages, families, or things. It's ridiculous that animals have more rights; they can travel between countries, but humans can't because there's some imagery human-made lines. Like I couldn't give a fuck who comes and goes to my country as long as they're a good person. Like if I, a person with asperger, can live without having a xenophobic meltdown about someone's country of origin, then maybe people who create countries shouldn't create them if they can't live one single human life without bitching about unimportant things. *ahem*

I wish a shitty mom was a reason enough to get a safe haven from an EU country. Maybe try telling your dad about your situation. From what little you wrote, he seems more sensible.

I can understand why you'd have faked those things. My mom is a nosy narc and sometimes I have had to lie to her too because otherwise she's bitch and I hate listening to bitching.

And it's probably very hard to get good grades in a foreign country especially with mom breathing down the neck. So, don't blame yourself too much. I'd probably ended up in the same situation.

Well, either ctb if you want or if you want to continue, I'd suggest trying to move out of your parents's house. I hope it's not one of the places where rents are super high like in Hong Kong. Or try to move to another country permanently.

I'm sorry for your situation. But it's not your fault. It's the fault of your mom and EU for being bitches. Germany really should just let you stay there if you want. ...isn't it Nazist of Germany to not want foreign people in Germany?

Tbh my past me would probably look down on me, my past me was a very right wing person and he would look down on people who's depressed and suicidal. Ironic I know. Right now I don't even care about labels or people. Just wanna break away from this hell hole. Thank you for your words though.