Venting Unsure?

[highlyvolatile]

So honestly my mindset has been I am going to ctb before the years end. This has been my mindset since January. For the past two days ive been staying with a cousin and I really enjoy her company. I hadnt been thinking about ctb that much. But .. Id did a dumb and asked my ex too much and theyre absolutely unwilling to talk with me about some things and I just want closure.. but this isnt about them sorry i'd gotten off track. I had been talking with her and she'd asked me about May. Was I still going to new york with her in May. ... Honestly I dont think I'll survive til the end of march. So this just kinda made me think like.. what do I really want to do? I leave her place tomorrow and go back to staying wjth my father and his people and I hate it there. But I'm not doing shit with my life rn. I dont have money. I dont have a license or a car. What the fuck am I doing? I feel useless and like shit. And im still in love with my ex and he says he loves me too and fuck him. He's seeing someone else now and my heart is breaking into two. I wish I could erase my memory with one of those men in black things. I'd erase all the memories of our relationship. But agh im all over this and fjdf fuck shit. I i dont know. I dont want to live to see the end of the year. I really dont. Its hard making it through thr day without thinking hey. I can walk into incoming traffic. Or maybe i could jump from that bridge or that building. Until I'd found this community those were the only things I'd considered but maybe I could try SN or N or something else. But I dont want to be here. I've warned my sister and two of my best friends I wont be around much longer. And I mean that. I dont know when things reached this point but I never wanted to do much with my life. I'd wanted to go into the air force but my shitty health stopped that. So I went to college undecided. Got a degree I'll probably never use. I shouldve fucking gone to trade school. I'd put that into one of the many drafts for my suicide notes. I .. gosh sorry this is everywhere but my will to live is gone. Its been gone for a while and its so fucking hard to pretend like I want to be here. Also he's also not the reason why i want to ctb. Its many factors. He just makes me feel like shit.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey love..I understand ur frustration about school, job, relationship. Have u considered going back to trade school n do something u enjoy?

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Sorry to hear about the circumstances that have made you want to CTB. I guess we all have our reasons for wanting to end it. I wish I could erase my memory as well for all the stupid shit I've done. It's tough getting over an ex. I'm still not over one of mine either. Also not my reason for wanting to CTB. Not even close.
Just living in this shitty world … not having any brains … working shit jobs is enough. Everyday I struggle just to get through. I'm hoping that I don't just snap and end up in jail or the psych ward.
I would recommend a more peaceful exit … if that is possible. Not encouraging you to do anything. Just being here talking to people who actually understand helps.

 

[highlyvolatile]

Hey love..I understand ur frustration about school, job, relationship. Have u considered going back to trade school n do something u enjoy?

I could but im afraid I wouldnt be able to afford it. I'd also like am already in debt from college. Id have to figure out how to fund my schooling. And id give it a shot if I could. I can try to find something I enjoy now.

Sorry to hear about the circumstances that have made you want to CTB. I guess we all have our reasons for wanting to end it. I wish I could erase my memory as well for all the stupid shit I've done. It's tough getting over an ex. I'm still not over one of mine either. Also not my reason for wanting to CTB. Not even close.
Just living in this shitty world … not having any brains … working shit jobs is enough. Everyday I struggle just to get through. I'm hoping that I don't just snap and end up in jail or the psych ward.
I would recommend a more peaceful exit … if that is possible. Not encouraging you to do anything. Just being here talking to people who actually understand helps.

Yeah i feel that. Ive been thinking a lot that. Im gonna spend the rest of my life working my life away. Thats depressing as fuck wow. Working til i get old and retire and die. But i dont want to get old. I took care of my grandparents for a period of time and they cant do much for themselves and I dont want that for myself. I already have tons of meds that im supposed to be taking that im not. Like this isnt what I want at all.... And I'd considered checking myself into a psych ward a few days ago. And yes! a peaceful method is what I want to go for. I just hadnt decided on one but I want to go sooner rather than later. I'm anxious and depressed all the fucking time its awful why.. and no im greatful for all the people who understand how i feel it really helps, I love it.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I could but im afraid I wouldnt be able to afford it. I'd also like am already in debt from college. Id have to figure out how to fund my schooling. And id give it a shot if I could. I can try to find something I enjoy now.

Yeah and u might b eligible for some grants! U never know! ..U got this!

 

[highlyvolatile]

Yeah and u might b eligible for some grants! U never know! ..U got this!

I'll try to look into it. ♡ Thanks ) If i can go to trade school i'll do that cause with my degree id have to get a masters for it to amount to anything.

 

[Lostandfound7]

OK well trade school it is!!..So proud of u!♡♡♡

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I could but im afraid I wouldnt be able to afford it. I'd also like am already in debt from college. Id have to figure out how to fund my schooling. And id give it a shot if I could. I can try to find something I enjoy now.

Yeah i feel that. Ive been thinking a lot that. Im gonna spend the rest of my life working my life away. Thats depressing as fuck wow. Working til i get old and retire and die. But i dont want to get old. I took care of my grandparents for a period of time and they cant do much for themselves and I dont want that for myself. I already have tons of meds that im supposed to be taking that im not. Like this isnt what I want at all.... And I'd considered checking myself into a psych ward a few days ago. And yes! a peaceful method is what I want to go for. I just hadnt decided on one but I want to go sooner rather than later. I'm anxious and depressed all the fucking time its awful why.. and no im greatful for all the people who understand how i feel it really helps, I love it.

I hate the thought of getting old and not being able to take care of myself. I see old people struggle whenever I go to the doctors office and think, I don't want to end up like that. I'm not going to have any kids that will "take care" of me when I'm old. I wouldn't want to do that to them and I don't want kids at all.
Why bring more lifeforms to this shithole planet to suffer. I have been anxious and depressed since I was a child. Never diagnosed with anything. My parents didn't have money for that. It sucks being poor and I will always be poor. I've had enough of this shit.

I'll try to look into it. ♡ Thanks ) If i can go to trade school i'll do that cause with my degree id have to get a masters for it to amount to anything.

I really hope you can make it work. It would be good to see someone make it … even if I can't.

 

[highlyvolatile]

I hate the thought of getting old and not being able to take care of myself. I see old people struggle whenever I go to the doctors office and think, I don't want to end up like that. I'm not going to have any kids that will "take care" of me when I'm old. I wouldn't want to do that to them and I don't want kids at all.
Why bring more lifeforms to this shithole planet to suffer. I have been anxious and depressed since I was a child. Never diagnosed with anything. My parents didn't have money for that. It sucks being poor and I will always be poor. I've had enough of this shit.

Me too. I've gone to doctors appointments with them and woke up to cook for them every morning, give them medicine, etc. Like they take so many meds all throughout the day. And they take them everyday. Grandpa goes to dialysis and its just so much more like... what... And I also dont even want kids cause I dont want to pass my health probleems and issues off to someone who doesnt deserve them.

And I agree, I dont wanna bring more people here to suffer either. And im really sorry you've been dealing with that for so long. And im so sorry. being poor sucks. its hard to get by.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Thought I would say hi & see how you are doing ?

 

[highlyvolatile]

Thought I would say hi & see how you are doing ?

Not the best, but im okay for now. How are you? and Hi

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Not the best, but im okay for now. How are you? and Hi

Surviving … that's is about all I can do. I'm a little better today cuz I don't have to work.

 

[highlyvolatile]

Surviving … that's is about all I can do. I'm a little better today cuz I don't have to work.

Im glad youre off work as well and what will you do with your off day? I've been sleeping most of the day

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Im glad youre off work as well and what will you do with your off day? I've been sleeping most of the day

I'm catching up on some tv. I tried to sleep in but that didn't happen. I'm gonna try to take a nap soon. I just want to not wake up ever.

 

[highlyvolatile]

I'm catching up on some tv. I tried to sleep in but that didn't happen. I'm gonna try to take a nap soon. I just want to not wake up ever.

I can relate on both those things. Ive been watching some tv but if it were possible to not wake up I'd take that chance