I-can-only-imagine
Student
- Apr 26, 2021
- 135
So after my incredibly close call, my father flew from the UK to stay with me a few months and it has cost him a large amount of money. Already I feel guilty about that.
Having him here has been the only reason I have not been readmitted to hospital. I love having him here but also feel suffocated and like I always have to put on a front and like I have a guest in the house. So everything gets bottled up which from past experience (multiple times) does not end well when the bottle explodes.
anyway. We were talking the other night and I told him EVERYTHING. He had a breakdown last year and was amazing about everything as he understood (he is doing so much better now and still has professional support whilst here so I wasn't worried about that). But he said something that I don't think he realised made me feel bad.
he said "don't you think loosing one daughter is enough for any person?" (We lost my sister to SIDS when I was 2). I love my dad to pieces but I have lived on the other side of the world from him for the last 7 1/2 years and still to this day remember the day she died and the aftermath over years that it had on my family.
I have been given the opportunity through work to move and have a fresh start, which is amazing and is still my plan A. But I am struggling to find a rental there and I can't do ANYTHING about moving forward until I have secured living arrangements. I am doing all I can but each day gets harder and harder when I don't have anywhere. CTB was plan C but is now back to plan B. Everyday it becomes closer and closer to being plan A. But now I am feeling so guilty and don't know if I can even do it whilst he is here. So now I have to wait until he feels comfortable enough to fly back home. Then he casually mentions he maybe here for 6 months rather than 2-3. He has said he will pay for my removalists etc which makes me feel even more guilty.
urgh. It is a never ending cycle. All my team know I have a plan for CTB but they just don't know what it is as I refuse to tell them because then they can intervene and take away my supplies etc. They know it is currently plan B and that everyday is getting harder. But because of where I am now compared to a month ago, and how much better I seem, they are happy.
sorry for the long rant. I just needed to get everything off my chest to people who understand. If you have read this far, then thank you.
Having him here has been the only reason I have not been readmitted to hospital. I love having him here but also feel suffocated and like I always have to put on a front and like I have a guest in the house. So everything gets bottled up which from past experience (multiple times) does not end well when the bottle explodes.
anyway. We were talking the other night and I told him EVERYTHING. He had a breakdown last year and was amazing about everything as he understood (he is doing so much better now and still has professional support whilst here so I wasn't worried about that). But he said something that I don't think he realised made me feel bad.
he said "don't you think loosing one daughter is enough for any person?" (We lost my sister to SIDS when I was 2). I love my dad to pieces but I have lived on the other side of the world from him for the last 7 1/2 years and still to this day remember the day she died and the aftermath over years that it had on my family.
I have been given the opportunity through work to move and have a fresh start, which is amazing and is still my plan A. But I am struggling to find a rental there and I can't do ANYTHING about moving forward until I have secured living arrangements. I am doing all I can but each day gets harder and harder when I don't have anywhere. CTB was plan C but is now back to plan B. Everyday it becomes closer and closer to being plan A. But now I am feeling so guilty and don't know if I can even do it whilst he is here. So now I have to wait until he feels comfortable enough to fly back home. Then he casually mentions he maybe here for 6 months rather than 2-3. He has said he will pay for my removalists etc which makes me feel even more guilty.
urgh. It is a never ending cycle. All my team know I have a plan for CTB but they just don't know what it is as I refuse to tell them because then they can intervene and take away my supplies etc. They know it is currently plan B and that everyday is getting harder. But because of where I am now compared to a month ago, and how much better I seem, they are happy.
sorry for the long rant. I just needed to get everything off my chest to people who understand. If you have read this far, then thank you.
