Its similar for me. I have taken the time to go through the process you mentioned. What still bothers me is not being able to say anything to the people I literally cannot contact- in that case, I think you're right in that I might need to forgive them/forgive myself in my own heart. I'm just not sure I really can. So you think leaving some things incomplete is okay?? It does not feel okay... I'm feeling quite disturbed, which is part of why I am leaving. I guess I have no choice but to let it be?
Also, I am so happy for you that you have been able to make so much progress and are at a good place right now <3
Well my dad was the one that told me about what I did. A few years ago, a past decision I had made was haunting me and I spent so much time of everyday thinking about how I might've hurt the person. I couldn't focus on having fun or working and it was a constant guilt. And I didn't have any info or way to contact them and I knew that I'd never be able to. And when I told my dad he said that the reason I couldn't move on was because I wasn't forgiving myself. He said that although it's true that I might not be able to ever apologize to them, to keep it as a reminder and lesson to not make the same mistake in the future. And after I sat down for a few hours/few days and really just thought for awhile to myself, I was able to forgive myself over time and focus on moving past the incident. It became less of a part of my life each day and now just is a reminder of a mistake I won't make to someone again. For those people that have wronged you and if there's no way to contact them or even people you've made mistakes with, I've found we simply have to move on, we either dwell on it forever and let it consume us, or we find a way to be forgiving and move forward. It is baggage that will only grow more over time and you don't need it. But that doesn't mean you can't keep mistakes as memories and reminders, they take up less space and weight anyways :) that's just what I believe/my opinion. I'm content only because I know that I have done 100% everything I possibly could to right my wrongs in life, forgive those I can't find, and forgive myself for hurting others I also won't be able to talk to. And reaching back to past friends with those messages. I was in a pretty bad place back in 2018 and I was just haunted by my past. I had not yet begun to do any of this at this time. I forget how exactly but I came across a film, by KyoAni (Kyoto Animation) called A Silent Voice. And for whatever reason, it really changed me for the better. It made me think of all the people I bullied or tormented, most of it was from 2010-2015. I had been bullied a lot when I was younger, and when I finally was part of a "group" at that age, they would make fun and bully others and I wanted to be "in" with the crowd, so I joined in not really caring about what was said. I realize now that I said some horrible things to different people, horrible jokes, racist terms, derogatory statements. I can only hope that they turned out well and I hope that they're doing well in life. There are around 2 people from 2010 or so that I was able to get in touch with who I had caused serious drama and even trauma to. I messaged them all of what I did and what happened and asked for their forgiveness for what I had done. I actually got replies from both of them. In summary, they had each moved on in life and were older, they had jobs and hobbies of their own, were living life and they said that although it was a bad experience at the time, they were able to move past it. They forgave me and we just talked for a bit about lots of stuff and seeing where life took each of us. We're not close friends or anything and didn't talk much after that, but I was glad that I was able to apologize to them and that they're doing well. So in 2018 shortly after that, I decided I wanted my life to be different and I only wanted to help people in life and make their lives easier. So from 2018-now, if I wronged someone, I've gone out of my way to write a message or apologize to them face-face. Whether it's an argument with a co-worker or online, or some other type of drama. Being able to admit being wrong, and forgive others has made me a better person. Watching what I say or do, thinking about others' feelings or how I might affect them, constantly looking for how I can help the person, has been life changing for me. I think that forgiving others and admitting a fault are two of the hardest things to do socially in life, but for me the first time each was the hardest, and eventually it's just become natural. I feel much more free in mind and living, and I'm not weighed down by my past. So even though things might be "incomplete" I know that I've done 100% everything I possibly could to fix things or talk to those that I could. Wether you think you can do those things or not is something only you can answer, but it doesn't hurt to try. I would say it took me many months even over time years to get around to backtracking and getting in touch with people or forgiving myself. It's not an instant process and may be hard, but for me, it was worth it 100%.
