Unbearable pain, worse than you can imagine. But still too scared to die

[offtoseethewizard]

I don't know what I want out of this post.

I just don't know why I can't do it. I'm genuinely in more pain than I ever thought possible. I have hallucinations. I can't watch tv due to cognitive decline (getting tested for dementia). Depression so visceral and thick that it feels like my brain is poisoned.

But after several 'attempts' hanging last year (I don't think you can call them attempts - I just got in the position and backed out every time), now with SN at the ready, I'm just stuck on the edge of decision, and I'm worried that I'm going to simply live out decades like this.

I don't know if anyone has advice?

I don't know.

Thankyou

 

[Iamtired]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this terrible. I know the heavy poison feeling well. I wish I had great advice, I'm in the same boat as you unfortunately. All ready with the method- in excruciating pain- but just can't seem to do it. I think best thing anyone ever said to me was "we know when we know" which is vague but succinct I think. We just know when enough is enough and it's time to stop stalling.

 

[lnlybnny]

i feel you, you're not alone. i'm sorry. it's not your fault, SI is sometimes much stronger than we can think

 

[offtoseethewizard]

Thanks guys. It's the seventh circle of hell really isn't it.

Wanting to die, not being able to think about anything but dying - but not being able to actually bring yourself to do the thing.

Stuck between a rock and a fucked place.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry your SI is so strong. Unfortunately we can endure so much more pain and suffering we cannot even imagine. The slightest piece of hope can disturb any attempt. I'm sorry u have to go through this.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I don't know what I want out of this post.

I just don't know why I can't do it. I'm genuinely in more pain than I ever thought possible. I have hallucinations. I can't watch tv due to cognitive decline (getting tested for dementia). Depression so visceral and thick that it feels like my brain is poisoned.

But after several 'attempts' hanging last year (I don't think you can call them attempts - I just got in the position and backed out every time), now with SN at the ready, I'm just stuck on the edge of decision, and I'm worried that I'm going to simply live out decades like this.

I don't know if anyone has advice?

I don't know.

Thankyou

I keep saying this . many even here i guess don't understand. most people have no idea how bad extreme pain can be. you never did ,neither did i. it's still difficult for me to even keep aware of this in this weak monkey / vertebrate / fish brain of mine for me to really get it .

i keep going back to the subconscious mind programming back to the distraction addictions like youtube etc. . i should realize how bad pain is and work to try to suicide and defeat si but it's very difficult to say no to the addictions like youtube social media news etc and realize the gravity of my situation take the risk of suicide etc.

logically in my my situation i know the most logical thing is to take this shotgun now and shootmyelf in inside the mouth. but it's difficult to get my brain to see this. only a small part of my brain realizes this. anad then the fear of failure si keeps saying i could fail and remain alive but in a worse condition. i know its not 100% but i have to take the chance in my sitution . i have sn also but worried my si will call someone etc

 

[lnlybnny]

Thanks guys. It's the seventh circle of hell really isn't it.

Wanting to die, not being able to think about anything but dying - but not being able to actually bring yourself to do the thing.

Stuck between a rock and a fucked place.

i admire so much the people who i see that ctb'd, i wonder what's their secret to overcome SI and everything. even saying to myself that i should do it it's still such a struggle

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

I don't know what I want out of this post.

I just don't know why I can't do it. I'm genuinely in more pain than I ever thought possible. I have hallucinations. I can't watch tv due to cognitive decline (getting tested for dementia). Depression so visceral and thick that it feels like my brain is poisoned.

But after several 'attempts' hanging last year (I don't think you can call them attempts - I just got in the position and backed out every time), now with SN at the ready, I'm just stuck on the edge of decision, and I'm worried that I'm going to simply live out decades like this.

I don't know if anyone has advice?

I don't know.

Thankyo

If you had someone to go with you would it be easier?

 

[davidtorez]

Everyone has their limitations to how much they can suffer, perhaps you haven't reached your limitation? I'm waiting for my conditions to tip me over the edge , si is a terrible thing really. It just prolongs the suffering for people like us

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Do you have the means to go at your disposal? Anything a gun, SN, do you have any methods to carry it out?

 

[offtoseethewizard]

Do you have the means to go at your disposal? Anything a gun, SN, do you have any methods to carry it out?

I do! I mixed a cup of SN today and just stared at it for an hour before pouring it down the toilet.

This has become a bit of a sadly impotent routine for me.

Terrifically frustrating

Everyone has their limitations to how much they can suffer, perhaps you haven't reached your limitation? I'm waiting for my conditions to tip me over the edge , si is a terrible thing really. It just prolongs the suffering for people like us

Yeah I hate to resign myself to that, but I'm afraid you're probably right.

It's a miserable end

If you had someone to go with you would it be easier?

Oh I don't know actually. I'd probably feel ethically confused about that.

I find the whole thing about pacts to be reasonably morbid personally. I don't think I'd want to feel like I had any influence over another's decision if you know what I mean..

 

[Helvete]

Thats natural, and its your subconcious telling you youre not ready yet. As annoying as it gets, that option will never go away so there really is no rush, and you never know when healing could come. I feel like that feeling is some vague form of hope that you have deep down.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

I do! I mixed a cup of SN today and just stared at it for an hour before pouring it down the toilet.

This has become a bit of a sadly impotent routine for me.

Terrifically frustrating

Yeah I hate to resign myself to that, but I'm afraid you're probably right.

It's a miserable end

I can attest to the fact that acceptance does come, that's where I'm at right now, I know I will never get better from what I'm dealing with, and I am ready. I would like to talk to you and a couple other people from this group a little bit before I go, but I'm not allowed to chat with anyone until after 4:00 this afternoon, mountain Time zone. Let me know if you would be open to a brief discussion privately. Thank you.

 

[offtoseethewizard]

Thats natural, and its your subconcious telling you youre not ready yet. As annoying as it gets, that option will never go away so there really is no rush, and you never know when healing could come. I feel like that feeling is some vague form of hope that you have deep down.

I don't think it's hope so much as fear

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

I do! I mixed a cup of SN today and just stared at it for an hour before pouring it down the toilet.

This has become a bit of a sadly impotent routine for me.

Terrifically frustrating

Yeah I hate to resign myself to that, but I'm afraid you're probably right.

It's a miserable end

Oh I don't know actually. I'd probably feel ethically confused about that.

I find the whole thing about pacts to be reasonably morbid personally. I don't think I'd want to feel like I had any influence over another's decision if you know what I mean..

Yes, I'm not interested in pacts or anything juvenile sounding, I'm not saying that to be unkind I just don't know how else to phrase it. I'm interested in someone being there with me at my end, it's not wrong, people in hospice and others want to be surrounded by or with someone that cares as well. That's all I'm talking about not something cryptic. I put a gun in my mouth everyday and practice pulling the trigger. You mixing up SN everyday might be something similar, just working up to what for me is going to be inevitable. Maybe one day you'll get the strength or 'knowing,' to actually swallow it and release yourself like me, hopefully on to something else to experience, something where we get another chance to not be disabled and suffering so much.

 

[offtoseethewizard]

I can attest to the fact that acceptance does come, that's where I'm at right now, I know I will never get better from what I'm dealing with, and I am ready. I would like to talk to you in a couple other people from this group a little bit before I go, but I'm not allowed to chat with anyone until after 4:00 this afternoon, mountain Time zone. Let me know if you would be open to a brief discussion privately. Thank yo

Yes, I'm not interested in pacts or anything juvenile sounding, I'm not saying that to be unkind I just don't know how else to phrase it. I'm interested in someone being there with me at my end, it's not wrong, people in hospice and others want to be surrounded by or with someone that cares as well. That's all I'm talking about not something cryptic. I put a gun in my mouth everyday and practice pulling the trigger. You mixing up SN everyday might be something similar, just working up to what for me is going to be inevitable. Maybe one day you'll get the strength or 'knowing,' to actually swallow it and release yourself like me, hopefully on to something else to experience, something where we get another chance to not be disabled and suffering so much.

Hey April, I'd maybe feel a bit uneasy about that as I mentioned. I might be inclined to talk you out of it as a reflex and I'm not sure you'd find that helpful. I think that's why I find it difficult to comment on goodbye threads as it is. It's the inner hypocrite inside me - I can't see it getting better for myself but I personally can't guarantee that about another's situation you know? Maybe that makes me weak I don't know. I can't PM you?

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Hey April, I'd maybe feel a bit uneasy about that as I mentioned. I might be inclined to talk you out of it as a reflex and I'm not sure you'd find that helpful. I think that's why I find it difficult to comment on goodbye threads as it is. It's the inner hypocrite inside me - I can't see it getting better for myself but I personally can't guarantee that about another's situation you know? Maybe that makes me weak I don't know. I can't PM you?

No, I can't receive or send any messages. although I followed this page without an account for a bit, I was just granted an account approval yesterday and you have to wait 24 hours before you can message anyone. I'm not sure exactly what time that would be but probably by 4:30 and it would be mountain Time in the United States. It's 8:58 a.m. right now where I am. I'm very serious and I will be dying. It needs to be done. But I'm definitely not interested in encouraging anyone to do what I have no choice but to do myself. If I had any other capacity but this now, I would live, and live and live until age or natural causes took me.

 

[offtoseethewizard]

No, I can't receive or send any messages. although I followed this page without an account for a bit, I was just granted an account approval yesterday and you have to wait 24 hours before you can message anyone. I'm not sure exactly what time that would be but probably by 4:30 and it would be mountain Time in the United States. It's 8:58 a.m. right now where I am. I'm very serious and I will be dying. It needs to be done. But I'm definitely not interested in encouraging anyone to do what I have no choice but to do myself. If I had any other capacity but this now, I would live, and live and live until age or natural causes took me.

Ok. chat to you in a bit. I'm in australia btw so I won't be up for a few hours. My discord is fordprefect0028

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Ok. chat to you in the morning. My discord is fordprefect00

i do not have discord, i will have to try and install it and get an account to talk there

Ok. chat to you in a bit. I'm in australia btw so I won't be up for a few hours. My discord is fordprefect0028

sent you a discord request

itdoesntmatteranymore__13333

 

[errorsinmypast]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this terrible. I know the heavy poison feeling well. I wish I had great advice, I'm in the same boat as you unfortunately. All ready with the method- in excruciating pain- but just can't seem to do it. I think best thing anyone ever said to me was "we know when we know" which is vague but succinct I think. We just know when enough is enough and it's time to stop stalling.

This gave me goosebumps, in a good way, and although it's vague, i imagine it's very true. When our time comes be it by choice or otherwise, we will proceed with ctb and probably not think twice about it, as it will just feel the alright thing to do at that time, with no doubt or apprehension

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I keep saying this . many even here i guess don't understand. most people have no idea how bad extreme pain can be. you never did ,neither did i. it's still difficult for me to even keep aware of this in this weak monkey / vertebrate / fish brain of mine for me to really get it .

i keep going back to the subconscious mind programming back to the distraction addictions like youtube etc. . i should realize how bad pain is and work to try to suicide and defeat si but it's very difficult to say no to the addictions like youtube social media news etc and realize the gravity of my situation take the risk of suicide etc.

logically in my my situation i know the most logical thing is to take this shotgun now and shootmyelf in inside the mouth. but it's difficult to get my brain to see this. only a small part of my brain realizes this. anad then the fear of failure si keeps saying i could fail and remain alive but in a worse condition. i know its not 100% but i have to take the chance in my sitution . i have sn also but worried my si will call someone etc

Well said. I hate at how my brain is illogical too when it comes to suicide. In my case, the only method that I can access is drowning which is very painful to do but, nonetheless, it makes logical sense that me drowning right now would minimise my total suffering overall as a few minutes of some unbelievable pain is significantly better than suffering everyday just to also get unbelievable pain from old age or a chance gone wrong. However, SI is still too strong for me and, unlike what people here like to say, it isn't because I enjoy living or have anything I want to live for. There isn't anything in life that I enjoy and it has always been that way. I'm only alive because it's extremely difficult to combat millions of years of evolution