- May 9, 2018
Sometimes I think I will live forever. My wishes of death are very strong and suicide is the most reliable option but I never was even close of dying. Every ctb attempt I did went wrong. I really want to die and I'm very convinced of what I'm doing. But I can't do it. Ever the same. I have the house for me and I'm alone here, it would be an excellent situation for ctb but something pushes me back ever. When I have everything ready I can't do it and I feel like a coward and really frustrated for it. Why this happens? Why can't my mind understand that 15 minutes of deblooding or choking are way better than my next 60 years??? Why is so hard doing this??? I will never have guts for doing this. I know myself enough, I'm only losing time. This is awful and everytime this happens I feel a lot of frustration and I wonder why I didn't it. I feel bad. Nobody should be in a situation like this. Hope a meteor shash us all soon because if not I will be here, suffering for no apparent reason and feeling like a mental retarded for being totally unabled to killing myself. Oh god...