I want to go so bad and feel it's my only way, I've been thinking of it for years now and I have to do it but after my last bad attempt I saw how it affected my family. I recently opened up to my mum about me being suicidal but downplayed it a lot but now I worry if I do it she'll blame herself. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do. I'm terrified of them hurting the same way I do or even more, I couldn't deal with it if someone left me. I don't know what to do I'm trapped and I just want to be free.
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Fuck can I relate to that. My family knows how I feel about suicide and know vaguely about my suicidal thoughts, but I have stayed a majority of my life for them and it's torture. I don't want to hurt them, I know they'd be devestated and it's why I've stayed, but I feel beyond trapped and I want to be free so bad. I know how you feel, it's brutal and there's no good answer unfortunately. I hope I get the courage to leave this world behind knowing I'll be free and doing everything I can before I go to let them know it's not their fault.
I'm so sorry you feel that way too. It's made me almost angry at them because even though they are saving me without knowing they are also the ones who aren't letting me go (without knowing). I feel so guilty and wish they knew nothing so if i did it they wouldn't blame themselves. I'm just waiting for the right time but it never seems to be.
I'm sorry you feel that way too and I feel that exact same way. I keep waiting for the right time, and that's turned into year after year after year. I also feel some anger, it's like, just let me go, please and don't make me feel bad for going. No matter what I would do or say, I am sure they would still blame themselves in some way though. I feel guilty too leaving them, but I also feel so beyond trapped and buried here in this fucked up world that I've wanted out of for most of my life.
stermc
libertas quae sera tamen
- Nov 24, 2022
- 946
Unfortunately I am in a similar situation.
My family had always known about my suicidal ideation, they know I want to kill myself.
Gosh, it's so hard. My family is so vulnerable right now because of many circumstances.
I am between two things: wait till they are less vulnerable OR do it because my feelings are valid too.
Sometimes I think it is about leaving less damage as possible.
My family had always known about my suicidal ideation, they know I want to kill myself.
Gosh, it's so hard. My family is so vulnerable right now because of many circumstances.
I am between two things: wait till they are less vulnerable OR do it because my feelings are valid too.
Sometimes I think it is about leaving less damage as possible.
that's how a lot of people here feel. maybe it is your SI using your guilt to keep you around. but yeah it sucks to know the impact it will likely have on your family.
Finding a way to die by accident would be ideal
Finding a way to die by accident would be ideal
Definitely! I've always thought about running away and leaving a note saying I'm okay but doing it but then that would hurt them even more. It's so hard being torn and people say suicide is selfish but people stay for a crazy long time because they are being so selfless.
This thread is painfully relatable. I feel so obliged to stay for my family despite the fact that this goes against my beliefs of bodily autonomy. I just want to get it over with but have to wait at least until my mom dies because I know that it would affect her the worst. Oh god, the images in my head of how she would react makes me shudder. I feel extremely guilty over this because she NEEDS me in order to be happy. It is far beyond the normal scope of a loving parent. There are largely unresolved issues. There is codependency on her part.
She has told me that illimitable times that she would just die, she would be devastated, she wouldn't be able to go on if something happened to me.
She has told me these things all my life
Well I guess that brings me back to this same cognitive dissonance again. I'm cripplingly resentful and guilty at the same time, once again, in an endless cycle.
She has told me that illimitable times that she would just die, she would be devastated, she wouldn't be able to go on if something happened to me.
She has told me these things all my life
Well I guess that brings me back to this same cognitive dissonance again. I'm cripplingly resentful and guilty at the same time, once again, in an endless cycle.
Pinkliquid12
Member
- Sep 10, 2022
- 35
My mom blames herself too. On one hand, it's not like you'll be around for the aftermath and it's not fair to you to be forced to live. She's constantly disappointed by me, she's worried for me... Technically, we would both be better off. On the other, she would never recover. Her life would be in ruins. Even though she is unaccepting of my feelings, she doesn't deserve that. But people don't deserve a lot of the things that happen to them, unfortunately.
Feel the same way but for my Dad. (He's the only one left.) I feel so trapped. It's just dreadful that so many of us are just trapped in this limbo state just waiting. I hate it so much when people call suicide selfish. I mean- it is to a degree but there must be SO many people just trying to hang on so as not to upset their families. Why don't they ever focus on them? Living a cursed life just so as not to upset others.
Tiny Circle
Member
- Jan 16, 2023
- 32
Family and relatives are the no. 1 reason that's holding me back from CTB. I know that killing myself will completely devastate my parents, especially my mum. I also have two nephews and a niece who are still very young. I can only guess how negatively it will affect them that a close family member committed suicide. It's one of those topics children shouldn't deal with when they're little.
I agree, it's selfish in a way but it's the kind of selfish that you're allowed to be. It's your body and your life and it's not fair that you have to live for others. But I'm so torn because i could not imagine the amount of pain theyd feel and I can't be the one to put them through that. It's a very difficult situation and I'm so sorry you're going through that too.
SadGirl
Specialist
- Mar 24, 2019
- 374
I can understand your side, family, friends... I am also like this at the moment, what holds me back is my fiancée, who is also depressed and has suicidal tendencies. But if I were CTB I would leave a letter justifying everything. I don't do CTB either, because of my spirituality.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,319
After all, parents are the ones who selfishly and unfairly forced us into this existence and caused all of this suffering in the first place so I would never feel guilty for leaving this life behind. If people don't want to deal with loss then they shouldn't do the shameful thing to procreate in the first place.
Anyway, the reality is that grief and losing people are simply an inevitable part of life and existence could simply never be an obligation. None of us should feel so trapped and feel like we are forced to stay here, parents should at least respect our right to die after choosing to bring us into this hellish world. But still, it must be painful and hard to deal with what you have to go through. I guess all that anyone can really do if they want to make things easier on those they are leaving behind is to write a note to give them some understanding as to why you did this. I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you wish for.
Anyway, the reality is that grief and losing people are simply an inevitable part of life and existence could simply never be an obligation. None of us should feel so trapped and feel like we are forced to stay here, parents should at least respect our right to die after choosing to bring us into this hellish world. But still, it must be painful and hard to deal with what you have to go through. I guess all that anyone can really do if they want to make things easier on those they are leaving behind is to write a note to give them some understanding as to why you did this. I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you wish for.
