Kjo
Student
- Jun 7, 2019
- 148
I have spent way too long being deprived of learning or being heard.
My mom could not accept when my father asked her to abort me.... he left on the day I was born, selling everything she knew, and that day, though from my mom, she would NEVER look, hear, or see me again. Everything I gave her, asked her, or tried to talk about lead only to her internal screaming that deafened my cries... I learned all my questions somehow hurt my mom and brother... so I asked my teachers. They FUCKING loved it.... but just like the others, they had enough as I asked for more. My new step dad beat my mom. My second new step dad beat my mom and maybe my brother, I wouldn't know but he was never violent until he was hit too... the new boyfriend brought us cats that SHIT on my bed.... my mom said I was gross and the new boyfriend left her... the new man came in and he killed my cat and said the cat was gross, not me... my mom left the new man for killing the cat... i knew i was gross at that moment and that I COULD never get clean to my mother. I asked where my cat was, because "killed" did not make sense to me. She said gone. I said everything once gone comes back, she says not this time... and I asked what that meant. She said doctor... death.. blacky. yellow... cat... dog... dad... dead.... but then gone and just cried. She was too high or drunk to realize that her daughter hurt as much as her mom FORCED her to, simply by not listening...
Then, raw moment, daught is me, DUGH! and I hate me and shit and gross and confusion and gone and mom sleeping... I cannot sleep. I ask for mom. New step dad kicks me out.... I come back to mom... new step dad rapes me as mom gets ready for work, because I came in for nightmares as mom woke, the only moment that new dad lets me in. Allows me to not be alone with MY PAINFUL THOUGHTS AND LONLINESS AND INABILITY TO RECEIVER LOVE.... because nobody could or would or was able or simply could not hear me.... I am not sure. But the moment was raw... sad... and painful. I hurt from step dad instantly. I went to mom to tell her and she still closed her door on me as she left for work... She put makeup over her bruises from step dad while he raped me when she stared in the mirror... she could not see me, but only herself... too fixated on her pain.
So, I said I would be fixated on my pain to learn mom... I took only the path of most resentment in physical pain, yet took the path of least resentment in taking anymore NEFLECT.... neglect... it jurst hurts so much. My fingers type faster than my words.
But then I realize FUCK the pain. I will master the pain. SO I scratch at myself and bite at myself... she does not look.... I see my brother come home with a bloody nose. As she puts the forzen frozen PEAS against his bleeding nose, I begin to ATTACK my nose... as all of the fathers we knew gave only neglect, pain, or disconnect.... My brother was gone, mom treated him but left me behind. She didn't realize he began to question why he was more important than me to her but why step father was softer to me... so I accepted more pain... I began to pull out my own hair or brush my hair as HARD and FAST and PAINFUL with all the broken spikes of the brush as my mom would.... if i could ever be so lucky to get her to brush it... Does she know I peed my pants when the whole computer class asked why my hair was so GROSS like me... I asked the teacher to leave and she said why... I said to PEE and she said no... then I peed... in front of them all. They only laughed harder.
Sibling had G.A.T.E. ... he's the only sibling I knew. But gawd forbid we learned to walked before we talked. They were so hungry for my smiles that they ignored my pain... so I cut every inch of my body into a pain I never knew.... I bleed until the bath water was red... read.... and I bled but did NOT wrape rape them as my brother so delicately got.... I let them bleed with hopes that mom could some day see me... she didn't... SPOILER
Thanos brought my mom to war, defending me through pedophilia and self hate.... while my mom charged into my Thanos with the whole marvel alliance... She was so excited to stop the war that she made both sides disappear... and now, all I want to disappear... because nobody is hear....here.... and i still cannot be heard or seen or felt or talked to.... my questions are always too much, because i am tooooooooo SICK to survive in society? because I have mastered some level of pain as they had? because I spoke to the unheard when they didn't? but what if I don't want to hear them when they scream so loud in a langauge, volume, and disconnect (toxicity) that I simply cannot begin to grasp? FUCK IT IF I AM ON MOMS SIDE... i switched becase i had to, just like she did right? I will defend the sick.... or gross or weak or deaf or whatever she couldn't hear or see...
TLDR: I have only ever wanted to warp their reality so that one day somebody could just see mee.... but maybe only in further pain, death, or becoming gross... maybe they need to learn to connect, be honest and talk/listen/hear/lookat/wait/breathe and WHATEVER each other... they all had different reasons to be seen... all my art was made of their scraps... I only ate the food that they threw to the cats or that i made myself... and i could only make poison cuz nobody was there to help me learn... but i did not know it was poison because, yet again, newest step daddy gave me room to learn and give where mom refused to let me help at all because "only brother could".... welp, brother is in my house, living for free, as i cook and clean, but he still won't hear me... i kicked him out and he said he'd never learn... he bought the house now and told me i can only live with him if i pay... but now i cannot learn for all i want is pain and love... the two words that could never meet because my mom could not apologize AND FORGIVE hereself and me, her minnie me and her mistake of her, which was all I ever was to her... may I die to help them learn?
I AM GROOT.... come baby GROOT? or let the racoon help me not push the self destruct button because my dancing stopped the battle because you didn't tell me what side i shoudl be on or why were fighting because well I AM GROOT and that is all you understand I say, no matter how i reach or pray or watch or cry or die...
What DND MSF world is this where the evil seems to be the good and the teams are all unbalanced....
Please, help me make sense of the pain... I just want more of it because I never get love anyway, it seems?
can you see me.... (sorry if I do not reply... I feel like it's time for me to hibernate or go die inside...) :/ o.o O.o O.o :(
My mom could not accept when my father asked her to abort me.... he left on the day I was born, selling everything she knew, and that day, though from my mom, she would NEVER look, hear, or see me again. Everything I gave her, asked her, or tried to talk about lead only to her internal screaming that deafened my cries... I learned all my questions somehow hurt my mom and brother... so I asked my teachers. They FUCKING loved it.... but just like the others, they had enough as I asked for more. My new step dad beat my mom. My second new step dad beat my mom and maybe my brother, I wouldn't know but he was never violent until he was hit too... the new boyfriend brought us cats that SHIT on my bed.... my mom said I was gross and the new boyfriend left her... the new man came in and he killed my cat and said the cat was gross, not me... my mom left the new man for killing the cat... i knew i was gross at that moment and that I COULD never get clean to my mother. I asked where my cat was, because "killed" did not make sense to me. She said gone. I said everything once gone comes back, she says not this time... and I asked what that meant. She said doctor... death.. blacky. yellow... cat... dog... dad... dead.... but then gone and just cried. She was too high or drunk to realize that her daughter hurt as much as her mom FORCED her to, simply by not listening...
Then, raw moment, daught is me, DUGH! and I hate me and shit and gross and confusion and gone and mom sleeping... I cannot sleep. I ask for mom. New step dad kicks me out.... I come back to mom... new step dad rapes me as mom gets ready for work, because I came in for nightmares as mom woke, the only moment that new dad lets me in. Allows me to not be alone with MY PAINFUL THOUGHTS AND LONLINESS AND INABILITY TO RECEIVER LOVE.... because nobody could or would or was able or simply could not hear me.... I am not sure. But the moment was raw... sad... and painful. I hurt from step dad instantly. I went to mom to tell her and she still closed her door on me as she left for work... She put makeup over her bruises from step dad while he raped me when she stared in the mirror... she could not see me, but only herself... too fixated on her pain.
So, I said I would be fixated on my pain to learn mom... I took only the path of most resentment in physical pain, yet took the path of least resentment in taking anymore NEFLECT.... neglect... it jurst hurts so much. My fingers type faster than my words.
But then I realize FUCK the pain. I will master the pain. SO I scratch at myself and bite at myself... she does not look.... I see my brother come home with a bloody nose. As she puts the forzen frozen PEAS against his bleeding nose, I begin to ATTACK my nose... as all of the fathers we knew gave only neglect, pain, or disconnect.... My brother was gone, mom treated him but left me behind. She didn't realize he began to question why he was more important than me to her but why step father was softer to me... so I accepted more pain... I began to pull out my own hair or brush my hair as HARD and FAST and PAINFUL with all the broken spikes of the brush as my mom would.... if i could ever be so lucky to get her to brush it... Does she know I peed my pants when the whole computer class asked why my hair was so GROSS like me... I asked the teacher to leave and she said why... I said to PEE and she said no... then I peed... in front of them all. They only laughed harder.
Sibling had G.A.T.E. ... he's the only sibling I knew. But gawd forbid we learned to walked before we talked. They were so hungry for my smiles that they ignored my pain... so I cut every inch of my body into a pain I never knew.... I bleed until the bath water was red... read.... and I bled but did NOT wrape rape them as my brother so delicately got.... I let them bleed with hopes that mom could some day see me... she didn't... SPOILER
Thanos brought my mom to war, defending me through pedophilia and self hate.... while my mom charged into my Thanos with the whole marvel alliance... She was so excited to stop the war that she made both sides disappear... and now, all I want to disappear... because nobody is hear....here.... and i still cannot be heard or seen or felt or talked to.... my questions are always too much, because i am tooooooooo SICK to survive in society? because I have mastered some level of pain as they had? because I spoke to the unheard when they didn't? but what if I don't want to hear them when they scream so loud in a langauge, volume, and disconnect (toxicity) that I simply cannot begin to grasp? FUCK IT IF I AM ON MOMS SIDE... i switched becase i had to, just like she did right? I will defend the sick.... or gross or weak or deaf or whatever she couldn't hear or see...
TLDR: I have only ever wanted to warp their reality so that one day somebody could just see mee.... but maybe only in further pain, death, or becoming gross... maybe they need to learn to connect, be honest and talk/listen/hear/lookat/wait/breathe and WHATEVER each other... they all had different reasons to be seen... all my art was made of their scraps... I only ate the food that they threw to the cats or that i made myself... and i could only make poison cuz nobody was there to help me learn... but i did not know it was poison because, yet again, newest step daddy gave me room to learn and give where mom refused to let me help at all because "only brother could".... welp, brother is in my house, living for free, as i cook and clean, but he still won't hear me... i kicked him out and he said he'd never learn... he bought the house now and told me i can only live with him if i pay... but now i cannot learn for all i want is pain and love... the two words that could never meet because my mom could not apologize AND FORGIVE hereself and me, her minnie me and her mistake of her, which was all I ever was to her... may I die to help them learn?
I AM GROOT.... come baby GROOT? or let the racoon help me not push the self destruct button because my dancing stopped the battle because you didn't tell me what side i shoudl be on or why were fighting because well I AM GROOT and that is all you understand I say, no matter how i reach or pray or watch or cry or die...
What DND MSF world is this where the evil seems to be the good and the teams are all unbalanced....
Please, help me make sense of the pain... I just want more of it because I never get love anyway, it seems?
can you see me.... (sorry if I do not reply... I feel like it's time for me to hibernate or go die inside...) :/ o.o O.o O.o :(
