Venting Two options left (a vent about weed)

[bees.]

So I tried smoking weed for the first time.
It's been my best friend's main coping skill for years and years now, keeping him alive through his hardest moments with suicidiality. I guess I thought it made the thoughts go away, or at least dulled them, but for me it did nothing. Just as suicidal but now everything was funnier and I had less of a filter when I talked. I can't sleep while high either, I found out, so I got to sit there all night while he slept, ruminating in the knowledge that I only have two options left. CTB or shock therapy.
I've tried literally everything else, even ketamine, being most recent. I'm just still left with constant thoughts and urges to hurt and kill myself. Thoughts of helplessness and worthlessness and a feeling that I will truly never get better; that I was destined to die this way. After surviving literal dozens of attempts, and being hospitalized for months and months of my life, I'm still just as sick as I was years and years ago at 14. Hell, after trauma I'm sicker.
Life just feels like a battle with SI so I can die, there even a point anymore?

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

You could try a different strain or manner of intake. Could affect you differently.

I'm sorry to hear where you're at! Sounds like you're trying hard