Discussion Two Different Notes/Letters

[almaranthine]

I've been thinking about everything I've wanted to say to my few loved ones who I will leave behind, namely my mom. I want to write a letter explaining that I'm thankful for the good times we've shared, am remorseful that she will no longer be able to spend any time with me, wish comfort and peace upon her and my loved ones, and of course want to explicitly express that I have found peace from my suffering and unsolvable problems. However, I also want to be real with them and explain the depths of mental illness I've struggled with and convey with some detail just how fucked my life has been... to genuinely show that I have been through more than I can bear any longer, and that I was unable to continue on living as the shell of a person I became. I also wanted to point out how dismissive they were of my trauma and mental illness at key points in my life and explain that this behavior did not help me and pushed me into bad situations. I suppose some people would find this a cruel thing to do... but, inevitably, these people will wonder, "what could I have done differently?" And this type of letter would serve to answer these questions. I will of course say that I forgive them for not knowing how to deal with this situation and don't blame them for my condition. Nevertheless, I thought maybe I should make two different letters for each person. The first one will be the "Light" note that is largely positive (telling them I loved them, apologizing for how my actions will hurt them etc.) while the second will be the "Dark" note... one that goes into detail of my suffering, tries to answer some questions, and remarks times that I was in crisis and needed help but no one was understanding or able to help me. The "Dark" note will come with a warning, saying that they may not want to read it at all, or at least to wait until some time has passed. Thoughts?

 

[SectOfValtiel]

I think thats a really thoughtful way to go about it- give them what they need to hear and what you need them to hear, as well, and that makes sure theres nothing left unsaid more or less
I dont know if the warning is necessary but its definitely a nicer way to go about it
I do think separating them that way could make it easier for someone to understand, a break between the hard to hear and easier to hear might help processing the reality of it after all

Theres a part of me thats jealous because I know I probably wouldnt be leaving any notes
I just have this feeling nobody would really care about whats in them anyway if they didnt care when I was still here
Id only want to leave something for one person, at least so I could apologize and own up for the things I never got to when they were still in my life, tell them how much I loved them, thank them for all the good they did- and forgive them for all the bad... but I wouldnt know how to find them if I tried and I know they wouldnt want to hear from me even if it was the last time they ever would

 

[jodes2]

Interesting approach. But personally I'm not going to incorporate dark thoughts at all in notes, I don't want to leave bad feelings that I can't fix. The notes are for them to feel better, not for me to vent. But that's just me. I'd lie and say there's nothing they could have done differently that would have helped

 

[almaranthine]

Interesting approach. But personally I'm not going to incorporate dark thoughts at all in notes, I don't want to leave bad feelings that I can't fix. The notes are for them to feel better, not for me to vent. But that's just me. I'd lie and say there's nothing they could have done differently that would have helped

I considered doing this but having known these people my whole life, I just doubt that they would really believe that. I feel like no matter what I say in the notes, my death will leave them with negative feelings, so in my case it might be useful to explain my experiences some. I might change my mind on this as the time draws near idk.

I think thats a really thoughtful way to go about it- give them what they need to hear and what you need them to hear, as well, and that makes sure theres nothing left unsaid more or less
I dont know if the warning is necessary but its definitely a nicer way to go about it
I do think separating them that way could make it easier for someone to understand, a break between the hard to hear and easier to hear might help processing the reality of it after all

Theres a part of me thats jealous because I know I probably wouldnt be leaving any notes
I just have this feeling nobody would really care about whats in them anyway if they didnt care when I was still here
Id only want to leave something for one person, at least so I could apologize and own up for the things I never got to when they were still in my life, tell them how much I loved them, thank them for all the good they did- and forgive them for all the bad... but I wouldnt know how to find them if I tried and I know they wouldnt want to hear from me even if it was the last time they ever would

I understand how you feel. There is someone in my life I wish I could get a letter to, despite knowing they don't want anything to do with me. It's difficult to come to terms with. I've been struggling for going on two years with my feelings over it.

 

[UnlimitedPain]

I get torn on this subject and I have never been good at expressing myself or getting something across.

But on one hand I do just wanna kinda avoid the dark thoughts then on the other I wanna put everything out has the truth.

But your two notes idea I like the sound of

The no note is also something I think about lots because I don't feel like certain people will care either way

 

[almaranthine]

I get torn on this subject and I have never been good at expressing myself or getting something across.

But on one hand I do just wanna kinda avoid the dark thoughts then on the other I wanna put everything out has the truth.

But your two notes idea I like the sound of

The no note is also something I think about lots because I don't feel like certain people will care either way

Definitely have thought about just not leaving anything behind so my last words won't be misunderstood. I've also considered the fact that my few family members will be so upset that they won't even want to read what I've left behind. But yeah, I just want to express the ugly truths, and detail why I came to this decision, to explain how psychosis/mania really was to people that have no concept of it. I don't want them sitting there thinking I could have just gone to a therapist, taken some pills and been "cured".

 

[UnlimitedPain]

Dunno how you feel about this, but certain people will always believe therapy, drugs or help will cure and are kinda delusional because they can't relate to the true pain of feeling this way.
However if you feel that you need to express those ugly truths I do think it's worth it and admire the fact.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do understand that you want to try and clear up all the unresolved questions you think they might have and that is kind.

I guess my query really is: do you think they did the best they could for you at the time? Was it out of malice or neglect that you weren't given the support you needed or was it misunderstanding? I do understand that you want to emphasize just how bad things were/ are for you to have gotten to this point. Still, I'm not sure pointing out where they could have done better will help them- unless you have a sibling that they are making the same 'mistakes' with. They're not going to be able to change the past and if they can't put these better parenting behaviours to future use, I imagine it will only upset them. (I guess what I'm really saying is: do they deserve to feel upset and guilty if it was a 'mistake' they made rather than something intentional?)

I know you said you would follow on to say you forgive them but it feels sort of like you are saying 'I could have been 'saved' or at least 'helped' at this point and this point. I'm not sure they will be able to forgive themselves hearing that.

Sorry to sound harsh. I expect we may all feel that we have been 'let down' by our parents at certain junctures. Obviously I don't know what you have gone through and I don't know how badly they treated you. I guess I can only envisage a note like this will provoke quite a bit of guilt rather than resolution. Still- as you have mentioned- you know your parents best and how they will react.

Personally, I would leave in the parts that detail just how awful your experience of life was but maybe not go into the specifics of the times at which they could have helped but didn't.

Perhaps it's just me but if I received two notes after someone CTB'd- one warning me it contained stuff I might not be ready to hear- curiosity would get the better of me whether I was ready or not. (I wonder if there is anyone else you could address this note to rather than them- so if they are wracking their brains with 'how they missed the signs'- they could be given it then?) Plus, I hate to say it but it's THAT note that would stick with me. Not the positive one. Think about how many nice things people have said to you and how many negative... Maybe it's just me but the criticism always wins out.

Also, I don't know whether you are planning on hand writing notes or delayed emails etc. I have heard of awful situations where the police haven't passed on notes- holding onto them as 'evidence.'

I hope I haven't offended you. These are all very personal things to come to terms with and like I say- I haven't lived your life. It must have been very frightening and lonely and I can understand your frustration at everything being downplayed when you needed the help most. Guess I'm just trying to envisage what it would be like to receive such notes. Still- there again- that's me. I wish you all the best- whatever you decide.

 

[GettingOut]

I've been thinking about everything I've wanted to say to my few loved ones who I will leave behind, namely my mom. I want to write a letter explaining that I'm thankful for the good times we've shared, am remorseful that she will no longer be able to spend any time with me, wish comfort and peace upon her and my loved ones, and of course want to explicitly express that I have found peace from my suffering and unsolvable problems. However, I also want to be real with them and explain the depths of mental illness I've struggled with and convey with some detail just how fucked my life has been... to genuinely show that I have been through more than I can bear any longer, and that I was unable to continue on living as the shell of a person I became. I also wanted to point out how dismissive they were of my trauma and mental illness at key points in my life and explain that this behavior did not help me and pushed me into bad situations. I suppose some people would find this a cruel thing to do... but, inevitably, these people will wonder, "what could I have done differently?" And this type of letter would serve to answer these questions. I will of course say that I forgive them for not knowing how to deal with this situation and don't blame them for my condition. Nevertheless, I thought maybe I should make two different letters for each person. The first one will be the "Light" note that is largely positive (telling them I loved them, apologizing for how my actions will hurt them etc.) while the second will be the "Dark" note... one that goes into detail of my suffering, tries to answer some questions, and remarks times that I was in crisis and needed help but no one was understanding or able to help me. The "Dark" note will come with a warning, saying that they may not want to read it at all, or at least to wait until some time has passed. Thoughts?

I feel exactly the same way. Many people feel that the "dark" note will be bad. Your idea of doing two letters with a warning on the outside is brilliant. They can choose for themselves if they want to know why you felt let down.

Thanks for helping me solving this problem I've been struggling with but couldn't solve.

 

[Papilio_polyxenes]

I had considered writing a "dark note" that would reveal a family secret and go in-depth about life circumstances that drove me to death.

However, I've decided that these secrets are possibly better off staying buried with me. I don't want to cause more distress to my family than necessary because they've been through enough already.

I want to spend the final months of my life preparing others for my departure in subtle ways. I don't want anyone to feel "guilt" or "responsibility" for my choice.

 

[Rounded Agony]

Some time ago, I saw someone post something about writing a note full of things they wanted to get out, and simply destroying it afterward. As @Forever Sleep says, unless there's some practical application for this, it's likely this is just a (real and necessary) step in your grieving the loss of your own life; you won't be around to reap any potential benefit of leaving behinds certain messages, so just consider whether there will be any benefit at all. You can always write the note and decide what to do with it after that.