cecropia
cursed.
- May 7, 2025
- 6
(TW) mentions of self-harm, grooming, and failed attempts. also for how insanely long it is.
I genuinely feel cursed because I feel like I wasn't supposed to be here this long. I didn't really expect let alone want to live to see my adult years, I'm 19 and will be turning 20 in 8 months. it feels weird, considering my first attempt to get me hospitalized was when I was 12. I had depression at a really young age, probably when I was 10 and figured out no one really wanted to talk to me because of something fundamentally wrong with me that I didn't understand at the time, but at least I figured it out. that self-awareness doesn't help at such a young age. that's when I started self-harming, I was bruising and eventually cutting. I really didn't understand it was self-harm though, but rather just relief in my brain. I didn't have friends, let alone ones that were my age since I felt like I was babysitting my sister's friends instead. I would get bullied a lot to the point that I just refused to talk in general, I was so silent that people thought I was mute. this would continue for years, even throughout middle school and early high school.
at 11 in middle school, and old friend encouraged cutting and I would do it in private, even at school. I was genuinely desperate for friends, and eventually she left and started to send me notes about wanting me to kill myself. it would last until I was 12, also the age when I started to talk to people online. I was in a pretty niche fandom at the time in a basically broken app. it felt nice though because a guy talked to me on my message board, said my art was good and if I was willing to do art for his fan-series. I accepted because he was popular, a lot of people (including myself at the time) looked up to them, especially the guy that was talking to me. he let me into his friend group and it was fine at first, everyone was either 14-15 and some adults, but I didn't mind because I felt like I got along with older people. I would get told a lot that I was pretty mature for my age, I was smart, creative, better than people of my age. doing art for him and getting recognition felt nice, but it eventually became worthless when I got a boyfriend from said friend group. he wasn't necessarily significant, really I don't think much of it was his fault but he definitely showed how good it felt to be loved and payed attention to, but it sucked since it felt like my mental was getting worse because I was getting bullied even more at school. I was getting hit in the gym locker rooms, I'd feel insanely insecure about my body, I even would get harassed and physically bullied in the lunchroom. rumors would get made about me and it would get so bad that I would start contemplating suicide more.
the thing is that no one in that friend group was as nice as they made themselves out to be. the main guy would secretly take pictures of women he "hated" because they were popular and get everyone in the gc to make fun of them. he would go on violent ramblings too. another friend mentioned how when I sent a picture of myself in the group chat, they said that their college classmate was asking if I was single and repeating some of the inappropriate things he said about me. I would have a lot of inappropriate jokes made about me too, and despite how uncomfortable I felt, I didn't want to lose the only "support" system I had. my parents aren't bad people, they never were, they didn't understand what was going on at the time, but back then it made me resent them. eventually they became open about their mental health, and in turn I did. I wanted to fit in, so I repeated a lot of their behaviors, even with their own approaches to venting. we all did it within the same gc because it was one big and shared gc (unlike discord or any other modern chatting application). they would vent randomly, talk about suicide and self harm and I comforted them a lot. I felt like I wanted to take care of them. when I did the same, I would just get called an attention seeker, saying I'm just faking my depression. I tried to be more passive about venting when those statements kept coming. eventually one of said that if I was so depressed, I should just kill myself. so I tried to, for awhile. a lot of them failed, and when I tried to reach what I felt like were my friends, I was just brushed off. I was so convinced that I was faking because of these failed attempts, despite the fact one of them hospitalized me and got me on medication, so I said "I'm faking" so not only could they get off of my ass for it, but I genuinely believed it at the time. it only made me feel worse, and even more so, they started to hurl similar harassment towards me, even little trait.
despite that, a lot of them would try to get with me romantically, I was scared to say no because one of them actually had my phone number, and as I am writing this. two of them still have it. the guy I considered my best friend (who was 16) found out me and my previous boyfriend broke up, and this guy ended up breaking up with his girlfriend to ask me out. I really didn't want to because not only did it feel wrong, but I felt insanely guilty for it. I said yes though, I didn't want to step on anyone's toes and say no and be called a bitch. the relationship only lasted for 2-3 months, he managed to get particular photos of me, and to this day, I do not know where they are now. after we broke up, another friend didn't want to get in a relationship with me, but wanted to do things with me. I said yes too since he was also another perpatrator of the bullying in the gc. he would draw particular things of me without my consent. a lot happened to the point I felt worthless and hopeless. when I was 13, the gc introduced me to probably the worst man I met.
I will not go into detail, because even at 19, it still feels fresh in my mind. he would drink a lot, coerce me into doing certain things, force me to look at certain things, threaten his life if I didn't do what he wanted or if I wanted to break up or even take a break, and would perpatrate the same harassment and even worse harassment towards me. he was even planning to meet me. it was unstable and I couldn't handle it anymore, so I left him, I left the gc, and had no one for awhile.
I get nightmares about it, and I used get horrible night terrors to the point that I was terrified of sleeping. my depression got worse, and I was also dealing with the fact that I got diagnosed with autism right after I left. I felt so alone. I hated eating too and at 15, I was diagnosed with anorexia and was put in IOP and then PHP until I got discharged for being "too difficult." I refused to get into a relationship for a bit until I felt ready, and when I was, I got cheated on. and then when I was 17, met a girl, she liked me and we were insanely romantic and affectionate. turned out she was not only 20 but had a boyfriend I didn't know about. I feel horribly guilty about it. I was lucky that when I was 16, I was in a fandom server and I met one of my best friends there and eventually met all of my longtime friends, including my boyfriend. even then, I feel so tortured by all the things that happened that happend to me. I sometimes will lash out on my friends because of my paranoia, I would be convinced that one of my exes were following me because he had my number. I was convinced of a lot of things that were rooted in paranoia and the fear of it all happening again.
I would have a lot of attempts, and I was only on prozac and buspar until I moved. I believe that my previous doctor wasn't doing her job since there were medications I could take when I was a minor. I did move at 16, got a doctor at 17 and was perscribed viibryd at I think 17 ? I ended up getting put on higher doses because at the beginning of 2023, my dad got into a car crash. he was in the ER for hours, and I was so depressed and stressed to the point that I would be so scared of being in a car or having my parents drive without them telling me where I was going. the crash wasn't his fault since it was some drunk kid that crashed into him. he ended up going to a chiropractor for a year, and also had the dispute for a year. we didn't get the money we needed. I ended up going on the highest dose of viibryd after all of that
I was still depressed, I wasn't attempting as much as I used to but still engaged in self harm. I had insomnia and I still have it. I was on a lot of different sleep medications that didn't work. I still feel paranoid honestly, I'm on wellbutrin but two months ago, I was on an overdose of it up until my last attempt that put me in the ER. I lied to everyone, even the doctors and said I didn't drink alcohol, since I was sneaking in an honestly unconventional way of getting alcohol in your system. my throat burned so badly, I couldn't walk and I felt like I was dying, I was hoping for it but remembered that I'm actually never alone in the house. I feel bad for my sister, she had to witness me on the bathroom floor and unable to even throw up. the doctors assumed it was a viral bug, they ordered so many tests but because I omitted a lot of information from both them and my family. I left with just tylenol and zofran. I was horribly sick for a week, had no motivation to do anything and felt so riddled with guilt. I am usually misanthropic towards everyone, but my biggest priority was always my family. I held contempt towards everyone but my family, rather I felt like a burden and useless to them no matter how hard they tried to convince me that I wasn't. I didn't have a job, I had to withdraw from college because of depression, and I am just really expensive in terms of medical shit. I have shit I deal with that would interfere with a normal/"real" job.
recently, I had a job as a modeler for a game, I was trying hard to work on it but I'm being threatened to be replaced out of nowhere. I cried all morning, I've been contemplating all morning and yet I am trying really hard to stay. I place a lot of my value on my work, what I make and how people respond to it. the feeling of being expendable and never good enough makes so frustrated to the point that I basically crashed out. I need this money, my hospital bill came in recently and it is $921 WITH insurance covering it. that is $921 dollars I need to make. I will destroy myself if it means getting this done, if it means I get the money to pay off my failed attempt. I feel alone, I really do. the only thing keeping here are the kittens I've been fostering. I have the energy to take care of them, which I am grateful for. yet, I have no energy to take care of myself. the moment I try to take care of myself for once, I fall off and I become replacable. I feel so stuck and worthless in life. I am still traumatized, I am still emotionally unregulated, I still isolate myself, I still feel all these things and I feel so hopeless, like I've been cursed for life.
I just want worth in my life.
I genuinely feel cursed because I feel like I wasn't supposed to be here this long. I didn't really expect let alone want to live to see my adult years, I'm 19 and will be turning 20 in 8 months. it feels weird, considering my first attempt to get me hospitalized was when I was 12. I had depression at a really young age, probably when I was 10 and figured out no one really wanted to talk to me because of something fundamentally wrong with me that I didn't understand at the time, but at least I figured it out. that self-awareness doesn't help at such a young age. that's when I started self-harming, I was bruising and eventually cutting. I really didn't understand it was self-harm though, but rather just relief in my brain. I didn't have friends, let alone ones that were my age since I felt like I was babysitting my sister's friends instead. I would get bullied a lot to the point that I just refused to talk in general, I was so silent that people thought I was mute. this would continue for years, even throughout middle school and early high school.
at 11 in middle school, and old friend encouraged cutting and I would do it in private, even at school. I was genuinely desperate for friends, and eventually she left and started to send me notes about wanting me to kill myself. it would last until I was 12, also the age when I started to talk to people online. I was in a pretty niche fandom at the time in a basically broken app. it felt nice though because a guy talked to me on my message board, said my art was good and if I was willing to do art for his fan-series. I accepted because he was popular, a lot of people (including myself at the time) looked up to them, especially the guy that was talking to me. he let me into his friend group and it was fine at first, everyone was either 14-15 and some adults, but I didn't mind because I felt like I got along with older people. I would get told a lot that I was pretty mature for my age, I was smart, creative, better than people of my age. doing art for him and getting recognition felt nice, but it eventually became worthless when I got a boyfriend from said friend group. he wasn't necessarily significant, really I don't think much of it was his fault but he definitely showed how good it felt to be loved and payed attention to, but it sucked since it felt like my mental was getting worse because I was getting bullied even more at school. I was getting hit in the gym locker rooms, I'd feel insanely insecure about my body, I even would get harassed and physically bullied in the lunchroom. rumors would get made about me and it would get so bad that I would start contemplating suicide more.
the thing is that no one in that friend group was as nice as they made themselves out to be. the main guy would secretly take pictures of women he "hated" because they were popular and get everyone in the gc to make fun of them. he would go on violent ramblings too. another friend mentioned how when I sent a picture of myself in the group chat, they said that their college classmate was asking if I was single and repeating some of the inappropriate things he said about me. I would have a lot of inappropriate jokes made about me too, and despite how uncomfortable I felt, I didn't want to lose the only "support" system I had. my parents aren't bad people, they never were, they didn't understand what was going on at the time, but back then it made me resent them. eventually they became open about their mental health, and in turn I did. I wanted to fit in, so I repeated a lot of their behaviors, even with their own approaches to venting. we all did it within the same gc because it was one big and shared gc (unlike discord or any other modern chatting application). they would vent randomly, talk about suicide and self harm and I comforted them a lot. I felt like I wanted to take care of them. when I did the same, I would just get called an attention seeker, saying I'm just faking my depression. I tried to be more passive about venting when those statements kept coming. eventually one of said that if I was so depressed, I should just kill myself. so I tried to, for awhile. a lot of them failed, and when I tried to reach what I felt like were my friends, I was just brushed off. I was so convinced that I was faking because of these failed attempts, despite the fact one of them hospitalized me and got me on medication, so I said "I'm faking" so not only could they get off of my ass for it, but I genuinely believed it at the time. it only made me feel worse, and even more so, they started to hurl similar harassment towards me, even little trait.
despite that, a lot of them would try to get with me romantically, I was scared to say no because one of them actually had my phone number, and as I am writing this. two of them still have it. the guy I considered my best friend (who was 16) found out me and my previous boyfriend broke up, and this guy ended up breaking up with his girlfriend to ask me out. I really didn't want to because not only did it feel wrong, but I felt insanely guilty for it. I said yes though, I didn't want to step on anyone's toes and say no and be called a bitch. the relationship only lasted for 2-3 months, he managed to get particular photos of me, and to this day, I do not know where they are now. after we broke up, another friend didn't want to get in a relationship with me, but wanted to do things with me. I said yes too since he was also another perpatrator of the bullying in the gc. he would draw particular things of me without my consent. a lot happened to the point I felt worthless and hopeless. when I was 13, the gc introduced me to probably the worst man I met.
I will not go into detail, because even at 19, it still feels fresh in my mind. he would drink a lot, coerce me into doing certain things, force me to look at certain things, threaten his life if I didn't do what he wanted or if I wanted to break up or even take a break, and would perpatrate the same harassment and even worse harassment towards me. he was even planning to meet me. it was unstable and I couldn't handle it anymore, so I left him, I left the gc, and had no one for awhile.
I get nightmares about it, and I used get horrible night terrors to the point that I was terrified of sleeping. my depression got worse, and I was also dealing with the fact that I got diagnosed with autism right after I left. I felt so alone. I hated eating too and at 15, I was diagnosed with anorexia and was put in IOP and then PHP until I got discharged for being "too difficult." I refused to get into a relationship for a bit until I felt ready, and when I was, I got cheated on. and then when I was 17, met a girl, she liked me and we were insanely romantic and affectionate. turned out she was not only 20 but had a boyfriend I didn't know about. I feel horribly guilty about it. I was lucky that when I was 16, I was in a fandom server and I met one of my best friends there and eventually met all of my longtime friends, including my boyfriend. even then, I feel so tortured by all the things that happened that happend to me. I sometimes will lash out on my friends because of my paranoia, I would be convinced that one of my exes were following me because he had my number. I was convinced of a lot of things that were rooted in paranoia and the fear of it all happening again.
I would have a lot of attempts, and I was only on prozac and buspar until I moved. I believe that my previous doctor wasn't doing her job since there were medications I could take when I was a minor. I did move at 16, got a doctor at 17 and was perscribed viibryd at I think 17 ? I ended up getting put on higher doses because at the beginning of 2023, my dad got into a car crash. he was in the ER for hours, and I was so depressed and stressed to the point that I would be so scared of being in a car or having my parents drive without them telling me where I was going. the crash wasn't his fault since it was some drunk kid that crashed into him. he ended up going to a chiropractor for a year, and also had the dispute for a year. we didn't get the money we needed. I ended up going on the highest dose of viibryd after all of that
I was still depressed, I wasn't attempting as much as I used to but still engaged in self harm. I had insomnia and I still have it. I was on a lot of different sleep medications that didn't work. I still feel paranoid honestly, I'm on wellbutrin but two months ago, I was on an overdose of it up until my last attempt that put me in the ER. I lied to everyone, even the doctors and said I didn't drink alcohol, since I was sneaking in an honestly unconventional way of getting alcohol in your system. my throat burned so badly, I couldn't walk and I felt like I was dying, I was hoping for it but remembered that I'm actually never alone in the house. I feel bad for my sister, she had to witness me on the bathroom floor and unable to even throw up. the doctors assumed it was a viral bug, they ordered so many tests but because I omitted a lot of information from both them and my family. I left with just tylenol and zofran. I was horribly sick for a week, had no motivation to do anything and felt so riddled with guilt. I am usually misanthropic towards everyone, but my biggest priority was always my family. I held contempt towards everyone but my family, rather I felt like a burden and useless to them no matter how hard they tried to convince me that I wasn't. I didn't have a job, I had to withdraw from college because of depression, and I am just really expensive in terms of medical shit. I have shit I deal with that would interfere with a normal/"real" job.
recently, I had a job as a modeler for a game, I was trying hard to work on it but I'm being threatened to be replaced out of nowhere. I cried all morning, I've been contemplating all morning and yet I am trying really hard to stay. I place a lot of my value on my work, what I make and how people respond to it. the feeling of being expendable and never good enough makes so frustrated to the point that I basically crashed out. I need this money, my hospital bill came in recently and it is $921 WITH insurance covering it. that is $921 dollars I need to make. I will destroy myself if it means getting this done, if it means I get the money to pay off my failed attempt. I feel alone, I really do. the only thing keeping here are the kittens I've been fostering. I have the energy to take care of them, which I am grateful for. yet, I have no energy to take care of myself. the moment I try to take care of myself for once, I fall off and I become replacable. I feel so stuck and worthless in life. I am still traumatized, I am still emotionally unregulated, I still isolate myself, I still feel all these things and I feel so hopeless, like I've been cursed for life.
I just want worth in my life.
