Bxtra
Member
- Jul 27, 2024
- 11
My grandparents are pretty close to their neighbours. So close that they had their 50th wedding anniversary at their place. I officiated the renewal. I called those neighbours Uncle and Auntie. It was an amazing day full of love and drinks and the promise of good things ahead.
When I eventually got home I was still sober. So I had maybe four drinks before my "uncle" drove over drunk. I spent the next three hours smiling and nodding while trying to get him to leave because I was tired and he was getting pretty touchy. I turned around for one minute to check on something and he hugged me from behind, touching me and kissing my neck.
I froze. Everything I had worked toward for years just felt stripped from me. All the recovery from the previous assaults from previous bastards... just gone. And even after that it took an hour of me yelling to get him out of my damn house. I cried myself to sleep because every memory, every feeling, every trauma just blew up at once.
And when I woke in the morning, he was right back at my place, drunk and drinking my beer and saying sorry every thirty seconds. God I thought it was a nightmare. I had to ring my auntie to get him away from me because I was shaking.
I didn't sleep for three days. I jumped at every sound. I either walked with a knife in my sleeve or my bow aimed at the door just in case he turned into an angry drunk and came back with a vengeance because I ratted him out. I was so paranoid that I told my psychologist it felt like watching for the boogeyman.
It's been three months since then and I still have nightmares because of this trigger. Before all this, my psychologist suggested I was doing so well that she might only need to see me monthly instead of weekly. And now I email her asking if I can see her twice in one week. I don't leave my house. My body takes a jolt at a loud noise. My Nan hugged me from behind and I nearly hit her out of fear before I realised who it was. I've started forgetting things and dissociating. Nothing feels real. I'm trying not to be suicidal but we all know how that goes.
Mostly I'm just depressed because I'm letting this affect me so much. Worse things have happened. I want to be better but how can I be if I fall apart because of something so small?
If anyone did read this, thank you for hearing me out.
When I eventually got home I was still sober. So I had maybe four drinks before my "uncle" drove over drunk. I spent the next three hours smiling and nodding while trying to get him to leave because I was tired and he was getting pretty touchy. I turned around for one minute to check on something and he hugged me from behind, touching me and kissing my neck.
I froze. Everything I had worked toward for years just felt stripped from me. All the recovery from the previous assaults from previous bastards... just gone. And even after that it took an hour of me yelling to get him out of my damn house. I cried myself to sleep because every memory, every feeling, every trauma just blew up at once.
And when I woke in the morning, he was right back at my place, drunk and drinking my beer and saying sorry every thirty seconds. God I thought it was a nightmare. I had to ring my auntie to get him away from me because I was shaking.
I didn't sleep for three days. I jumped at every sound. I either walked with a knife in my sleeve or my bow aimed at the door just in case he turned into an angry drunk and came back with a vengeance because I ratted him out. I was so paranoid that I told my psychologist it felt like watching for the boogeyman.
It's been three months since then and I still have nightmares because of this trigger. Before all this, my psychologist suggested I was doing so well that she might only need to see me monthly instead of weekly. And now I email her asking if I can see her twice in one week. I don't leave my house. My body takes a jolt at a loud noise. My Nan hugged me from behind and I nearly hit her out of fear before I realised who it was. I've started forgetting things and dissociating. Nothing feels real. I'm trying not to be suicidal but we all know how that goes.
Mostly I'm just depressed because I'm letting this affect me so much. Worse things have happened. I want to be better but how can I be if I fall apart because of something so small?
If anyone did read this, thank you for hearing me out.
