NSFW (TW:CSA) I destroyed my brother's life and must atone for it.

[yurio]

I am 18 and when I was about 10 i sexually touched my brother who was 6 at the time. I want to say "I didn't know what I was doing" but I shouldn't afford myself the excuses I wouldn't give to another sex offender. I would not do this now, not at all, but i should have known better. I believe sex crimes are the worst and should be punished by death. I really do. At the time, due to overexposure to the internet (i grew up on those kids videos that are clearly intended to induce strange fetishes in children I believed what I was doing was normal and not harmful. I was also not taught about "good and bad touch" when I was in school unlike some people a bit younger than me. i also kinda got groomed online on online games but that's too weird of a topic to get into.

I understand what COCSA is however I've no sympathy for it's perpetrators as doing this sort of thing at such a young age clearly indicates sociopathy as it's used to exert power over others. I have also found numerous sources saying that the idea that child perps of this sort of thing not knowing what they're doing is a complete myth intended to enable abusers, so i am very very clearly misremembering.

My brother hates me. I came upon his diary not long ago, believing it was something else, and read that he thinks I destroyed his childhood - and I only remember doing this once. Clearly my brain doesn't deem the abuse of another person important enough to recall - indicating some traits of pure pure evil within me. We chat and banter like normal, we hug, chat, play games etc - but deep down he's suffering due to me.

I'm glad he recognises this was wrong anyway. I wasn't taught about consent and good vs bad touch in school however he was. I think everyone should be taught about these things to prevent bad things occurring in future.

so yeah. i am sure a lot of people here would i agree i kind of need to die. i really wanted to live a long happy life. i've struggled with suicidality for a long time but thought maybe maybe something would turn around, but i have commited a crime only forgiveable by death. my friends will probably be sad, my family too - but then they'll learn what i did and likely not even go to my funeral. I was getting back into education soon and everything so i'm a bit sad but trying not to make it about me. i'd like to do something nice for my brother before i do go. i don't think there's anything i could do for him though.

i'm starting my planning now. being 10 is no excuse.

 

[VoidButterfly]

As someone on the other end of cocsa this is only the second time in my life I've ever acknowledged it "out loud". I still struggle a lot with it. I won't distract or engage in self harm by going into detail but it was a lot more than what you describe. I've thought a lot about if I want the person to die, and I don't. You say that being 10 isn't an excuse, and you're right, but I do believe it is a mitigating factor. I don't know why they did it, I've wondered why a lot, were they abused? I'm not sure what you're talking with the videos but it sounds like this was induced in you, and you even say you didn't understand the harm. Adults do. That difference matters. It's difficult to be in this spot because even when you bring it up with therapists they immediately try to defend the abuser (that's why I've only brought this up once myself) and as an adult now I've had a lot of time to think about it and to over-think their actions, to compare what I understood about the world at their age, and how I'd judge a child who did it to someone else today. From all that I mean to say, I guess, that I don't want my abuser dead. I wish it hadn't happened but I don't want them dead. Honestly I don't know what I want and trying to think about this isn't going well for me so I'm gonna leave it there. I can't speak for your brother but I thought the perspective was maybe worth sharing.

 

[deathbydesign]

So as a victim of this - not a perpetrator- and also my sibling was the one who did it to me -

I do not wish harm on them nor do I believe they are a bad person.

At 10- the brain is hardly formed and add on top of that the other things you mentioned, I do not believe you were capable of understanding that it was wrong at the time

And if you suppressed that memory you may have also suppressed others - ones where someone may have taken advantage of you possibly - which may have played a role too.

I am not defending the abuser here - but there is a vast difference between an abuser and predator - and a child who did something one time.

If you had been a teenager I think it would be different - you were TEN.


I truly think you need to get some counseling and therapy both alone and with your brother before you make any final decisions.

You know your heart and mind. You know if there is thoughts of doing things like this presently. You know what no one else could ever know.

If you know for a fact you'd never ever have thoughts to do something like that - not just acting on them - but the thoughts themselves- if they exist then there's an issue that exists and I'd agree with your synopsis. But if you know you've not had any bad thoughts about doing similar at all, then you aren't broken and you aren't a terrible person and you don't deserve death for it.