Trying to survive myself

[I ' M F I S H]

It feels like everyday I ask myself if I'm going to do something stupid or ruin something. The stress and pain I've endured this year alone is just enough to send me over the edge. I made this account yesterday after having yet another episode and I don't know when the next one will be. I don't know if the next episode will be the straw to break the camel's back. I want to find a way out but I can't. Both because it'll hurt the people around me and also I just don't have a good way to actually do it. I haven't been myself in a while, whatever 'myself' even is. Or maybe I'm revealing my true colors.

Either way I've felt nothing but disgusted towards myself and I just want this pitiful existence to end. No one understands when I tell them why I want to, they constantly insist therapy will help. Which I'm willing to try. But there's nothing that will remove this need, this urge, to just escape and get rid of myself. I'm tired of hurting others and I'm tired of hurting myself. Existence is the most painful thing ever and I don't want to experience it anymore.

 

[getoutgirl]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. And I feel you.
I know the anxiety at your every move, the shame, the disgust at yourself, the feeling of being such burden to others, the consuming desire to just cease to be, to make it stop, the PAIN. Because It's painful as hell and in an invisible way that boggles the mind how other people don't get it.
I also get the anguish of causing pain to those around you. It's an anchor to life and a constant reminder. But the fact that even when considering your own destruction you are concerned about the pain of others, it just shows you are a caring and very empathetic person. I know it's hard to realise that too. But you carry value and a weary kindness, and I'm sorry it has brought you here, but glad you are sharing it.
I will recommend you try therapy. I'll join the chorus whatevs. It helps. Like you say It won't remove it like that, you know that, I don't need to tell you, but it can make it bearable. And I can't stress how much of an oasis that is.
There are nice people here too, struggling. We all share that. Talk and share what you feel like, it has helped me personally a LOT this past week. If you ever feel like venting anything I'm here. Take care <3