Venting Trying to not want to CTB

[Eva is sick]

Hello everyone
I feel like getting close everyday to CTB but i know that deep down i just want to live and enjoy life.. its just that i feel like i tried everything :/
Here is a list of everything i tried
- being on anti depressant
- seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist ( started one year ago now and stopped seing psychologist this week)
- Taking 2 month off work for my well being + now 1month of half time for my mental health
- I have a cat I love deeply
- I have hobbies like crochet and embroidery
- I have good friends that i play with often and see irl one every week
- I do a lot of sport
- Started HRT a few month ago to try and help being well in my body (kinda helped)

Maybe its self-centered but despite having what lot can call a good life i still feel empty and everyday feel like a challenge and is really hard to go by
I just need to understand why i can't just be normal and just enjoy or at least live my life instead of surviving it
Anyone have some advice they can share i'd love to read them tbh