Trying to get more stable to plan

[divinemistress36]

Anyone else trying to become more "stable" and clear headed so they can actually plan to ctb. Its ironic when you are always to depressed to even plan

 

[ramon]

Theoretically, I should be dead by now. However my OCD will not let me CTB until I take care of weird things (scanning all family photos, signing some documents, distributing some of my belongings to people who might need them, paying some debts, etc).

A normal person could have multitasked and finished those tasks ages ago; but, again, my OCD forces me to do everything one task at a time.

How will I buy what I need to CTB? Before, muster the courage to do it.

How do I muster the courage to do it? Before, plan how you'll do it.

How do I plan to do it? Before, study all SaSu materials available.

How do I study all SaSu materials available? Before, pay whatever pending bills you have...

YOU GET THE POINT!

Having a handicap will make finding your way back home a lot more difficult, but not impossible.

 

[divinemistress36]

Theoretically, I should be dead by now. However my OCD will not let me CTB until I take care of weird things (scanning all family photos, signing some documents, distributing some of my belongings to people who might need them, paying some debts, etc).

A normal person could have multitasked and finished those tasks ages ago; but, again, my OCD forces me to do everything one task at a time.

How will I buy what I need to CTB? Before, muster the courage to do it.

How do I muster the courage to do it? Before, plan how you'll do it.

How do I plan to do it? Before, study all SaSu materials available.

How do I study all SaSu materials available? Before, pay whatever pending bills you have...

YOU GET THE POINT!

Having a handicap will make finding your way back home a lot more difficult, but not impossible.

Although I dont have ocd I do have bad executive dysfunction so I can relate

 

[Kbeau]

Anyone else trying to become more "stable" and clear headed so they can actually plan to ctb. Its ironic when you are always to depressed to even plan

Yeah, it's difficult to think and plan when you're depressed. And you really need to think and plan to successfully ctb

 

[Michi_Violeta]

It's a weird sort of balance, a very hard to hit sweet spot. If you're too depressed you can't plan properly, but if you get too stable then you get that voice in your head telling you to move on and try again AND HONESTLY SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME FEEL THE PAIN THAT'S DRIVING ME TOWARDS KILLING MYSELF.

Yeah, that's pretty much my head. Every day. All the time .

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Theoretically, I should be dead by now. However my OCD will not let me CTB until I take care of weird things (scanning all family photos, signing some documents, distributing some of my belongings to people who might need them, paying some debts, etc).

A normal person could have multitasked and finished those tasks ages ago; but, again, my OCD forces me to do everything one task at a time.

How will I buy what I need to CTB? Before, muster the courage to do it.

How do I muster the courage to do it? Before, plan how you'll do it.

How do I plan to do it? Before, study all SaSu materials available.

How do I study all SaSu materials available? Before, pay whatever pending bills you have...

YOU GET THE POINT!

Having a handicap will make finding your way back home a lot more difficult, but not impossible.

That very much feels like you had a good swim around inside my brain.
It's like that, all day, every day, ad infinitum. I sincerely hope it's not impossible, that it just feels that way...

It's a weird sort of balance, a very hard to hit sweet spot. If you're too depressed you can't plan properly, but if you get too stable then you get that voice in your head telling you to move on and try again AND HONESTLY SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME FEEL THE PAIN THAT'S DRIVING ME TOWARDS KILLING MYSELF.

Yeah, that's pretty much my head. Every day. All the time .

Me too. My problems aren't stability & wanting to try life again. More about mental clarity & memory - the days where the ADHD & TBI are clearly, clearly winning, versus the moments my brain shuts up enough to let me think, or I remember something for longer than 5 seconds & I feel enough competemce or confidence to succeed. So, in actuality, probs a fair bit different, oops - but it resonated with me nonetheless.

 

[galaxid]

It's a weird sort of balance, a very hard to hit sweet spot. If you're too depressed you can't plan properly, but if you get too stable then you get that voice in your head telling you to move on and try again AND HONESTLY SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME FEEL THE PAIN THAT'S DRIVING ME TOWARDS KILLING MYSELF.

Yeah, that's pretty much my head. Every day. All the time .

Same. It seems bearable when there's some stability. And then there's the hope that things get better, because they have to, right? Then things trend downwards again, inevitably, and its straight back to being too unstable to plan anything. The worst part of it is the hope, I think.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Same. It seems bearable when there's some stability. And then there's the hope that things get better, because they have to, right? Then things trend downwards again, inevitably, and its straight back to being too unstable to plan anything. The worst part of it is the hope, I think.

Hope is the worst rollercoaster. It's so painful to go from hope to reality. It's ridiculous that hopelessness is preferable to me, but it definitely is.

 

[galaxid]

Hope is the worst rollercoaster. It's so painful to go from hope to reality. It's ridiculous that hopelessness is preferable to me, but it definitely is.

Honestly it's ridiculous but it's real. Someone going for a career as a professional basketball player might hold out hope forever, but at some point reality comes crashing into them and they have to give up the dream. If they're constantly jerked back and forth for their entire life, given this hope that maybe they can do it only to realize they really can't, they might choose hopelessness, too. That's how I see it, anyway.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Honestly it's ridiculous but it's real. Someone going for a career as a professional basketball player might hold out hope forever, but at some point reality comes crashing into them and they have to give up the dream. If they're constantly jerked back and forth for their entire life, given this hope that maybe they can do it only to realize they really can't, they might choose hopelessness, too. That's how I see it, anyway.

Yep. It's def the relentlessness of the back & forth. Also, the sneakiness of hope, it can take you unawares, but you are nothing if not aware, of the devastation of the crash. Fuck hope

 

[grapevoid]

Anyone else trying to become more "stable" and clear headed so they can actually plan to ctb. Its ironic when you are always to depressed to even plan

I did feel this way before. I'm definitely not any more stable than before, maybe less so from a clinical perspective but something did click in me at some point where I lost the emotion behind it and was able to easily plan things out in a logical manner. I went through phases 1st highly emotional 2nd too apathetic to care enough to plan anything 3rd logical planning. For a minute there I thought I might be ok to just rot in my bed and never do anything again so maybe I could just die like that

 

[ellipse]

Theoretically, I should be dead by now. However my OCD will not let me CTB until I take care of weird things (scanning all family photos, signing some documents, distributing some of my belongings to people who might need them, paying some debts, etc).

A normal person could have multitasked and finished those tasks ages ago; but, again, my OCD forces me to do everything one task at a time.

How will I buy what I need to CTB? Before, muster the courage to do it.

How do I muster the courage to do it? Before, plan how you'll do it.

How do I plan to do it? Before, study all SaSu materials available.

How do I study all SaSu materials available? Before, pay whatever pending bills you have...

YOU GET THE POINT!

Having a handicap will make finding your way back home a lot more difficult, but not impossible.

I understand, it's the same here.

 

[wiggy]

It's kind of like starting a diet or exercicing, you can't really control when the day will come when you'll have the burst of motivation to pull the trigger on it because you're not *really* in control of your actions in that sense. Best you can do is to keep your affairs in order so when the strength do it does show up you're untethered from things holding you back.

 

[DarknessAtNoon]

Anyone else trying to become more "stable" and clear headed so they can actually plan to ctb. Its ironic when you are always to depressed to even plan

I don't really have any planning that needs to be done. I've got a simple method for whenever the time feels right.

 

[Ligottian]

I don't really have any planning that needs to be done. I've got a simple method for whenever the time feels right.

Same here. I guess I'll have to get to that point of of intolerable mental pain before I have the guts to actually execute it.

 

[divinemistress36]

I did feel this way before. I'm definitely not any more stable than before, maybe less so from a clinical perspective but something did click in me at some point where I lost the emotion behind it and was able to easily plan things out in a logical manner. I went through phases 1st highly emotional 2nd too apathetic to care enough to plan anything 3rd logical planning. For a minute there I thought I might be ok to just rot in my bed and never do anything again so maybe I could just die like that

I keep hoping my bed rotting will finally kill me to

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Although I dont have ocd I do have bad executive dysfunction so I can relate

I relate to this. It took a lot of effort for me to grasp the SN method, source it and the AE. Having it on hand is a double edged sword. Now that there's somewhat of a commitment, I don't plan for the future as much. I loathe the responsibilities I will have to face with ailing family. It'd be different if I were on top of my game and helping from a place of empowerment but I'm not.

 

[sanction]

Anyone else trying to become more "stable" and clear headed so they can actually plan to ctb. Its ironic when you are always to depressed to even plan

What method are you using? And what timeframe you expect to do it?

 

[divinemistress36]

What method are you using? And what timeframe you expect to do it?

SN. I hope in 6 months but I said that last year so now I dont know