trying to deal with my ed

[garbagekan]

i dont really think im capable from dying from it but the more i try to eat the more it feels like i can. ive never really had anything i try to live for because it doesnt really work. my mentality is like a live like its your last day type thing but its everyday since i want to die. i dont have much motivation due to being suicidal but i do like my soft blankets and stuff like that. i dont enjoy life enough to be alive but enjoying my last days to the extent i can feels better than not. there is something coming up that if i live until id like to try to enjoy it but my ed would take that away from me. id be ok dying from it after though. plus it cost a lot of money and id feel bad if i didnt try to enjoy it.

i did try to eat a little yesterday and now i feel awful no one talks about how much it hurts to feed urself again. physically it sucks. i know all the reasons why it hurts but i genuinely feel so awful. im not completely sure on how to feed myself the right way again im just hoping im doing it right. i have a friend whos really nice about it but its still really embarassing. shes the only person i know whos honest with me and respects my wish to die so im very grateful to her. anyway my stomach hurts rlly bad i hope i can feel better soon:(