It depends. I have been diagnosed myself with Borderline but I'm not impulsive at all, I don't fear abandonment either, I am the one who leaves. I'm tense, I'm angry, I'm hateful sometimes but you can't see it, it's all internal. I don't act impulsively, never did, on the contrary I have a very practical mind, even too much sometimes. For others it's all on the outside, they can't control their emotions, they let their anger, their rage explode in front of everyone. Borderline is most of the time associated with the second but some of us are a mix of the cluster B so it's a bit more controvertial. Have you ever heard of Quiet Borderline ? That's me. Take a look.
Anyway everyone is different but you should start to know yourself by now. Are you impulsive ? Are you In or Out ? It seems to me you aren't impulsive at all, I say that without knowing you but when I read your posts I can see someone calm, who thinks clearly, who likes perfection, I'm sure you even check your posts twice before posting to be sure there is no grammatical errors :) So if you are like that too you won't have any problem with planning your end and doing it when you are ready. Your worst enemy is your resilience, it's very difficult for us to accept to lose, we can't just let it go, it's a long and painful road. We don't want to live but we can't accept to give up, to die.
I wish depression could take over once and for all, it would make things easier.
Interesting. I can't take being abandoned - that's for sure. So in that regards I'm the opposite. I always had issues with that. But regarding your type of bpd, that makes sense to me. Thanks for the clarification, that helps me a little bit more to understand the disorder. I don't know that much about it. I focused on the gender dysphoria for most of my life and I never even expected to be diagnosed with bpd for most of my life. I'm also calm most of the time and that's how most people who know me would describe my personality, but I can get very emotional, on impulse - and it results in a complete mental breakdown very quickly. So I'm in charge of my emotions most of the time, but when I lose it, I ususally lose it completely, you know. I try to keep it inside me most of the time and it's very rare that people actually witness my anger or sadness. As you said, it's something I usually process internal as well. I am a very introverted person in general, I always was and I think that plays a role in how I show and process my emotions. I self-harm frequently though, that's how I compensate for all the inner chaos.
And thanks. Yeah, you got me there - regarding my posts in this forum. I always double and triple-check them, to make sure they're coherent and without many typos. So in that case, you're 100% right about me. I'm definitely a little bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my posts here in the forum. And I'd describe myself as calm and prepared most of the time.
Yeah, going through the exit is though. I'm definitely in a big dilemma right now, I hope I can overcome this some day and just do it, without any hesitation. I had more determination before I checked into the hotel back in March. And ever since that experience, I'm a bit anxious about the process because I fear that I'm gonna chicken out again. And it just crushed me when that happened last time and it makes you realize: it's really fucking difficult. And it's not like I'm missing out on anything either, if I was dead. Like, being alive and slowly realizing that all the months or years that passed, in which you were still alive, didn't change anything for your situation, kinda sucks. Like, I could have left 2 years ago and it wouldn't make a difference for me right now because I was in the exact same spot. Hell, I could have left 10 years ago and I'd still say it wouldn't make a difference because nothing happened that was worthy enough of staying alive during that time. As you said, I don't really want to live but I don't want to die either, which is a very conflicting situation. But yeah, enough ranting on my part.
It would definitely be easier if depression took over. I hope I can achieve a complete state of dissociation and apathy someday, that would make it very easy for my exit.
The times ive attempted have been done impulsively whilst im in a drastic bpd mood swing. but it comes so quick in such a strong wave that i feel myself rushing to do something before my mood settles again (hence why i haven't yet succeeded, i haven't had the time or clear mind to be able to plan), its like all fears and SI cease for the time im seeing red and i cant think about what consequences my actions will have.
Thanks for your input. That's my experience with the disorder as well. I can turn extremely suicidal very fast but the heat never actually last long enough to kick me over the edge. Mostly because my method needs preparation over the course of a few days so it's very hard for me to ctb on impulse. I also live at home, with my parents and it takes some time for me to get into a different place and do my method there - because I don't want to die at home. Maybe this is gonna be a little bit different once I move into my own apartment. I just wish that drastic mood swing, as you described it, would last long enough to let me ctb in that state.
