trying to CTB tonight, if not then Tuesday

[diosadysiareborn]

allergic to walnuts, pecans, and two other nuts like that. i ate a few walnuts a few years ago and felt wheezy but stopped cause i didn't like the taste (honey roasted, my sensory issues hated them lol). i have ordered a bag of walnuts and pecan turtles from Uber Eats which will arrive shortly and will mix the two with yogurt too. fitting for me to go out that way. if not, i'm finding an alternative and/or will try to get my psychiatrist to prescribe me stuff that'll do the job or just another method (maybe fentanyl which is easy to find SOMEWHERE in my shitty city). i apparently almost DID die of a benadryl overdose back in 2021. i feel confident but kinda nervous for what comes after life (i'm an abusive deacons daughter, so religious fear has been drilled into me, but i came from love and know i will return). psych took me off my meds cold turkey. i have no one who truly cares. my family is having a reunion without me, no friends, no one really said happy birthday to me 2 days ago, my ex hurt me so bad then disappeared. i'm too sensitive and weird for this world. even if i go out Tuesday, i'm wondering if i should write a note or something. i was planning to make a quick playlist now that'll suffice as a note. wondering if i should list an emergency contact just incase something happens incorrectly. fine-tuning now, but feel it just may work. i wanted to make a difference in the world, already sorta did, but can't deal with abuse, people stalking me and wanting my downfall so bad including family, and my extreme instability.

it's like a calm, knowing feeling is over me. i hear my deceased loved ones in my head right now, saying "we don't want it, but we understand. reconsider though." i am not crying, screaming, or too nervous. if this doesn't work, i'm trying again Tuesday. i wish i could've stuck around in a sense, but this world was a nightmare and i was just a mistake like my father told me many times before. i don't want my family to have custody of my body though, so i'm making that note.

maybe i'll finally be at peace, maybe it'll drag on a bit but i plan for this Tuesday or this week. but i just feel excited, sorta calm, mostly nervous. if this is goodbye, i wish you all so much peace and a resolution you see fit to anything you may be going thru. life truly is what you make it (to a degree, never would negate very real suffering!) and i hope you make it beautiful and maybe can find something worth living for. if not, i hope you have a peaceful transition. i truly just want goodness for people. i just couldn't escape my situations or demons and feel too fucked up.

 

[clockwork_cat]

You said you're too sensitive and weird for this world, that you have no family/friends/loved ones or support, that everyone has hurt you in some way. I understand this all too well, I'm in the same position (completely alone). I also almost died from a benadryl overdose so I really resonate with your post.. I ended up going into a coma in 2019 from it.

Not trying to moralfag- just curious, does anything bring you joy? Would you say "fuck those people" and move somewhere else, explore your weirdness and sensitivity? I just think like, fuck those people. They sound like the weird and awful ones. Maybe there's something for you to find alone, before you end it because of horrible people.

Again not trying to moralfag, just really connected with your words and I'm super similar.

 

[Vizzy]

allergic to walnuts, pecans, and two other nuts like that. i ate a few walnuts a few years ago and felt wheezy but stopped cause i didn't like the taste (honey roasted, my sensory issues hated them lol). i have ordered a bag of walnuts and pecan turtles from Uber Eats which will arrive shortly and will mix the two with yogurt too. fitting for me to go out that way. if not, i'm finding an alternative and/or will try to get my psychiatrist to prescribe me stuff that'll do the job or just another method (maybe fentanyl which is easy to find SOMEWHERE in my shitty city). i apparently almost DID die of a benadryl overdose back in 2021. i feel confident but kinda nervous for what comes after life (i'm an abusive deacons daughter, so religious fear has been drilled into me, but i came from love and know i will return). psych took me off my meds cold turkey. i have no one who truly cares. my family is having a reunion without me, no friends, no one really said happy birthday to me 2 days ago, my ex hurt me so bad then disappeared. i'm too sensitive and weird for this world. even if i go out Tuesday, i'm wondering if i should write a note or something. i was planning to make a quick playlist now that'll suffice as a note. wondering if i should list an emergency contact just incase something happens incorrectly. fine-tuning now, but feel it just may work. i wanted to make a difference in the world, already sorta did, but can't deal with abuse, people stalking me and wanting my downfall so bad including family, and my extreme instability.

it's like a calm, knowing feeling is over me. i hear my deceased loved ones in my head right now, saying "we don't want it, but we understand. reconsider though." i am not crying, screaming, or too nervous. if this doesn't work, i'm trying again Tuesday. i wish i could've stuck around in a sense, but this world was a nightmare and i was just a mistake like my father told me many times before. i don't want my family to have custody of my body though, so i'm making that note.

maybe i'll finally be at peace, maybe it'll drag on a bit but i plan for this Tuesday or this week. but i just feel excited, sorta calm, mostly nervous. if this is goodbye, i wish you all so much peace and a resolution you see fit to anything you may be going thru. life truly is what you make it (to a degree, never would negate very real suffering!) and i hope you make it beautiful and maybe can find something worth living for. if not, i hope you have a peaceful transition. i truly just want goodness for people. i just couldn't escape my situations or demons and feel too fucked up.

I assume you know what you are doing, hope you find peace

 

[TheHuman]

Looks like your life decided to be nice to you and allows you to ctb with everyday items, I wish I could say the same. Anywho Good luck, and hope you find peace!

 

[diosadysiareborn]

You said you're too sensitive and weird for this world, that you have no family/friends/loved ones or support, that everyone has hurt you in some way. I understand this all too well, I'm in the same position (completely alone). I also almost died from a benadryl overdose so I really resonate with your post.. I ended up going into a coma in 2019 from it.

Not trying to moralfag- just curious, does anything bring you joy? Would you say "fuck those people" and move somewhere else, explore your weirdness and sensitivity? I just think like, fuck those people. They sound like the weird and awful ones. Maybe there's something for you to find alone, before you end it because of horrible people.

Again not trying to moralfag, just really connected with your words and I'm super similar.

hey, i'm so sorry you can relate and have similar experiences. it really is fuck those people, i truly am not necessarily shocked but just tired and so hurt from the people i've known literally destroying me then coming back over and over to finish the job. especially my mother. i just feel like i couldn't stand being alone for what i may know as forever. i know i don't hold the ability to see the future, i truly just feel like "if this is it, it ain't worth it"

i feel maybe if i had money and/or a means to move i could maybe see myself rebuilding slowly. i just really feel fucked up and unsure of almost everything. i'm living in an abusive group home situation and can barely afford to eat at this point. trying to work, do anything i can to improve, but keep failing. it's almost i wanna live, i'm just unsure of how i could make a life for myself. if i could kill "me" as i know and disappear from everyone i know, start over again, i probably would.

I assume you know what you are doing, hope you find peace

thank you. SI is being a bitch but i truly feel some peace but also nervous. my religious fam really got in my head about what could come after life. that's the only thing i worry about. but i had a friend of mine just ctb in February or so, i keep seeing him in dreams. calm, just a smile at me, looked nervous at first but now when i see him he's just calm. i keep hearing him saying he understands, but maybe stick it out. my items just arrived. i'm not out of sorts though, just trying to wrap things up with a playlist but also really thinking deeply. don't want my family to have last say over my body.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Wishing you peace from this shitty planet.

 

[diosadysiareborn]

Looks like your life decided to be nice to you and allows you to ctb with everyday items, I wish I could say the same. Anywho Good luck, and hope you find peace!

thank you. i'm hoping it'll work. i just got the items now. i'm trying to mentally prepare myself for what could happen i live in a group home and if people hear me choking or something, they could call for help. i already have a cover story ready. i just have a bit of SI and guilt cause one of my friend's ctb in Feb, i keep hearing his voice in my head for some reason. plus my ex lost 10+ (yes, that many people) including some to ctb since November. even when i'm down and out, i'm still thinking about others and i feel stupid for that. i feel almost ready, but just taking precautions.

Wishing you peace from this shitty planet.

thanks. i'm just readying myself. feels like a sense of peace but also anxiety. i'm hearing my recently deceased friend who ctb and my uncle who died voices and a few more passed loved ones in my head. i'm trying to calm my mind before doing this. but i literally hear them frantic with me now, saying they'll welcome me but to please reconsider. this is such a weird experience, but not a new one.

 

[TheHuman]

thank you. i'm hoping it'll work. i just got the items now. i'm trying to mentally prepare myself for what could happen i live in a group home and if people hear me choking or something, they could call for help. i already have a cover story ready. i just have a bit of SI and guilt cause one of my friend's ctb in Feb, i keep hearing his voice in my head for some reason. plus my ex lost 10+ (yes, that many people) including some to ctb since November. even when i'm down and out, i'm still thinking about others and i feel stupid for that. i feel almost ready, but just taking precautions.

thanks. i'm just readying myself. feels like a sense of peace but also anxiety. i'm hearing my recently deceased friend who ctb and my uncle who died voices and a few more passed loved ones in my head. i'm trying to calm my mind before doing this. but i literally hear them frantic with me now, saying they'll welcome me but to please reconsider. this is such a weird experience, but not a new one.

Alr whelp see you on the other side, Hope everything goes well and no one "saves" you. Good luck!

 

[clockwork_cat]

You should stick around.
There must be some kind of "love" out there for you, away from them. You don't have to stay trapped with the abusive mindfuck, it's the same with my mother.

Before you ctb, make a plan to live. Run away, save up, do something. Move to the other side of the country. If you still want to ctb then, you know how.

I just have a feeling there's something more on this Earth waiting for you, and I'm really not the type to normally moralfag.

I believe in you, genuinely.

(Also my best friend killed himself last January, I know the grief and want to join. Run away first, have cool stories to tell them when you join)

 

[diosadysiareborn]

You should stick around.
There must be some kind of "love" out there for you, away from them. You don't have to stay trapped with the abusive mindfuck, it's the same with my mother.

Before you ctb, make a plan to live. Run away, save up, do something. Move to the other side of the country. If you still want to ctb then, you know how.

I just have a feeling there's something more on this Earth waiting for you, and I'm really not the type to normally moralfag.

I believe in you, genuinely.

(Also my best friend killed himself last January, I know the grief and want to join. Run away first, have cool stories to tell them when you join)

thank you so much. this means so much to me. i have decided to postpone. i'm not quite ready yet, something is telling me it's not quite the time. the way you mentioned moving away, i actually was planning to. i'm gonna figure something out. your belief in me means so much. i wish nothing but love, peace, and genuine contentment for you.

 

[diosadysiareborn]

thank you so much. this means so much to me. i have decided to postpone. i'm not quite ready yet, something is telling me it's not quite the time. the way you mentioned moving away, i actually was planning to. i'm gonna figure something out. your belief in me means so much. i wish nothing but love, peace, and genuine contentment for you.

i'm getting off this site. remember why i deleted in the first place. i respect people's rights to choose, but have been getting some weird DM's not respecting mine and some asking me for favors. thank you again.

 

[Zegers]

May we find wellness

 

[Dot]

i'm getting off this site. remember why i deleted in the first place. i respect people's rights to choose, but have been getting some weird DM's not respecting mine and some asking me for favors. thank you again.

Pls report thm if u cme bck & C ths

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry life and people have treated you so poorly. Especially your family- that's awful. You sound like such a kind and caring person too. It hurts and makes me angry that the most beautiful, sensitive souls in this shitty world get treated the worst. I hope you are able to find the peace you seek.

Oh- and I love your profile pic. I had a Furby- 'Do-do-dooo'. It's not really the right tone for a goodbye thread but I had to share:

 

[FuneralCry]

This world undeniably is such a hellish place and it's so horrible how humans so unnecessarily create so much suffering. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.