Help Trying to choose a date that wont ruin a wedding?

[Tumblewillow]

Ive finally decided to give up but I'm using my last bit of strength to go to a friend's wedding and was planning to CTB a few days after, but its just dawned on me how stupid and selfish that is because I'd ruin her wedding/anniversary. Is it acceptable to wait 2-4 weeks or should I wait for the next season so the time of year feels different?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

You have to do what feels right for you.

May I suggest something to you, something you're *probably* not going to like? I hope it's ok. Anyway, people who are at their end point, and are truly ready to "off" themselves, *usually* don't give one iota of care about how their ctb will/would/might affect others - their pain of staying far outweighs any pain they might cause others. At that point, you just don't give a shit anymore.

Just my 2 cents. I know it's not worth very much.

 

[encore]

You have to do what feels right for you.

May I suggest something to you, something you're *probably* not going to like? I hope it's ok. Anyway, people who are at their end point, and are truly ready to "off" themselves, *usually* don't give one iota of care about how their ctb will/would/might affect others - their pain of staying far outweighs any pain they might cause others. At that point, you just don't give a shit anymore.

Just my 2 cents. I know it's not worth very much.

i second this. maybe it makes me an inconsiderate, soulless asshole, or an unempathetic person in general, but i kinda stopped trying to dance around the fact that my death will likely bring some people pain. it will probably ruin some dates, months, maybe years for people. i acknowledge that, but i also make room for my own struggles. why should their hypothetical pain be considered over mine? if staying alive even just for a day longer brings immense suffering, i simply don't have the resource to care about how someone else will feel when i'm no longer here. i want out, and that's it.

 

[Tumblewillow]

You have to do what feels right for you.

May I suggest something to you, something you're *probably* not going to like? I hope it's ok. Anyway, people who are at their end point, and are truly ready to "off" themselves, *usually* don't give one iota of care about how their ctb will/would/might affect others - their pain of staying far outweighs any pain they might cause others. At that point, you just don't give a shit anymore.

Just my 2 cents. I know it's not worth very much.

Not at all, I appreciate the perspective. I've attempted before so I know the feeling, and I'm not in an active suicidal state yet. Im in the states prior to it, but I know after the wedding I will be as it's the last thing in the way.

Unfortunately after I survived my last attempt I destroyed my relationships with all my friends and family because of it, I've spent years in therapy trying to take accountability for my moment of selfishness which is why I'm taking more consideration this time around in the off chance I'm discovered.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Not at all, I appreciate the perspective. I've attempted before so I know the feeling, and I'm not in an active suicidal state yet. Im in the states prior to it, but I know after the wedding I will be as it's the last thing in the way.

Unfortunately after I survived my last attempt I destroyed my relationships with all my friends and family because of it, I've spent years in therapy trying to take accountability for my moment of selfishness which is why I'm taking more consideration this time around in the off chance I'm discovered.

Suicide is inherently selfish. It kind of has to be. I don't want to discount what you're saying, and even feeling, but I have reservations about the idea that after this wedding, that suicidal ideation is just going to go from "not in an active suicidal state yet" to full-blown "I'm going to kill myself right now" mode, like that of a light switch. If you're still caring about stuff, that's what you're doing. There's nothing wrong with that, still caring, or having hope. I don't think you just turn that stuff off, though. I think it, kind of, has to die organically, not planned. And I do hear what you're saying about giving consideration. You care. Again, there's nothing wrong with that (unless you're a nihilist).

My viewpoint comes from knowing a couple people pretty well who ctb. One was so far past giving a crap about anything that he didn't even care that his mother would be the one to find him hanging. And she did. He had a great relationship with his mother, yet he reached the point where it just didn't matter to him, even though it was a sure thing that she would be the one to find him. Nothing mattered to him, only escape.

 

[Tumblewillow]

Suicide is inherently selfish. It kind of has to be. I don't want to discount what you're saying, and even feeling, but I have reservations about the idea that after this wedding, that suicidal ideation is just going to go from "not in an active suicidal state yet" to full-blown "I'm going to kill myself right now" mode, like that of a light switch. If you're still caring about stuff, that's what you're doing. There's nothing wrong with that, still caring, or having hope. I don't think you just turn that stuff off, though. I think it, kind of, has to die organically, not planned. And I do hear what you're saying about giving consideration. You care. Again, there's nothing wrong with that (unless you're a nihilist).

My viewpoint comes from knowing a couple people pretty well who ctb. One was so far past giving a crap about anything that he didn't even care that his mother would be the one to find him hanging. And she did. He had a great relationship with his mother, yet he reached the point where it just didn't matter to him, even though it was a sure thing that she would be the one to find him. Nothing mattered to him, only escape.

I think your opinion is very valid and I can see it's quite personal for you because of people you have known, but not everyone is the same. Some people that commit suicide do still care. People that have loved me have done incredibly cruel things to me. Cruelty and love and care and selfishness can co exist in one person.

I think people commit suicide for different reasons, some people hate life and others believe they have little other choice. I don't want to die, which is what you're picking up on. But there is no other way out of my situation. I ruined my whole life and Im crippled by PTSD. I don't care about myself, but I care about the people unfortunate enough to know me. Its guilt that has pushed me to this point. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince everyone I'm a good person despite what I'm going to do.

I have already made peace with my selfishness and have acknowledged that in my note, my husband will find me and my family and friends will be traumatized. If that means I've stopped caring about them, then so be it. I have enough life experience to hide how I'm feeling and function until it's time.

Maintaining enough awareness to consider that I dont need to ruin my friends wedding as well does not mean I'm not suicidal at all.

 

[ryba]

for what it's worth, your reasons seem similar to mine (at least based on this thread). i'm holding off because i don't wanna ruin my brother's graduation, but 2-4 weeks after is about what i was thinking would be acceptable. i think that's enough time where ctb'ing shouldn't cast a shadow over the event so it can still be looked back on positively.

that being said, you can't really know how people will cope with it. sometimes people will latch onto something completely unrelated as the reason why you decided to do it, so my thinking is to do it when i feel that it is acceptable.