Trying to buy time before I CBT, to get affairs in order, but feeling futile

[watchingthewheels]

I'm on the verge of a breakdown...can't sleep, partly physical, partly mental. I just need...not to vent, but to clear my mind by clarifying my thoughts...

Having some dental issues, which is not the cause, but I've developed a dental phobia as of late. On top of that, the result will either be a hefty bill that I can't afford right now, or an extraction of a back molar, while facing pressure from the dentist to get an implant, which I don't want, as I don't plan on being around much longer, so it wouldn't be worth it, anyway. It's in the back, I've already had the one on the opposite side pulled a few years ago with no issue, so I don't mind losing it, not like I'm walking around with a missing front tooth...but the dentist makes me feel guilty for not going with the implant, which is like $2500. The guilt gets added to the phobia, and increases the anxiety. They talked me into a planing before, and hit a literal nerve, which made me jolt. That's what started my phobia. But I agreed to that when I still had some hope of a future. I don't want them putting screws into my jaw and doing who knows what kind of extra damage in the process...

I was really hoping that the pain was from my jaw, which has been tense lately. I'm always in pain from something or other. But it seems that it is, in fact, the tooth, which I was already warned about (a loose crown). But I don't want to keep throwing good money after bad; no matter how well I care for my teeth, it's always something. Half of it I blame on the dentist, anyway; my first cavity that I ever went for? They drilled the hole and forgot to fill it, and sent me home that way. That's the same tooth that's giving me trouble today, which is currently under a crown. Besides, it would only add to the debt that I'm trying to pay off now so that I can CBT with guilt.

The tooth issue isn't my main problem, though, just another straw on the camel's back. I'm only still here because I'm both trying to finish a project I was working on, and get my affairs in order. But even those, now, seem meaningless. The project, a musical one, has no meaning, anymore, and that is the biggest punch to the gut, because it used to be my everything.

Being that it's the last week of summer, I decided to go to the shore for the first time in 5 years. Wound up going late in the day, almost sundown, because of traffic. I wanted to go one last time, because I do like being near the ocean and the boardwalk. But it just felt hollow. It brought me no joy, not even nostalgia. The toothache/jawache didn't help, of course. But even without that, it still just felt empty. I don't mean the boardwalk, it was crowded. But I was alone among a crowd, which used to never bother me, but today, just reinforced the loneliness of my life and the meaninglessness of it all, and made me think why even bother finishing the project, or even getting my affairs in order?

I don't want to leave behind unfinished business for others to deal with, but then, why not? I've been cleaning up other's messes my whole life, trying to save people like my abusive mother, avenge my father's suicide that was because of her (even though he abandoned me at 4 years old, left me to deal with her abuse because he couldn't). Abandoned by my best friend at the worst time 5 years ago because he decided he needed to "find" himself in gay sex, drugs, and alcohol. Dealing with my own loneliness because I'm not happy with being gay, either, and the last relationship I had was 20 years ago, and I never got over him, even though I'm the one who left him because he lied about the things he believed. I never fit with the "gay community", the "lifestyle", anyway, never fit the stereotype, and it wasn't my defining trait. And politically, the world's gone to hell, and I can't even take sides because there is no side to take for me, being a political misfit. So to watch the world brew into this, I can't even give my life to a cause bigger than myself. It's all insane.

The ultimate irony of getting myself together after finding the truth about my father's death being caused by my mother, and finding out she was taking advantage of me while trying to save her, while taking care of her in the hospital had me suicidal already, dredging up old childhood trauma that I had long ago dealt with, so I thought. I had to save her, myself, and my sister, when I was just a child, when she was being beaten to death by an alcoholic stepdad, for over a 7 year period.) But that recovery was based on lies I was told. I got myself together, only to succumb to 6 months of kidney stones that nearly killed me, and a liver tumor scare (turned out to be benign) to come back from that, and to get myself in shape and set a long term goal, only to have THAT taken away from me because of the global shutdown. After pulling my support from abusive family and telling myself to stop saving everyone who doesn't deserve it, only to find myself trying to save the world again, thinking all the past suffering was for a purpose leading to now. But there's no purpose, there's no mission, it's just humanity going insane.

I never thought I belonged here, even since a kid, I was a misfit among misfits. An autistic gay alien. But even then, I tried to adjust, to fit it, to see all sides, to manage my own temper, to use reason instead of violence, to give my best at work, to forgive my family. Not that I was perfect, no one is, but to work at being better. It just all feels like it's been for nothing.

And so, why bother? I'm in a never-ending cycle. I've always done my best to be responsible, and not be a burden. But as much as I'd like to go out with things in order, there will always be "one more thing" to deal with, one last false ray of hope that keeps me waiting, while adding more misery and messes to clean up, which prolongs the inevitable. For me to get my affairs in order, to pay off the last of my credit cards, about $2500 left. I can't pay that off in less than a year, though. The dental work threatens to add to that. I'm financing a car, but they can at least take the car back. I do have a 403b, and an employer life insurance plan (I've been there for way over 2 years, if it came out that I CBT instead of something natural; 2 years being the policy, so I'm thinking those would go towards outstanding credit card debt. But then I have no beneficiary, being alone, so I don't know who would take care of that. I could add my former friend as beneficiary, and hope he would be kind enough, and he could have whatever's left.

But I don't have anyone to make arrangements for my remains, either. I want to be cremated. I don't care about expensive funerals and memorials, I don't want a fuss. I don't care what happens to my body. But then, I think about my legacy, but hey; no one cares enough about my living legacy, so what of it after I'm gone.

But I just don't think I can continue the cycle anymore. There will never be an ideal jumping off point, because it will always be something else to clean up and deal with or something adding to the mess to resolve. The world's not getting better anytime soon, and the financial system is built on a house of cards, anyway, printing money out of thin air, spending the next generation into debt before they're even born. I've always paid my bills, unlike my deadbeat mother who squandered our money, too advantage of the charity from others, and even today continues to do so, and acts as if she's doing the favor by taking other's money, and built strong credit. But me paying off my measly debt (which is mostly medical expenses, at that) is just an excuse at this point not to CBT. I think that at this point, I've earned the out. I can't save the world, I can't save my family or friends, they never wanted me to save them, anyway. I can't even save myself. I just want out of the cycle.

I think I'm just procrastinating because of my father's suicide, which was bloody (gun to head) and traumatic and left behind a physical and emotional mess. And on top of that, I've wanted to CBT since I was 8 years old, and never wanted to live past 50, but fought to live so as not to follow in his footsteps. I just turned 47, so I think I did pretty good on that front. I lasted longer than I had any statistical right to; I should have succumbed either to early CBT or the same drug and alcohol and violence based life that runs in my family. But I didn't, I bucked the trend, fought to make things better for myself and others. I had some mild success at that, less than I had hoped for, but more than I could have expected. But it's caught up to me. I can't keep repeating the cycle. The last five years have been too much. But at least all I'm leaving behind is a minimal debt, a financed car, and a peaceful body (via N). It could be worse. At least I'm doing that much.

(If only the the kidney stones had finished me off, or if the tumor wasn't benign, then the decision wouldn't be mine. But that would have been extremely painful, the stones were excruciating. I now have a peaceful means, but that makes the responsibility mine. And I've always been too responsible for my own good, taking too much of the blame so that others wouldn't have to, thanks to my parents, being a "parentified" child, and when that failed, tried to save the world, instead.)

Going to try to go back to sleep, and see how I feel later. I'll make a dentist appointment on Monday, and see the extent of it. (It's already on their radar before). I think if I can just get it pulled, it will buy me some time. But it's just to buy me time. I just don't know what my time is worth, anymore.

Thanks for listening.

This: "If only the the kidney stones had finished me off, or if the tumor wasn't benign, then the decision wouldn't be mine. But that would have been extremely painful, the stones were excruciating. I now have a peaceful means, but that makes the responsibility mine. And I've always been too responsible for my own good, taking too much of the blame so that others wouldn't have to, thanks to my parents, being a "parentified" child, and when that failed, tried to save the world, instead."

I'm too smart to be that naive, though. I don't believe in god, and I know there's no "waiting for Godot", there's no one coming to save me, let alone to take the responsibility of my own death off my shoulders. The blessing and curse of being overly-responsible. But I hope that now I can take responsibility for saving myself, even if that means giving myself a peaceful death.

The blessing and curse of being overly responsible, to a fault. Thinking that everything was my responsibility, having the weight of the world on my shoulders from too young an age, afraid to make a mistake. Partly because my abusive mother berated any mistakes we made, even when learning to tie our shoes, we were "stupid" because we didn't get it right away, and partly because it WAS life-or-death in case where she was being beaten to death, and me and my sister would have been next. Or saying the right thing in court during her custody battle for my brother from his abusive dad, etc...this ties in to the dentist, to everything else. Anytime I have to make a decision my anxiety nearly paralyzes me, for fear of making mistakes and blowing it. I think that carries over into my feeling like everything has to be perfect and in order before I can CBT. That's ironic, though. I mean, in life, one worries about making a "Fatal" mistake. And it's one thing if I failed and had to deal with the consequences...but to succeed, and worry about the consequences? What's going to happen? Are they going to call me back from the dead? No, I'm worried about the consequences on the living, I guess, at least the ones who had nothing to do with it but might otherwise be affected...

 

[watchingthewheels]

I just had a realization: Am I being responsible, or conceited? How conceited am I to think that the consequences of my CBT will be so great on others?

I'm so worried about what people will think if I leave without things being less-than-perfect. Irony. I've tried to improve the world around me, make life better. I've tried to live by example. I thought others in my life wanted the same. They say the do, and I took it to heart, but they'd rather wallow and cut corners and revel in misery. And they resent anyone who tries to do better. It's not like I asked for perfection (I'm certainly not perfect), but to at least make an effort. (At the very least, to do no harm, to NOT make things worse than they are.) So why do I expect perfection in myself? Because god forbid if I make a mistake, they certainly let me know about it, out of vindictiveness. I've had my efforts to improve things thrown back in my face, even sabotaged. So, then, why I am thinking that being so responsible in my death will make a difference, when it didn't matter in the way I lived my life? (Hell, they'd probably prefer for me to not have it all worked out, might give them some smug satisfaction.)

I'm single, and have no children, or pets.
My minimal debt will simply be written off. (It's all fiat currency, anyway.) What I owe is a drop in an ocean compared to the trillions wasted by our governments. If life insurance and retirement money are available, I'm sure the bank will eagerly find a way to get their money.
My car will be repossessed and sold at auction.
I have minimal belongings.
I rent an apartment.
I'm a cog in the machine at work who can be replaced.
My body will either be buried or cremated. A few words will be said. Maybe some tears from people who knew me. Probably some crocodile tears from my mother, who will simply milk my death for sympathy.*
And then, that's it. No one will care. People barely know I'm alive, now, outside of work, and the few "friends" I do talk to are all online friends, in other states. (I already work from home now, because of the pandemic). They don't care, now. The world will continue to revolve around the sun. I had my day in the sun. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...All that, like my father before me...e

It's rather Buddhist, in a way. A means of acceptance.

*All that, like my father before me...except that he had 2 children and a wife and parents and siblings that were all affected deeply. His death had ripple effects on our lives. Mine, not so much. Maybe it's better this way. Less negative ripples on others.

 

[watchingthewheels]

Finally was able to get some sleep, at least. Woke up thinking about a couple of things:

The tooth: The situation/damage to my teeth is largely due to stess. I have a history of grinding already from anxiety. destroying my back molars. But when I was caring for my mother in the hospital, it was so bad that the stress point shifted to the front. My jaw would spasm and slam my front bottom tooth into the top incisor, slowly chipping at it from behind. The dentist patched it, but when the pandemic hit, it started again, and I cracked the bottom portion of the tooth. He was able to fix that with another tooth piece, so it didnt have to be replaced for now. But that convinced me of not getting an implant, because I'll just wind up breaking those, too.

The car: I would NEVER had bought a NEW car for myself. the only reason I have a financed car is, once again, because of my mom. When I was caring for her, I was going back and forth between my state and hers. Only an hour away, except there's a bridge and freeway to get their, with heavy traffic, and my used car at the time, which I had paid off, couldn't handle it, and my transmission went. Meanwhile, her SUV, which is a handicapped van for my brother with CerebalPalsy, needed work too, because she didn't take care of it. I didn't have time to find a decent used car, but was under pressure (and being guilted for not getting to her soon enough), so I leased a new car. The irony is that shortly after I did, she was stable enough to stop going to the hospital, and already on the mend after a year, and didn't need my constant help. But then, I was stuck with the 3-year lease. After it was up, it was just cheaper to buy it rather than find a used car which would usually require repairs anyway. And while I had no one to pay for my car, my brother's trust paid $7500 for repairs on her SUV. That was more than what I paid for my previous used car. And she was still ungrateful for my help.

I went into debt trying to help HER and my brother, who is basically a vegetable, born that way thanks to a hospital error, I'm told. But she won the lawsuit, and has a trust to care for him with full-time nurses. She gets to sleep all day, not work, and everyone walks on eggshells around her. Her house was a wreck at the time because of a flooded kitchen, which the trust paid to fix. They put her and my brother and her dog up in a hotel during, which she kept a mess and the dog ripped up the carpet. The dog was uncared for, and overweight, I had to get him adopted during all this, for which she got angry. She forgets what she did to our dogs when I was a teen and when she abandoned us. She barely kept my brother, who get sick in the meantime, and had to be in a facility and get a trach. I was juggling her house repairs so that she could move back home, clean up her house that she kept as a pig-pen, (she never cleaned it; I cleaned it before all this to help out once, and she just reverted it back to a pig-pen); clean up the hotel that she trashed, keep her car running, her bills paid, and more, while holding down a full-time job and going back and forth between states...all while finding out that she was the cause of my father's suicide, after lying to me for 40 years. And no matter how she fucks up and abuses the good will around her, she always comes out smelling like roses, somehow. And it's everyone else's fault; nothing is good enough. Her house gets fixed with new carpet, but they didn't do the closet in the carpet, or they didn't do this for her. As my uncle once said, she never thanks you for the 90 percent you can do for her, but blames you for the 10 percent you can't do.

When my father died, she was taken care of; got SS survivor benefits for her, myself, and my sister up until we were 17. She wasted that money, borrowing money from everyone, even those who made less than her, like my grandmother on welfare. And yet, I feel guilty about CBT without having everything perfectly arranged. Explains a lot.