I have fetti, I've kept it for months just in case because I've been considering doing it for a while. There is really nothing good in my life. I planned on committing before, you can see in my other posts, I ended up just getting high because I figured I'll at least feel better, which was a mistake and to be honest I should have just gone through with it. Now though, I have more than enough to be good and my life is hopeless. As weak as this is going to sound I really just want a girl, every experience I've had has been really bad. Like mother figure was terrible and then of course everything after follows suit to that example. Then just out of the very few that had gotten that close to me, they either cheated on me or led me on and now I just think I'm incapable of being loved. I don't see anything wrong with me but I'm also not a competent judge given the dynamic of romanticism. I'm also burned out on effort. My life has been, at least from an outside perspective, this is likely ridiculous, I've been in much "worse" situations but this is by far the most painful. I mean I understand why. I'm also in my mid-later 20s so I feel time isn't on my side and the continued suffering of being constantly reminded that either this isn't going to happen for me or I'll just be consistently let down and hurt. It doesn't seem worth it. I'm so traumatized from past experience that I've been beaten into passivity where I'm overly vigilant and therefore won't take any risk, which puts me essentially in a losing game, as well as that any time I do take the risk, which takes me months to get to, it ends badly. I really don't want to do this anymore. I can't bring myself to end it though. I think part of it is like what if I fail, I'm in a situation where I can't pop dirty on a drug test, so the risk of fucking up is unnerving. There's no real reason I would fail but who knows, maybe it's bunk, haven't tried it so I don't know. Then of course the commitment itself. Thinking into after my death as if I could see it, so naturally I have some will to live but I'm pretty resigned, I think just my minds natural mechanisms are forcing me to feel anxiety. The thought of rest at some points is really enticing then others not so much but the will to die is still there, just partial on accepting nothingness, I go back and forth. I want to die all the time, just some I have more conviction than others. Now I'm waiting for the perfect moment. Like it was raining today, I was going to but couldn't find a dry spot away from the public, there's the possibility if I do it in a relatively public area I'll get narcanned and then I'm really fucked. I don't know. I can't talk about this openly anywhere else.
I guess a better way to put it would be I don't want to die but I cannot live like this. There's so much I want to get out of life that I feel I cannot if I do not have this and therefore I can get nothing out of life so I ought not live it. I feel like I failed myself because I tried to value myself as others could not but with no one to receive me I feel as though I'm just lying to myself, if my value isn't reflected it's nonexistent.
I guess a better way to put it would be I don't want to die but I cannot live like this. There's so much I want to get out of life that I feel I cannot if I do not have this and therefore I can get nothing out of life so I ought not live it. I feel like I failed myself because I tried to value myself as others could not but with no one to receive me I feel as though I'm just lying to myself, if my value isn't reflected it's nonexistent.
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