whenlavaflows
Member
- Sep 21, 2020
- 86
so i woke up manic and extremely messed up over my ex. we were together for 4 years. i'm 25 and he's 37, which i've now been told that age gap relationships aren't the best..
he broke up with me in sep, kicked me out of our apartment and i had to give our dog away.
he broke up with me because i was an addict to benzos, heroin, alcohol and coke. i made some stupid mistakes when i was heavily using and he didn't want to deal with my shit anymore so rightfully he forced me out .
i had to go through withdrawals from all these substances because in the beginning me told me if i got clean he would be there waiting for me.
that was a lie.
every single day since september i have cried every day. i know other people have it much worse than i do. i feel silly and stupid for still feeling like this almost 4 months after the fact.
no amount of therapy has helped me through this.
today, i finally had enough and i tried to call him... he denied the call. i lost my mind. and sent him like 30 messages begging him to please forgive me and understand i'm different. radio silence. i don't know if he blocked me but he probably did.
i've been planning this for a while. sn was my 1st choice but i have no way to obtain. i have a scarf that i tied up to the third floors railings. i made both knots extremely tight, around my neck and the pole. i was hesitant at first so i carefully stepped down onto the second ledge. i cried my eyes out for a bit. i wanted to reach out to someone but all i wanted to talk to was my ex. he probably wouldn't have answered. i finally decided to let my feet go. i felt my face getting so hot and this pressure building up around my jaws. my throat felt like it was being pressed against so painfully. i doubt i even did the method right but i just hang there waiting for whatever to happen to happen and boom. knot at the top undid and i fell down onto the first flight of stairs.
i feel numb at this point. numb and stupid. seriously, no one would care if i died except my family. i don't know what to do. i want to try again so bad. but the only person that i want to care and to stop me from doing this doesn't give a shit... i just want him to know how much i love and miss him and i'm so sorry.. so fucking sorry.... but at this point hes probably gonna be happy that i'm dead or happy if he never has to hear my name ever again
i hate myself so much and i just want this to end
he broke up with me in sep, kicked me out of our apartment and i had to give our dog away.
he broke up with me because i was an addict to benzos, heroin, alcohol and coke. i made some stupid mistakes when i was heavily using and he didn't want to deal with my shit anymore so rightfully he forced me out .
i had to go through withdrawals from all these substances because in the beginning me told me if i got clean he would be there waiting for me.
that was a lie.
every single day since september i have cried every day. i know other people have it much worse than i do. i feel silly and stupid for still feeling like this almost 4 months after the fact.
no amount of therapy has helped me through this.
today, i finally had enough and i tried to call him... he denied the call. i lost my mind. and sent him like 30 messages begging him to please forgive me and understand i'm different. radio silence. i don't know if he blocked me but he probably did.
i've been planning this for a while. sn was my 1st choice but i have no way to obtain. i have a scarf that i tied up to the third floors railings. i made both knots extremely tight, around my neck and the pole. i was hesitant at first so i carefully stepped down onto the second ledge. i cried my eyes out for a bit. i wanted to reach out to someone but all i wanted to talk to was my ex. he probably wouldn't have answered. i finally decided to let my feet go. i felt my face getting so hot and this pressure building up around my jaws. my throat felt like it was being pressed against so painfully. i doubt i even did the method right but i just hang there waiting for whatever to happen to happen and boom. knot at the top undid and i fell down onto the first flight of stairs.
i feel numb at this point. numb and stupid. seriously, no one would care if i died except my family. i don't know what to do. i want to try again so bad. but the only person that i want to care and to stop me from doing this doesn't give a shit... i just want him to know how much i love and miss him and i'm so sorry.. so fucking sorry.... but at this point hes probably gonna be happy that i'm dead or happy if he never has to hear my name ever again
i hate myself so much and i just want this to end
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