suicidalcatlady
Member
- May 7, 2023
- 87
Went to a psych unit after being told it was the best place to go for acute suicidal ideation and being suggested to go by many people. Especially because it had a walk in without the trauma of ER's (I have a history of 5 attempts and a shit ton of ER trauma) and no cost of ambulance. Since I've had an attempt in the past that left me relearning to walk for almost a year, I've been extremely suicidal still but terrified to commit again. Because of this "protective factor" and honestly feeling a little hopeful for once, I sought help instead of giving into the urges (and I have SN, source gone).
It left me so much worse. The verbal abuse and gaslighting I went through was insane. They let patients do whatever they wanted self harm wise as long as you didn't inconvenience the staff and did it in your room. If you showed emotions they punished you. They made a poor girl sleep on a chair outside her room for days because her method of choice would've been hanging and they didn't want to do frequent room checks. Knowing that it was her parent's death anniversary. They upped my luvox which helped the SI a bit, but doesn't fucking matter because of the trauma I'm leaving with. I am autistic and female and they seem to fucking hate that population so I think that's part of it.
Now I really do just want to end it.
This isn't to discourage someone to get help because some places are okay, just a place to vent and relate to others that've gone through the same. Getting help shouldn't leave you feeling like you never want to again if you need it. I am so broken especially hearing a staff member say they just released me to get rid of me because they didn't want to deal with me, not because I was actually better or safe.
They also forced haldol onto me after a minor autistic meltdown, and the unit manager said to my face that I was maybe "developmentally delayed" and I acted worse than any of her adolescent patients just because I had this single meltdown after being told over and over I could go outside and go to the cafeteria (I have a history of Ed) every day and then never getting it.
I hate my life right now and it's horrible to be alive. The only thing holding me back from self harming is that I'm already ugly enough.
It left me so much worse. The verbal abuse and gaslighting I went through was insane. They let patients do whatever they wanted self harm wise as long as you didn't inconvenience the staff and did it in your room. If you showed emotions they punished you. They made a poor girl sleep on a chair outside her room for days because her method of choice would've been hanging and they didn't want to do frequent room checks. Knowing that it was her parent's death anniversary. They upped my luvox which helped the SI a bit, but doesn't fucking matter because of the trauma I'm leaving with. I am autistic and female and they seem to fucking hate that population so I think that's part of it.
Now I really do just want to end it.
This isn't to discourage someone to get help because some places are okay, just a place to vent and relate to others that've gone through the same. Getting help shouldn't leave you feeling like you never want to again if you need it. I am so broken especially hearing a staff member say they just released me to get rid of me because they didn't want to deal with me, not because I was actually better or safe.
They also forced haldol onto me after a minor autistic meltdown, and the unit manager said to my face that I was maybe "developmentally delayed" and I acted worse than any of her adolescent patients just because I had this single meltdown after being told over and over I could go outside and go to the cafeteria (I have a history of Ed) every day and then never getting it.
I hate my life right now and it's horrible to be alive. The only thing holding me back from self harming is that I'm already ugly enough.
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