Story Tried to delete my account here, but here I am...

[PotSmokingSloth]

I think I get irritated by people here sometimes but I'm kind of a hypocrite because I start becoming more toxic myself. So I figured it would be best to leave. But I have nowhere to go. No one to talk to. Idk what to do with myself.

My symptoms got worse recently. Might lose my job because of it. Feeling pretty hopeless. I can't ctb right now. So I'm just trying to do damage control I guess. Idk if I will ever have the courage to ctb to be honest. I think Im too afraid. So I'm just existing. Ill probably add more in the comments.

I am tired of the depression. I've tried many meds and therapy. At this point I'd give almost anything a try. Electro Convulsive Therapy. Cingulotomy. Deep Brain Stimulation. Fuck it even a lobotomy I don't care anymore. Or maybe they can remove my amygdala. I don't think my insurance would cover any of that. Even to ctb i would first need to overcome fear, so I need to recover from that just to ctb lmao. This is feeling like it shouldn't be in recovery section, but im just ambivalent i guess.

 

[timf]

If you can carve out even a small portion of your life for simple pleasures or things you enjoy, it might help to establish something you can build on. A favorite book, movie, or even something like an ice cream cone can help form a sense of control and the possibility of something to look forward to.

 

[yololu]

I know how you feel. I often think about (like, I really see how I ctb) hanging myself, running in front of a train, jumping out of the window. I'm also pretty afraid, not that much about what happens after death, but more because I imagine some fake scenarios, seeing friends and family cry and not getting the right answer.

For me, it was really helpful to talk with my closest friends. This was, when my ex-gf pushed me to open up and tell her, what's going on in my head. So I told her about my suicidal thoughts and she started laughing. Three weeks later she broke up with me, because I wasn't opening up more, which is kind of understandable, because the trust was broken. Until today, I don't understand why she did that, furthermore she's studying medicine and really can't react like this. All of my self-confidence, which my friends built up, was broken down in less than a second, because of a reaction. But my friends are building my confidence up again. In July, I will start a therapy.

What I'm saying is, that doing a therapy is a courageous step, but talking to your closest friends is important, too. A therapist will see your problems from an professional perspective. A friend gives you the emotional support, which no professional can give you.

Stay strong!

 

[unnormal9]

I think I get irritated by people here sometimes but I'm kind of a hypocrite because I start becoming more toxic myself. So I figured it would be best to leave. But I have nowhere to go. No one to talk to. Idk what to do with myself.

That's reason why i still come here.
I've been banned from every single social/online forum on the internet including kiwifarms.

If you can carve out even a small portion of your life for simple pleasures or things you enjoy, it might help to establish something you can build on. A favorite book, movie, or even something like an ice cream cone can help form a sense of control and the possibility of something to look forward to.

If you can just wave a magic wand and suddenly you'll be instantly happy! you'll shut up about your pain then!