Venting tried failed a lot in between

[SalirDeLaMelancolía]

it feels weird looking at my
older posts
i attempted a couple of months ago my method was SN and to be honest it was pretty painful
i was taken to the emergency room and they were pumping me with all sorts of medicine and put an oxygen mask on me and it lasted for hours all while i was slipping in and out of consciousness feeling everything
i think if they werent keeping me alive i might have fallen unconscious and maybe i wouldnt have felt as much as i did
at first the thought of attempting again didnt seem too appealing because SN was the method i was set on and my only experience with it was not so good but im starting to think it might be a good idea after all im just gonna keep put A.K.A. not pass out in the hallway of an occupied house and not set off any warning bells or however you call them
do you know whats strange? i think all of that pain would have been worth it if i were able to die after i cant help but feel resentment towards everyone who contributed to giving me a resurrection of sorts in the hospital the doctors the people who took me there everyone i dont feel the smallest amount of gratitude just deep resentment
i think i might have gotten a bit of brain damage its something about my perception that i cant describe it also might be that i am not too sober these days and have a heavy opioid addiction in the moment but i dont think that is the reason its something about me that changed ever since that day
im going to start planning my second attempt and get everything i need to get and plan everything more thoroughly this time

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so horrible what you went through, failing a suicide attempt is exactly what I would fear and it disgusts me how other people try to interfere in suicidal people leaving this world, they shouldn't have any right to prolong suffering. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.