Trauma to My Children...a Long Story

[suffering_mo_7]

I'm writing this with tears....my whole life has fallen apart in the last 6 months since I got a medical infusion that was supposed to improve my life. Instead, all it did was destroy my health, cause me immense physical pain and suffering, and damage my nervous system and brain..... It's pretty much destroyed my marriage of more than 2 decades. It's traumatized my many children, several still at home, where we created a loving and protective environment for them. I was just a stay at home mom, stressed but content, just 7 months ago. Now I am living in a science fiction horror movie. I have lost my relationships and friendships. I can no longer do anything I used to enjoy. My life is just suffering.

I am in physical agony every single day, with my skin on fire/stinging pins and needles from head to toe, where clothes hurt worse (have to wear them inside out), a breeze hurts, sheets hurt. I cannot lean in a chair or lay flat on my back because of spinal pain and more pins and needles. My knees hurt. I have tremors and muscle fisculations. I do not sleep hardly, even with medication and by myself now.... the insomnia alone drives me insane. I am restless and cannot sit even during a meal, pacing for hours a day, unable to relax at all. I have sound sensitivity/hyperacusis, and am easily overstimulated. I get goosebumps over my body from simple things like washing my hands. I'm disassociated, struggling to feel connection. I can no longer rationalize or have conversations about normal things. My brain and reasoning has been destroyed, leaving in it's wake someone I don't even know (nor does anyone else).. someone selfish, self centered and hard to talk to. My brain just doesn't feel right. I have damage to my stomach, similar to gastritis so struggle to eat.. only bland mushy foods. I am in pain, suffering, agony pretty much 24/7.....all from an infusion, which was neurotoxic. I am incredibly depressed, have underlying OCD and anxiety but now am "crazy". My home is full of turmoil...I can barely care for myself, let alone my children, and I am often alone in my bedroom by myself, not interacting or engaging, ignoring everyone, on FB a lot, trying to get reassurance from strangers (which I have failed to get). Trying to survive. My husband and I fight...he just wants his wife back, and I cannot give him that. He's stressed and angry. I cry a lot, daily, because of my pain and suffering. I cannot tolerate more medication as I am sensitive to everything and there are no effective medications to treat what I have. The ones they give for this to try (usually unsuccessfully) have given me many side effects in the past for other things. Homeopathy, supplements, aren't gonna do it and I can't take them anyway because of my stomach. This isn't going to get better. I have been incredibly suicidal for over 4 months, wanting and needing to be gone and out of this misery, having no hope and only fear. Feeling guilt, begging for help but knowing there's none to be had.

What's keeping me here?....my beautiful, beautiful children. They are wonderful people who did not deserve this. They are suffering from a less than stable home now, seeing me suffer, seeing the fighting that my husband and I now engage in. Their lives have been turned upside down and yet, and yet, they are still overall happy. The whole thing is UNREAL, tragic, unbelievable. We are religious and I have been told that I will go to hell if I commit suicide...by clergy, my husband and others..by the catechism of my faith. My children, who unfortunately, now know that I wanted to go to Switzerland (because it was shared tragically) have told me I will go to hell if I commit suicide.... I am scared that it's true because I know suicide is generally wrong (I'm sorry to offend anyone). I have been told how much my children will be traumatized, affected... and I KNOW that this is true. I would love to hang on for them but the pain and suffering is beyond ANYTHING I ever, ever could have imagined... It's inhumane. It's beyond my capability to endure. It's toxic, chemical torture. It's torment/agony nonstop. I'm being hit in every direction.. physically, neurologically, mentally, emotionally, relationally, spiritually. I beg for God to give me cancer, anything terminal, kill me in a car accident, anything to escape this. If anything, give me a more peaceful, but certain, way out so my kids don't have to know that I die by gunshot (my only option)....since N is not available to me and I cannot consume SN due to my stomach.

I don't know what I am looking for by writing this....I'm scared that someday, it will be found by the ones I love. I'm leaving this site tomorrow afternoon...at least, I will try to. I'm destroying/getting rid of some stuff I bought to possibly suicide....I want to TRY harder for my children, for my God...see if I can endure this for them, improve sone mentally at least, to save them from more suffering, to save my soul. But I am scared, terrified... because again, I have already surpassed the level that I can tolerate, my condition is never likely to get better and maybe worse. I am only mid 40s.

I know in the end, I may hurt my children so badly, beyond anything I ever could have imagined for them, anything they deserve.... because my ability to endure is so weak. They will NEVER forgive me, they will be traumatized more than they are. They will feel shame and abandonment. They will think their mother is in hell and I am afraid they are right.

Please, please, no cruel comments. I don't need to feel worse than I do. I feel so much guilt and shame for getting that infusion which has destroyed so many lives here (I could have went without it, though it was supposed to help me feel better). I feel guilt and shame for who I am now, someone no one knows. I feel more pain, suffering and sorrow than imaginable, trapped and in despair.

 

[living.dead.girl]

I'm not a practitioner, though work in private health.
Is it possible for you to invest in working with a good functional medicine doctor who has experience with genetic expression?

I know nothing about specifics of your situation but it seems like there may have been something underlying that, whatever your infusion was, may have set off a cascade of horrible symptoms. I see cases of this happen for chronic inflammatory response, mast cell disorders, tickborne illness, complex autoimmunity, dysautonomia, and more. If it was purely toxins injected into your body, a specialized practitioner may still be able to help.

For pain relief, therapies like photobiomodulation and/or perineural may be worth checking out, though it's imperative to address the issue from the root cause. You deserve a better quality of life.

 

[suffering_mo_7]

I'm not a practitioner, though work in private health.
Is it possible for you to invest in working with a good functional medicine doctor who has experience with genetic expression?

I know nothing about specifics of your situation but it seems like there may have been something underlying that, whatever your infusion was, may have set off a cascade of horrible symptoms. I see cases of this happen for chronic inflammatory response, mast cell disorders, tickborne illness, complex autoimmunity, dysautonomia, and more. If it was purely toxins injected into your body, a specialized practitioner may still be able to help.

For pain relief, therapies like photobiomodulation and/or perineural may be worth checking out, though it's imperative to address the issue from the root cause. You deserve a better quality of life.

Unfortunately, I know others with some of these things who got worse after Lyme treatment. Perhaps you are right and there was something underlying but it never would have happened without the iron infusion. I knew I was sensitive to supplements, caffeine, msg, medications. I should never have gotten it. I thought maybe it was histamine but when I tried a histamine blocker recently, my skin pain got so much worse for several days.

 

[spentspirit]

You'd be surprised what the body's capacity for healing is. Have you tried meditation and prayer?

 

[living.dead.girl]

Toxins may remain dormant in the body for years. Unfortunately all it takes is an event (trauma, injury, virus, etc.) to cause a 'switch' for those genes to be expressed.
I would also suggest getting a qEEG or something similar, to better understand the way your brain is communicating - picks up on electrical signals and provides insight into neurological function.
If you have heard of Dr. Daniel Amen - that's the kind of approach that can really help. Doesn't have to be his practice, just something with similar resources.

Lyme (and other) treatment can fail if it's not addressing the full picture. We see this coupled often with mast cell, CIRS - things like that. Unfortunately many practitioners tend to treat one condition or the other, though you need the whole picture to fully understand what's really happening.

If you're interested, consider researching the 'cell danger response' - really eye opening and tied into so many forms of 'dis ease'.

 

[smaragdyne]

Thank you for reminding me of something to live for which ironically is my undying hatred and rage toward to the modern medical system. I lost someone, a girlfriend, to suicide because of the ramifications of unforeseen side effects due to a "routine" medical procedure that was completely unnecessary. All this is to say, I'm sympathetic toward your story.

Your commitment to your children is amenable to say the absolute least. But I can't even begin to give advice to you on that issue.

What I can do is share a bit of religious knowledge: suicide was very common in society before the 5th century A.D. It was generally seen as justifiable to commit suicide to avoid suffering or great dishonor. I read somewhere that apparently, early Christians (believing that suicide was a "shortcut" to heaven) were catching the bus so often that the early church was worried they would all die out. So in the 5th century A.D. St. Augustine wrote a book called The City of God and it condemned suicide as a sin.

I encourage you to read about this. It is my firm belief that you would NOT be punished for ending your suffering. I say this with the full understanding that I may be attempting to change your mind about the one thing stopping you from ending your life. But I believe it to be true and I'm compelled to tell you.

I really hope you can find a positive solution to your medical issues. But my optimism in the medical industry died years ago. I really hope God gives you a miracle that you obviously deserve.

 

[suffering_mo_7]

@smaragdyne Thank you for your kindness. I'm an idiot because I went through benzo withdrawal years ago... stayed away from the medical system for years... thought it was mostly psychiatry that was the problem and big pharma, mostly avoided because of my sensitivity issues. Somehow, blindly didn't see an iron infusion as "big pharma"......I was under duress from my stomach issues and not thinking clearly. It's cost me my life and my children's mother.

Regarding early Christian suicide..... weren't they trying to be martyrs in that case, not committing actual suicide? Quite confident this is the case. Catholic saints have written about suicide being unforgivable.... unfortunately, they were not living in a time with so much destruction in the form of chemical/medical harm. TBH, I think that medical and neurotoxic harm produces more severe suffering than anything else, any natural disease.