PinballWizard39
Experienced
- May 3, 2024
- 218
I started self harming (SH) when I was just 13 years old. I didn't know what it was and I'd never heard of it before. I just knew it helped me feel better. My home life and school life was an absolute shit show, and the only thing I had that I could control was the SH. I started off with cutting, small shallow cuts that never needed any treatment. This progressed to anything I could hurt myself with - I'd put lit incense sticks out on my skin, push sewing needles under my skin, took small OD's of painkillers, scraped my hands on walls etc, drink tiny amounts of chemicals to see what might happen. There were many times where I had so many cuts and scrapes on me that only the parts of me visible to people (my face, neck, hands etc) were clean.
Over the years, the cuts became deeper and I began to need steri strips and glue to hold my wounds together. I would also use sandpaper to scrub all my skin off and would need special dressings. I felt like I deserved all the pain in the world. It then progressed to me needing stitches/sutures multiple times a day, I would use chemicals to burn my skin, I even set fire to my hand a few times and I have no idea how I got away with as little scarring as I did from that. I would use candles to heat up metal utensils and then press them into my skin. At this point I didn't care who saw my injuries or scars, and I would even slice away at my neck and face.
I was always fairly careful about where I cut, trying to avoid tendons or arteries/veins etc. However in the past year or two, I have become less concerned and have very nearly cut through my arteries and tendons by accident. It's like when I'm in that headspace, I just don't care anymore. About 2/3 months ago, I burnt myself on my arm with some chemicals and I ended up with third degree burns and necrosis. I didn't even think it was that bad shockingly! That healed but then about 3 weeks ago, I used the same method on my leg and now I have third degree burns and necrosis on there. I currently have to put up with the smell of my own rotting flesh, it's disgusting. I am nearly 40 now and I never imagined that I would still be SH at my age or that it would have progressed to what it has. I am terrified now every time the urge hits. Whilst I don't do it as often anymore, the severity is pretty bad. I worry that I will unintentionally go too far and lose a limb or even my life.
All of this doesn't include all the suicidal actions/attempts that I made over the years.
I'm just writing this for people who have perhaps only just started harming themselves or are thinking about it. Please re-think it, I have thousands of scars that will never go away. They are a constant reminder of all the shit. I thought I had made peace with my scars and had accepted them, that was until I now have these ugly burn scars to try and accept. I sometimes joke that no-one would ever want to be with me as I look like the bride of Frankenstein. I try to laugh it off because I don't know how else to cope with it. If anyone wants to talk about anything SH related, feel free to PM me.
Over the years, the cuts became deeper and I began to need steri strips and glue to hold my wounds together. I would also use sandpaper to scrub all my skin off and would need special dressings. I felt like I deserved all the pain in the world. It then progressed to me needing stitches/sutures multiple times a day, I would use chemicals to burn my skin, I even set fire to my hand a few times and I have no idea how I got away with as little scarring as I did from that. I would use candles to heat up metal utensils and then press them into my skin. At this point I didn't care who saw my injuries or scars, and I would even slice away at my neck and face.
I was always fairly careful about where I cut, trying to avoid tendons or arteries/veins etc. However in the past year or two, I have become less concerned and have very nearly cut through my arteries and tendons by accident. It's like when I'm in that headspace, I just don't care anymore. About 2/3 months ago, I burnt myself on my arm with some chemicals and I ended up with third degree burns and necrosis. I didn't even think it was that bad shockingly! That healed but then about 3 weeks ago, I used the same method on my leg and now I have third degree burns and necrosis on there. I currently have to put up with the smell of my own rotting flesh, it's disgusting. I am nearly 40 now and I never imagined that I would still be SH at my age or that it would have progressed to what it has. I am terrified now every time the urge hits. Whilst I don't do it as often anymore, the severity is pretty bad. I worry that I will unintentionally go too far and lose a limb or even my life.
All of this doesn't include all the suicidal actions/attempts that I made over the years.
I'm just writing this for people who have perhaps only just started harming themselves or are thinking about it. Please re-think it, I have thousands of scars that will never go away. They are a constant reminder of all the shit. I thought I had made peace with my scars and had accepted them, that was until I now have these ugly burn scars to try and accept. I sometimes joke that no-one would ever want to be with me as I look like the bride of Frankenstein. I try to laugh it off because I don't know how else to cope with it. If anyone wants to talk about anything SH related, feel free to PM me.
