Venting Trauma dumping

[sweetsweetsuicide]

I spent a while writing this all down in my notes. I wanted to share it here


When I was a child, my mum often made me stay at her friend's house. I always hated going there, but it was the only escape I had from being physically abused.

He had many of his friend's children over, but he always seemed to treat me weirdly. He was overly kind to me, was very touchy and often took me out to places/wanted to buy me things. He made me feel like I was his special favourite.

He made a lot of sexual jokes around me, which I didn't understand most of the time. He also made comments about my body, and made jokes about marrying me once I turned 18. (I was around 10 at the time!!)

He was VERY touchy. He constantly made me give him kisses, hugs and making me sit on his lap. He also often got me naked so that he could massage me. He always moved his hand really close to my private areas when he did.
At night, he would often leave his room to go into my bed. He always rubbed me, and slid his hand down my shirt. He would never leave no matter how much I begged.

I can remember once when he had other children over, he made us all have a bath together as he watched. He put some scented thing up and lit some candles as if it was romantic.

I know that he also constantly took pictures of me. He even had one of me in nothing but my underwear.

Despite no longer being in that situation, I still feel like a lot of my behavior is caused by him.

- I panic whenever I see his name or anyone that looks like him

- I've always felt uneasy with people getting close/affectionate with me. I used to distance myself whenever someone got too emotionally close with me.

- I'm extremely scared of being touched, unless it's with someone I know really well and it's on my terms.

- I hide away from sexual topics, because I feel uneasy/weird around them. I really want to be able to experience intimate things though, and enjoy it the way others do. I've recently been trying to get myself more comfortable around those topics.

This all happened a very long time ago, when I was around 8 years old. These are only things I've begun to remember recently, and I'm absolutely terrified that there was something even worse that he has done to me.

 

[58Alice85]

I hate how things from my childhood still mess with my head today.
My parents were loveless narcissists with a burning hatred for me and tried to destroy me both mentally and physically.
I ended up becoming a crossdresser, i only really feel emotionally safe around men, even if not all women are evil, because of the abuse of my mother.
In my nightmares i still see the face of my mother screaming, the most hideous face in the world.

 

[unluckysadness]

It makes me so sad and angry every time I read stories about sexual abuses in childhood. Did you make a complaint against this man ?
I'm scared of being touched too, that's why I'm still virgin. I may have been abused while I was asleep when I was in a boarding school between 10 and 15 yo. I'm not sure about sexual abuse because of traumatic amnesia, but it could explain a lot of bad things in my miserable "life".
I hope we will all find relief and peace

 

[sweetsweetsuicide]

It makes me so sad and angry every time I read stories about sexual abuses in childhood. Did you make a complaint against this man ?
I'm scared of being touched too, that's why I'm still virgin. I may have been abused while I was asleep when I was in a boarding school between 10 and 15 yo. I'm not sure about sexual abuse because of traumatic amnesia, but it could explain a lot of bad things in my miserable "life".
I hope we will all find relief and peace

I haven't made any complaints or told anyone . I'm scared of what will happen if I do. And I'm so sorry that you went through that, you didn't deserve for something so terrible to happen to you and I too, hope you and everyone will find peace

 

[Michelstaedter]

It must be horrible to live through that, I imagine. An adult abusing a child is the lowest thing imaginable. Sexuality itself has become disgusting, with pornography, prostitution (worse still in its marriage-as-commodity form), and so many other things that have made something I once thought could be wonderful, something awful, unpleasant, and dirty.
I suppose what you're saying is a pattern that happens to many people, especially women. They're abused, and that makes any (non-sexual) approach uncomfortable. Ironically, when I finally kissed or hugged a girl I liked, I felt very happy, but if someone, even a family member, hugs me, I feel strange, uncomfortable. It must be worse in your case.

 

[Cosmophobic]

I haven't made any complaints or told anyone . I'm scared of what will happen if I do. And I'm so sorry that you went through that, you didn't deserve for something so terrible to happen to you and I too, hope you and everyone will find peace

It's not your responsibility to make a complaint and you shouldn't feel pressured to do so. That said this looks like a clear cut case of child sexual abuse. Again, not your responsibility, but I think the person that did this belongs behind bars -- just in case you're scared of what might happen to them.

 

[TheEmptyVoid]

It must be horrible to live through that, I imagine. An adult abusing a child is the lowest thing imaginable. Sexuality itself has become disgusting, with pornography, prostitution (worse still in its marriage-as-commodity form), and so many other things that have made something I once thought could be wonderful, something awful, unpleasant, and dirty.
I suppose what you're saying is a pattern that happens to many people, especially women. They're abused, and that makes any (non-sexual) approach uncomfortable. Ironically, when I finally kissed or hugged a girl I liked, I felt very happy, but if someone, even a family member, hugs me, I feel strange, uncomfortable. It must be worse in your case.

Same

Ironically, when I finally kissed or hugged a girl I liked, I felt very happy, but if someone, even a family member, hugs me, I feel strange, uncomfortable. It must be worse in your case.

Yeah the same goes for me, unless you hit the ignore button on me for no fucking reason like every one else does.