lucid
antinatalist specialist
- Jun 29, 2019
- 177
you can skip reading what's in the spoiler if you want its not important, just stupid shit from me to no surprise. or the thread entirely. i was joking with that last part.
besides worries that have no meaning yet again feeling like i am constantly fucking trapped when my happiness inevitably comes to a collapse and realise once again everything is shit and i'd love nothing more than to stop existing. who would have guessed?
i've been thinking more and more about the day i really decide to finally do it and i'm realising i'm more terrified of death than i thought. i know i want to die for certain and i know how, maybe not how or when i'll obtain it for now, but the constant looming thought of "what could be after" or "what if there's absolutely nothing after" is always there even potentially years before i decide to do it. i was thinking for some time that maybe having someone else there who also has the same plans would be more comforting but the more i plan it out in my head i think it would make me even more anxious as it adds more uncertainty to the situation.
on the particular topic of thinking about it and relating more to the thread title i really am trapped inside my head constantly. last night i was so discouraged by how depressing the day was compared to the day before, and i just had to mention it because i even predicted that's exactly how it'd turn out. it really says a lot when you can just start doing that. but anyway it led into how i still don't have a job and that even when i had something to do just going there to do it made me feel even worse somehow. not that it's because i wasn't getting paid it's just emotionally distressing regularly going to a place forcing yourself to socially interact with the people there, or in the end needing to work at all just to earn money just to know you're going to die anyway. in the long term work is pointless. but amidst this general average complaining i occasionally do i made the point very bluntly i don't want to exist anyway. to explain in short i wasn't planned, i was a mistake, but i was given life anyway, which is something i will never forgive. and despite this statement it was ignored, and i was just given generic advice such as "if you have something to do you'll feel better" despite me stating that no, this doesn't help, even if i were paid i would hate every second of it. but i guess friends are always right and i'm just bullshitting my own genuine thoughts and feelings.
this brings me into the real fun part of it where i would love nothing more than to cut a lot of people off, if not all. i feel my emotions get the better of me when i'm with them and when they're around, but it's those same emotions stopping me from cutting them off. when i have it's always ended up with me trying to reconnect with them again and it just becomes an endless cycle. my parents are probably the worst part of it, not only because they're the strongest emotional and beneficial connection i have but because i've had many episodes now where i completely lost it and either tried to do something or spoke my mind completely freely and every time it has went nearly unnnoticed. there was some time before where they recommended i do some form of therapy but i tried it for some time and it did absolutely fuck all, which aided in my belief therapy is rather pointless unless you like paying strangers to tell you whatever any other stranger could tell you for free. i recently very straightforwardly said to my stepfather that i want to die. i wasn't under the influence which i had been a past time, i was completely sober and i was completely ignored. the exact reason for this is because he wants to keep my mother happy, which as bitter as it sounds is just completely selfish. i only know that because during a past episode where i had been drinking i wrote my thoughts and feelings down on paper and put it in very clear view of everyone which i later found missing and so i asked him about it and he gave that response. it's not like i like liking people but that just made me lose a lot of respect for him. part of me also takes my mother into consideration but to hide a genuine cry for help i just can't fucking take that. and then after that time when i had also been drinking i just sat there saying everything to him and how i had the urge many times and even was going to jump from the window where we lived or a bridge nearby just completely shrugged off again. i don't know how long i spent crying that day but i know my eyes were fucking sore.
abruptly switching back to the working/doing something topic i know what i would like to do not particularly for the sake of doing something but more a passion which is music. my only roadblock there is anything i find takes genuine effort i can never push myself towards. i'm constantly discouraged that whatever i'm trying to make sounds like complete shit and i should just give up and stop trying. it's so reoccurring that i only spend about 5 minutes before i start realising i'm that fucking worthless i can't even contribute to the thing i'm actually passionate about to even make myself happier. i know that even life itself is worthless at this point but i can't help think at those points my existence really contributes absolutely fucking nothing.
last thing i want to get off my mind is said mind constantly screaming romantic feelings at me for every single person i find interesting. i'm not aromantic by any means, and in the right context i would be happy to be in a relationship and feel less alone than i already do. but i always get these fucking feelings screaming in the back of my head when like my ex even so much as talks to me for example. or more notably i keep having dreams about being in situations with an old friend from school years back for absolutely no reason they just started happening one day and won't leave me alone, showing up when i least expect it. the only thing i have to show for what real worth i have is that people are attracted to me. i go as far as to put my body out there for some i know to see just so i feel like i am really worth, even if i do want that it's the only real gratification i feel at this point. there hasn't been anything romantic between those people though, which i somewhat intend to stay that way. my real problem with relationships is i want to be with somebody who won't try to play hero when i decide i want to die and will respect my wishes, or potentially even feels the same. not that i'm seeking out other people because they want to die, i just want to not be alone in the time i'm within this pitiful existence and be with someone who at least understands. but of course that's not very hard to find as most people are pro-life and try to just support you when you're upset and even speak your honest mind, and especially when you try to take action on even so much as you just hurting yourself for gratification. i don't know how many nights i have cried myself to sleep cuddling with what plushes i have in place of a person who can actually comfort me.
that's probably about everything i wanted to say for the last couple months now in one post and with enough dsbm playing in the background to put me in the mood to actually fucking write something for once, even if it goes unnoticed. or not really i'd appreciate something just so i know i'm not screaming into a black hole like i've constantly been doing lately. edit after just typing this no that was not everything, i really really love forgetting. also yet another issue i am plagued with. but thanks if you actually took the time to read, not like any of my friends would at this point.
i just want to get it out of the way that every time i come to this site no matter how comforting i find it, it immediately dissipates whenever i decide i want to type anything. i try saying something in the chat but quickly realise im not as social here and always feel awkward. i try going to write a post and then come to the realisation i can never summarise what i want to talk about coherently it always ends up all over the place and i don't feel i achieved even the slightest of what i wanted to write about. and then the realisation that it'll probably be buried along with everyone else who has problems, maybe never even having a response at all, that's a pathetic concern to have on a site dedicated to this but whatever. oh and the feeling of insignificance, that's not a me thing but just a site thing. i'm not complaining about it since a few have interacted with me a couple times and they're genuinely nice, it's just an inevitable thing anywhere certain people stand out more than others and that's cool for them i guess
besides worries that have no meaning yet again feeling like i am constantly fucking trapped when my happiness inevitably comes to a collapse and realise once again everything is shit and i'd love nothing more than to stop existing. who would have guessed?
i've been thinking more and more about the day i really decide to finally do it and i'm realising i'm more terrified of death than i thought. i know i want to die for certain and i know how, maybe not how or when i'll obtain it for now, but the constant looming thought of "what could be after" or "what if there's absolutely nothing after" is always there even potentially years before i decide to do it. i was thinking for some time that maybe having someone else there who also has the same plans would be more comforting but the more i plan it out in my head i think it would make me even more anxious as it adds more uncertainty to the situation.
on the particular topic of thinking about it and relating more to the thread title i really am trapped inside my head constantly. last night i was so discouraged by how depressing the day was compared to the day before, and i just had to mention it because i even predicted that's exactly how it'd turn out. it really says a lot when you can just start doing that. but anyway it led into how i still don't have a job and that even when i had something to do just going there to do it made me feel even worse somehow. not that it's because i wasn't getting paid it's just emotionally distressing regularly going to a place forcing yourself to socially interact with the people there, or in the end needing to work at all just to earn money just to know you're going to die anyway. in the long term work is pointless. but amidst this general average complaining i occasionally do i made the point very bluntly i don't want to exist anyway. to explain in short i wasn't planned, i was a mistake, but i was given life anyway, which is something i will never forgive. and despite this statement it was ignored, and i was just given generic advice such as "if you have something to do you'll feel better" despite me stating that no, this doesn't help, even if i were paid i would hate every second of it. but i guess friends are always right and i'm just bullshitting my own genuine thoughts and feelings.
this brings me into the real fun part of it where i would love nothing more than to cut a lot of people off, if not all. i feel my emotions get the better of me when i'm with them and when they're around, but it's those same emotions stopping me from cutting them off. when i have it's always ended up with me trying to reconnect with them again and it just becomes an endless cycle. my parents are probably the worst part of it, not only because they're the strongest emotional and beneficial connection i have but because i've had many episodes now where i completely lost it and either tried to do something or spoke my mind completely freely and every time it has went nearly unnnoticed. there was some time before where they recommended i do some form of therapy but i tried it for some time and it did absolutely fuck all, which aided in my belief therapy is rather pointless unless you like paying strangers to tell you whatever any other stranger could tell you for free. i recently very straightforwardly said to my stepfather that i want to die. i wasn't under the influence which i had been a past time, i was completely sober and i was completely ignored. the exact reason for this is because he wants to keep my mother happy, which as bitter as it sounds is just completely selfish. i only know that because during a past episode where i had been drinking i wrote my thoughts and feelings down on paper and put it in very clear view of everyone which i later found missing and so i asked him about it and he gave that response. it's not like i like liking people but that just made me lose a lot of respect for him. part of me also takes my mother into consideration but to hide a genuine cry for help i just can't fucking take that. and then after that time when i had also been drinking i just sat there saying everything to him and how i had the urge many times and even was going to jump from the window where we lived or a bridge nearby just completely shrugged off again. i don't know how long i spent crying that day but i know my eyes were fucking sore.
abruptly switching back to the working/doing something topic i know what i would like to do not particularly for the sake of doing something but more a passion which is music. my only roadblock there is anything i find takes genuine effort i can never push myself towards. i'm constantly discouraged that whatever i'm trying to make sounds like complete shit and i should just give up and stop trying. it's so reoccurring that i only spend about 5 minutes before i start realising i'm that fucking worthless i can't even contribute to the thing i'm actually passionate about to even make myself happier. i know that even life itself is worthless at this point but i can't help think at those points my existence really contributes absolutely fucking nothing.
last thing i want to get off my mind is said mind constantly screaming romantic feelings at me for every single person i find interesting. i'm not aromantic by any means, and in the right context i would be happy to be in a relationship and feel less alone than i already do. but i always get these fucking feelings screaming in the back of my head when like my ex even so much as talks to me for example. or more notably i keep having dreams about being in situations with an old friend from school years back for absolutely no reason they just started happening one day and won't leave me alone, showing up when i least expect it. the only thing i have to show for what real worth i have is that people are attracted to me. i go as far as to put my body out there for some i know to see just so i feel like i am really worth, even if i do want that it's the only real gratification i feel at this point. there hasn't been anything romantic between those people though, which i somewhat intend to stay that way. my real problem with relationships is i want to be with somebody who won't try to play hero when i decide i want to die and will respect my wishes, or potentially even feels the same. not that i'm seeking out other people because they want to die, i just want to not be alone in the time i'm within this pitiful existence and be with someone who at least understands. but of course that's not very hard to find as most people are pro-life and try to just support you when you're upset and even speak your honest mind, and especially when you try to take action on even so much as you just hurting yourself for gratification. i don't know how many nights i have cried myself to sleep cuddling with what plushes i have in place of a person who can actually comfort me.
that's probably about everything i wanted to say for the last couple months now in one post and with enough dsbm playing in the background to put me in the mood to actually fucking write something for once, even if it goes unnoticed. or not really i'd appreciate something just so i know i'm not screaming into a black hole like i've constantly been doing lately. edit after just typing this no that was not everything, i really really love forgetting. also yet another issue i am plagued with. but thanks if you actually took the time to read, not like any of my friends would at this point.
