It would appear I'm destined to suffer for decades. I can't seem to kill myself. I've been suicidal on and off for 23 years. I've tried many methods. Obviously all have failed.
I could try jumping off beachy head cliffs again, but chances are I'll never overcome my fear of landing at the bottom, alive, brutally disfigured, suffering for hours or days until I'm found and rescued, only to live a life of even worse misery. I could try ordering heroin on the dark net but it's a lot of money and chances are I'll be scammed. The only other option is SN but it's not a pleasant way to go.
But even given those not so ideal options, I don't think I can try again just yet. I don't think I can do it to my gf. She doesn't have many people in her life, I don't know what my suicide would do to her. Besides, if she found out I tried and I failed, she'd be absolutely furious with me. Chances are she might dump me. Then there's the possibility of being sectioned. Not great. Maybe I'll try later in life once either my gf has died or we're just no longer together.
So for various reasons it seems like I'm stuck here to suffer. I had my first thought of wanting to die when I was just 6. My first attempt was when I was 19. I'm 41 now. So I probably have to face another 45 years of misery. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Every minute of every day. I wish I didn't exist. Life is so empty. So frustrating. I don't work, have no friends, I just waste away mostly. On good days I'm able to do programming but mostly I just watch TV which I can't even concentrate on. I get £15 from the government per day to survive on. It has to cover everything. It's hard to save up for anything. And my benefits will get stopped if I save over £5k! It's so incredibly limiting. It's disgusting what they make people go through.
Chances are it'll be 50 years before they bring in euthanasia and when they do I bet it'll only be for the terminally ill. I hate our government.
I wish I could die in my sleep. But chances of that happening in the next few nears is virtually nil. I wish I could develop some sort of kind terminal illness that kills you peacefully. But I doubt it. Few such illnesses exist. There clearly is no god. No super intelligent, all powerful being would create sentience and so much suffering. There is no god. No god could be so evil. Most deaths are awful. What's sick is our governments expect us to just put up with suffering through life, then have in all likelihood a god awful death. They are short sighted calous arrogant twisted delusional bastards. Unfortunately they know that if one day they're faced with such suffering they can just go to Switzerland and get euthanized. Or maybe they're delusional and think that the medical community will solve all their problems. Then again they are all rich bastards on private medical insurance so they can afford the best care. But they're still delusional.
I see no positive value in life. I see suffering as having a much greater weight than positive times. Its hard to make up for suffering with positive times, because the effect of suffering lingers, and there is always the fear of future suffering. Its difficult for good times to make up for this. Also, good times are never as intensely good as the bad times. Bad times can be unbearable. But there's no positive equivalent of unbearable. And it's rare that we're ever absolutely extatic, yet unbearable suffering is common. Besides, suffering is more common than good times. Even if it wasn't, chances are suffering would still outweigh good times. So that's why I attach a negative worth to life. But the powers that be don't accept this viewpoint. They won't remotely entertain any concept that entails we should be entitled to euthanasia. But I want nothing more than to die.
I'm done with life. I've experienced all the best things. I've had sex. I've felt what it's like to be successful in something. I've experienced the greatest possible euphoria with MDMA. And the only thing left for me is sex which I'm no longer particularly interesting. I've grown up. The excitement of youth has faded. Nothing really excites me anymore. Now I'm just faced with tedium and struggles. And life is only going to get worse as people around me die and my body falls apart and my mind deteriorates.
Some asshole told me yesterday I'm not taking responsibility for myself. Well what can I do? I have debilitating social anxiety, depression, autism and ADHD and have sought help for 27 years and its clear no amount of drugs or therapy can help me. I can't just change my nature, my programming, any more than you can expect an email app to become sentient and keep you company, or expect your dog to mow your garden or read a newspaper. I'm just a hopeless, broken individual incapable of working, making friends, or enjoying life. What can I do???
I'm open to ideas, but I'm not expecting anything new. Exercise does nothing for me. I find interacting with people draining and stressful. Yoga and mindfulness are BS. I don't enjoy anything. Everything just seems like hard work. Sometimes I get some enjoyment out of programming but only in spurts, that too eventually overwhelms me. Besides, I never achieve anything significant. I'm a useless piece if shit. I'm basically incapable of making money with it. I'm sick of being a useless retarded loser piece of shit. I haven't had a friend in 13 years since my last psychotic episode and they were just online anyway, my last IRL friend was 20 years ago. I'm sick of being lonely and having no one I can talk to, no-one I can rely on for anything, no-one to emotionally or otherwise support me. Government and charities and other services just let me rot. They have no answers and can't provide services to help me with anything. I've tried and it's dead end after dead end.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I've explored every option available to me and just drawn blanks. I'm just gonna spend the next 45 years feeling miserable, depressed, anxious, angry, restless, watching shitty TV wasting away until my health takes a turn for the worst and I begin suffering immeasurably until I eventually die, all on my own with no-one giving the slightest shit throughout the entire duration.
I'm not creative. I'm not productive. I'm effectively incredibly lazy and lack any drive. Mainly because I've tried, and failed at everything. Doing anything is hard work and I just achieve sod all. I don't see much positive in anything. I don't see any options. I don't see any hope. I don't know what I can do besides just sit in my hole I've dug for myself and suffer. I'm so sick of life.
Any thoughts or advice are welcome. I'm stuck in limbo every day just wanting to die. I'm not good for anything. I wish when a person gives up they just cease to exist. But no, they suffer for decades and decades.
I could try jumping off beachy head cliffs again, but chances are I'll never overcome my fear of landing at the bottom, alive, brutally disfigured, suffering for hours or days until I'm found and rescued, only to live a life of even worse misery. I could try ordering heroin on the dark net but it's a lot of money and chances are I'll be scammed. The only other option is SN but it's not a pleasant way to go.
But even given those not so ideal options, I don't think I can try again just yet. I don't think I can do it to my gf. She doesn't have many people in her life, I don't know what my suicide would do to her. Besides, if she found out I tried and I failed, she'd be absolutely furious with me. Chances are she might dump me. Then there's the possibility of being sectioned. Not great. Maybe I'll try later in life once either my gf has died or we're just no longer together.
So for various reasons it seems like I'm stuck here to suffer. I had my first thought of wanting to die when I was just 6. My first attempt was when I was 19. I'm 41 now. So I probably have to face another 45 years of misery. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Every minute of every day. I wish I didn't exist. Life is so empty. So frustrating. I don't work, have no friends, I just waste away mostly. On good days I'm able to do programming but mostly I just watch TV which I can't even concentrate on. I get £15 from the government per day to survive on. It has to cover everything. It's hard to save up for anything. And my benefits will get stopped if I save over £5k! It's so incredibly limiting. It's disgusting what they make people go through.
Chances are it'll be 50 years before they bring in euthanasia and when they do I bet it'll only be for the terminally ill. I hate our government.
I wish I could die in my sleep. But chances of that happening in the next few nears is virtually nil. I wish I could develop some sort of kind terminal illness that kills you peacefully. But I doubt it. Few such illnesses exist. There clearly is no god. No super intelligent, all powerful being would create sentience and so much suffering. There is no god. No god could be so evil. Most deaths are awful. What's sick is our governments expect us to just put up with suffering through life, then have in all likelihood a god awful death. They are short sighted calous arrogant twisted delusional bastards. Unfortunately they know that if one day they're faced with such suffering they can just go to Switzerland and get euthanized. Or maybe they're delusional and think that the medical community will solve all their problems. Then again they are all rich bastards on private medical insurance so they can afford the best care. But they're still delusional.
I see no positive value in life. I see suffering as having a much greater weight than positive times. Its hard to make up for suffering with positive times, because the effect of suffering lingers, and there is always the fear of future suffering. Its difficult for good times to make up for this. Also, good times are never as intensely good as the bad times. Bad times can be unbearable. But there's no positive equivalent of unbearable. And it's rare that we're ever absolutely extatic, yet unbearable suffering is common. Besides, suffering is more common than good times. Even if it wasn't, chances are suffering would still outweigh good times. So that's why I attach a negative worth to life. But the powers that be don't accept this viewpoint. They won't remotely entertain any concept that entails we should be entitled to euthanasia. But I want nothing more than to die.
I'm done with life. I've experienced all the best things. I've had sex. I've felt what it's like to be successful in something. I've experienced the greatest possible euphoria with MDMA. And the only thing left for me is sex which I'm no longer particularly interesting. I've grown up. The excitement of youth has faded. Nothing really excites me anymore. Now I'm just faced with tedium and struggles. And life is only going to get worse as people around me die and my body falls apart and my mind deteriorates.
Some asshole told me yesterday I'm not taking responsibility for myself. Well what can I do? I have debilitating social anxiety, depression, autism and ADHD and have sought help for 27 years and its clear no amount of drugs or therapy can help me. I can't just change my nature, my programming, any more than you can expect an email app to become sentient and keep you company, or expect your dog to mow your garden or read a newspaper. I'm just a hopeless, broken individual incapable of working, making friends, or enjoying life. What can I do???
I'm open to ideas, but I'm not expecting anything new. Exercise does nothing for me. I find interacting with people draining and stressful. Yoga and mindfulness are BS. I don't enjoy anything. Everything just seems like hard work. Sometimes I get some enjoyment out of programming but only in spurts, that too eventually overwhelms me. Besides, I never achieve anything significant. I'm a useless piece if shit. I'm basically incapable of making money with it. I'm sick of being a useless retarded loser piece of shit. I haven't had a friend in 13 years since my last psychotic episode and they were just online anyway, my last IRL friend was 20 years ago. I'm sick of being lonely and having no one I can talk to, no-one I can rely on for anything, no-one to emotionally or otherwise support me. Government and charities and other services just let me rot. They have no answers and can't provide services to help me with anything. I've tried and it's dead end after dead end.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I've explored every option available to me and just drawn blanks. I'm just gonna spend the next 45 years feeling miserable, depressed, anxious, angry, restless, watching shitty TV wasting away until my health takes a turn for the worst and I begin suffering immeasurably until I eventually die, all on my own with no-one giving the slightest shit throughout the entire duration.
I'm not creative. I'm not productive. I'm effectively incredibly lazy and lack any drive. Mainly because I've tried, and failed at everything. Doing anything is hard work and I just achieve sod all. I don't see much positive in anything. I don't see any options. I don't see any hope. I don't know what I can do besides just sit in my hole I've dug for myself and suffer. I'm so sick of life.
Any thoughts or advice are welcome. I'm stuck in limbo every day just wanting to die. I'm not good for anything. I wish when a person gives up they just cease to exist. But no, they suffer for decades and decades.
