Trapped between the desire to die and the instinct to live

[per_aspera_ad_astra]

So I've been feeling pretty suicidal lately. I've been looking into sourcing some tools just in case I hit a breaking point. Of course, it's hard not to imagine what being in those final moments after using those tools would be like-it's practically been on loop in my brain. I've wanted to die for a long time, and my doctors and therapists all pretty much admitted that I would never really get away from depression, so the one hope I have in life at the moment is suicide. I mean, if I was never given control over my own existence, then I at least would like control over my own death.

There's just one problem: the damn survival instinct. Even in my darkest moments and my past suicide attempts, that shitty instinct has haunted me. I know cognitively that death is best for me, but my body seems to think otherwise. I guess I'm not truly in control of myself after all.

I suppose it makes some sense. We naturally fear the unknown due to the way our perceptions work, and death is something that is inherently outside the understanding of the living. We have to mentally change death into something that can be equated to an experience felt while alive, and living is all I've experienced. So my mind grasps out to the what-ifs, constantly reaching for something to affirm the "value of life".

Any tips on how to deal with this conundrum?

 

[jodes2]

Give it time, the longer you're suicidal the more likely you are to dismiss fears. I'm stuck between life and death too, feel compelled to stick around for family and gf but all I want is to be gone

 

[Euthanza]

If you believe in Flying Spaghetti Monster (the only Monster deserves capital letter), you'll be saved by His Noodly Appendage, you'll get free beers and strippers all for nothing

 

[Everlong]

It's not bad enough yet for you. Like a dog staring at his bone in a torrential downpour. Eventually the wanting becomes stronger than the fear and discomfort. Think of the satisfaction that dog has when the marrow is finally in his mouth.
There's a feeling about this I've never had and I've been suicidal for 30 years. I don't fear it at all anymore. Not just a comfort anymore. It is my mission and yes, that bastard (SI) is strong. But get there and his true size becomes reality. The will to live is in the same mind as the one that craves death. One's automatic, the other is a desire. How bad do I want it? It's now automatic…

 

[thedaywillcome]

My hope is gone, so my SI got much weaker.

 

[ojinzo]

I think if you have the will to continue on living, do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

Maybe many people who left got desperate to leave or for others it was a feeling that the time was right to leave this world. I think that having a reliable method plan that the person feels confident in can help overcome the SI. But of course I don't really know as I'm still here.

If I had N I doubt I would have much problems to ctb, but with more limited access to methods ctb can be much more difficult. I don't actually fear death at all, as I believe there to be peaceful nonexistence after this just like how before we were born where time passed and yet we were not aware of anything. The thought of death is certainly comforting.

 

[Hope:-)]

Honestly, once it was time to check into the hotel, I felt like I was getting the death penalty. People who do it without Xanax or something must have one hell of a high pain threshold because my life on paper is s@@t and I still couldn't do it. Getting some benzos for sure...

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

The gap between not wanting to exist and ending things is immense… If you have absolutely no desire to do anything why bother ending things? The building has to be on fire…

 

[chica problemática]

Puedo comprender como te sentía, es difícil todo el enigma de sentirte entre la vida y la muerte y así me pasa a mi, por problemas familiares y demás, pero al igual que vos, también tuve muchos intentos de suicidio fracasados, por el miedo quizás, pero siempre cuando lo hago, fallo y creo que aun no es mi momento. Si te pasa al igual que a mi es porque la vida nos da oportunidades nuevamente. Creo que hay que mirar el lado positivo de seguir adelante a pesar de lo difícil que pueda parecer el momento que se está pasando, porque tarde o temprano todo va a mejorar.