To the other trans folks here. Do you feel suicidal ideation goes hand in hand with feeling aligned with your gender assigned at birth?
Hi! AFAB here, I identify as enby (non binary) with gender expression tending to male. I realized I'm trans about 5 years ago, so its been a while dealing with that. I cannot say that it is not a matter affecting my desire to CTB, but I can say it is not my major motive.
For me, the most opressing factor is financial struggles and poor quality of life, aligned with chronic depression, PTSD, borderline disorder, ADHD... In my country, it is really hard to get a decent job that do not drain you and be able to even afford living alone. Rent is not cheap, food gets more and more expensive year after year, and with an average callcenter job (what you can get w/o an degree) you can barely afford share rent/bills and eat, so you can imagine there is not much pleasure and joy in day-to-day living. In top of that, I get the struggles of being misgendered constantly, of body disphoria, and the health struggles to HT...
To me it seems a fraction that makes the water filling up the "cup", you know? But yes, sometimes when im really struggling w misgenders or my body image, it can trully seems that it is the main factor.
I keep feeling both at the same time and really don't feel them separately any more. Is this internalized transphobia? Am I not trans? I get people saying "cis people don't have gender doubt" but what if cis people DO have gender doubt and I'm one of them? Very frustrated.
Contrary to what it may look, it is not a "clear line". You can be trans and still identify with your birth assigned gender in some parts. You can even be non binary, or gender fluid. I would encourage you to take a look about some of these trans spectrums, may clarify some of it! And some of what you are saying kinda sounds to me more like some confusion about what people view as gender than saying you are trans or cis. Some views of what is trans is confusing, and do not represent reality at all. Trans bodies have many shapes and colors:
A trans guy can be feminine, can be a femboy or even keep using dresses.
A trans girl can be masculine, have a beard, muscles, etc.
Trans is more about what do you feel you see yourself as, internally. Do you already use different pronouns from what you were designed? Have you tried? To me, my "clarity moment" was a few years ago when a trans friend offered to treat me w neutral pronouns (they/them for example) when I first expressed doubts about being cis. The experience gave me that "gender euphoria" and I felt I could be more "me" for the first time.
I want to not be suicidal. I want to enjoy life like I do when I'm feeling aligned with my trans gender identity.
Im really sorry about that, and I would like to say its gonna be easy, but being trans is really hard... But step by step, getting to know you better, and knowing what makes you confortable, can make you slowly progress to having more good days. Just try not to be too hard on yourself, remember you dont need to fit in a "gender box". Its way more flexible than it seems.
Hope this can help a bit.
I really hope you find the way to be your true "you" someday.
