Trans people considering CTB for fear of future?

[bythefire12]

I am trans. My main driver in thinking about CTBing lately has been a sense that there is no safe future for people like me. I'm in the US, and the rhetoric has gotten truly terrifying, along with hundreds of bills attempting to be passed in 2023 alone that bar some aspect of trans life. Not trying to start a debate about them (I do not think every bill is equally bad, it's more about the pattern and direction). But I think the scale of them will increase given the goals of people with influence on our politicians that include eliminating transgender ideology from the country (which, frankly, I don't think would involve them letting us gracefully step back into the closet).


It seems like the country as a whole is inevitably moving toward the far right (I am not against conservatives, just against a violent society toward people like me), and I could see the rhetoric moving into violent action as soon as 2024 depending on how things go in the election(s).


Are other trans people in this boat? Honestly if I felt like my future was safe from violence by others due to being trans I'd consider CTBing way, way less. But I have no hope for the political future, and my mindset is it's better to go by my own hand than potentially by people who will make the experience of death much worse than I would. If there are informed people who disagree I'm certainly happy to hear it. But I don't feel like I can ask this in trans spaces where it's people talking about genocide constantly, or in non trans spaces where I just seem alarmist.

 

[Sulyya]

This may be the perfect space, hoping you find something helpful here, in this thread and in general. I don't have enough personal perspective on the issue to help in any specific way.

From an outside perspective I see both sides rising together - acceptance and opposition. Depending on where you are. I'm in Canada though, but online and seeing companies etc embracing that acceptance, I hope you can find somewhere that isn't damaging to you. Even many of 'the opposition' as I put it here, is sort of wanting the best for you, even if it's in their own, possibly ignorant and counteractive way. Maybe that's ignorant to say too though.

 

[Toy]

I am also a trans person considering CTB and this is one of the main reasons, I am in a different country but seeing the large rise of hate towards our community, especially with what's going on in the USA right now, also has me very afraid for my future as well. I very much hope for us to be safe in the future. With the rise of hate and talk about genocide everywhere, including in my country, the outcome for the future scares me.

 

[HopelessAngel]

Opposition definitely seems louder, more organized, and more successful in recent years compared to say ten years ago, but I wouldn't say it's a driving factor behind my decision to CTB, though. It definitely adds an "eh, might as well, it's not like the world wants me here anyways" aspect to my decision though.

I never wanted this. Never wanted to be the subject of debate. Just wanted a normal life and it's become apparent over the years I can't ever have that. For me I feel like society could be 100% accepting and I'd still want to CTB. That's life, I guess.

 

[Remeer]

Hello, I don't understand that about trans culture or gender, for me the issue is very simple, man or woman and their preferences are something else, and if you could explain it to me from your point of view it would be great
What I don't like about that are the surgical operations that certain people apply, what is the point of destroying the body? In the same way, the use of hormones that in the long run will generate chronic diseases, according to me are unnecessary and extremely dangerous expenses.
Regardless of what I exposed, it is your body and you will see what you do with it, and I would like to know what are the drawbacks you have to be able to give a better opinion
I have not met trans people in real life, I have met gays and lesbians, and they are people like one, I don't see the problem in them
be well, regards

 

[bythefire12]

Hello, I don't understand that about trans culture or gender, for me the issue is very simple, man or woman and their preferences are something else, and if you could explain it to me from your point of view it would be great
What I don't like about that are the surgical operations that certain people apply, what is the point of destroying the body? In the same way, the use of hormones that in the long run will generate chronic diseases, according to me are unnecessary and extremely dangerous expenses.
Regardless of what I exposed, it is your body and you will see what you do with it, and I would like to know what are the drawbacks you have to be able to give a better opinion
I have not met trans people in real life, I have met gays and lesbians, and they are people like one, I don't see the problem in them
be well, regards

I say this with absolutely no will, but I don't want to get that deep into it. It's a bit personal and kinda gets into political convo territory that I'm trying to minimize in this overall convo. But I appreciate you asking honestly. I can tell you are trying to understand. There are a lot of books that help understand individual experiences (Christine Jorgensen from the 50s, Jenny Boylan), the broader social level (Julia Serano, a biologist), and the historical level (can recommend more here as well if you really want more books), but I know that's not a satisfactory response. Sorry.
I

This may be the perfect space, hoping you find something helpful here, in this thread and in general. I don't have enough personal perspective on the issue to help in any specific way.

From an outside perspective I see both sides rising together - acceptance and opposition. Depending on where you are. I'm in Canada though, but online and seeing companies etc embracing that acceptance, I hope you can find somewhere that isn't damaging to you. Even many of 'the opposition' as I put it here, is sort of wanting the best for you, even if it's in their own, possibly ignorant and counteractive way. Maybe that's ignorant to say too though.

I can definitely understand what you're saying and appreciate you being a bit more balanced about it. To be honest, part of me really wishes or hopes that I and others like me are wrong to have as much fear as we do. It would help evaluate the desire to CTB with fewer conflicting factors.

 

[CentreMid]

I'm neither American nor trans, however I am a bisexual, neurodivergent, BIPOC woman, so I do understand your fears to a lesser extent. While our governments and legistlature are different, what happens over there does have an impact on what happens here (Canada). While I don't think our laws would go to the same extent regarding the violence, it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility.

Although violent and opressive laws are not my primary reason for wanting to CTB, they have crossed my mind frequently and play a minor role in my suicidality.

 

[Aisley]

The vitriol being spewed from both sides is mostly manufactured. I'm not trying to invalidate your fears, though. A trans life can be a very dangerous row to hoe, no one needs to tell you that. But there is a narrative being thrown at both sides trying to depict a rabid and overly vocal base that mostly doesn't represent any actual humans that exist. People are addicted to panic, and these narratives get better attention, so sometimes it's all we seem to hear. Terror sells, alongside the old divide and conquer bullshit that never goes away.

 

[borderline-feline]

Hello, I don't understand that about trans culture or gender, for me the issue is very simple, man or woman and their preferences are something else, and if you could explain it to me from your point of view it would be great
What I don't like about that are the surgical operations that certain people apply, what is the point of destroying the body? In the same way, the use of hormones that in the long run will generate chronic diseases, according to me are unnecessary and extremely dangerous expenses.
Regardless of what I exposed, it is your body and you will see what you do with it, and I would like to know what are the drawbacks you have to be able to give a better opinion
I have not met trans people in real life, I have met gays and lesbians, and they are people like one, I don't see the problem in them
be well, regards

I was born with a male body and a female brain. That disconnect causes a feeling of discomfort known as "gender dysphoria". That dysphoria is why transition is necessary, as there isn't any other way to treat gender dysphoria.

I've already had 2 surgeries done (something removed and something implanted), and I still need 1 more surgery at least. None of it is destroying the body; it's fixing the body so that I have the parts that my brain expects me to have. The same goes for hormones.

Obviously, medication and surgery have risks, but I accepted the risks at 19 because I would be dead if I hadn't. The risks and complications are also not as drastic as many people assume them to be. Estrogen and surgery haven't had any adverse effects on my body.

I am trans. My main driver in thinking about CTBing lately has been a sense that there is no safe future for people like me. I'm in the US, and the rhetoric has gotten truly terrifying, along with hundreds of bills attempting to be passed in 2023 alone that bar some aspect of trans life. Not trying to start a debate about them (I do not think every bill is equally bad, it's more about the pattern and direction). But I think the scale of them will increase given the goals of people with influence on our politicians that include eliminating transgender ideology from the country (which, frankly, I don't think would involve them letting us gracefully step back into the closet).


It seems like the country as a whole is inevitably moving toward the far right (I am not against conservatives, just against a violent society toward people like me), and I could see the rhetoric moving into violent action as soon as 2024 depending on how things go in the election(s).


Are other trans people in this boat? Honestly if I felt like my future was safe from violence by others due to being trans I'd consider CTBing way, way less. But I have no hope for the political future, and my mindset is it's better to go by my own hand than potentially by people who will make the experience of death much worse than I would. If there are informed people who disagree I'm certainly happy to hear it. But I don't feel like I can ask this in trans spaces where it's people talking about genocide constantly, or in non trans spaces where I just seem alarmist.

I already feel discouraged about my transition because I have bad genetics and need to jump through some hoops in order to get "the big surgery".

The way that I and people like me are being used as a political prop or a scapegoat is infuriating. I hate that my existence has to be so politicized and that I can't just live a normal life like a cis woman would.

 

[sorrowed_ender]

yeah, as a trans person I think my main reason to ctb is because of the fact society in america wants all trans people to die. if thats what they want, then their wish is granted. I dont want to be with these people who want me dead anyways so ig i'll give them what they want. the transphobes win.

 

[Unending]

Being trans definitely has a huge impact on my mental health and drives my agoraphobia since going outside is nerve wracking. I stopped dressing femininely and wearing makeup and just sort of try to be inconspicuous now when I have to go outside.

It definitely makes me fear for the future and want to get out when I have the chance and ability.

 

[looking_for_peace]

Hello, I don't understand that about trans culture or gender, for me the issue is very simple, man or woman and their preferences are something else, and if you could explain it to me from your point of view it would be great
What I don't like about that are the surgical operations that certain people apply, what is the point of destroying the body? In the same way, the use of hormones that in the long run will generate chronic diseases, according to me are unnecessary and extremely dangerous expenses.
Regardless of what I exposed, it is your body and you will see what you do with it, and I would like to know what are the drawbacks you have to be able to give a better opinion
I have not met trans people in real life, I have met gays and lesbians, and they are people like one, I don't see the problem in them
be well, regards

I think the main thing you need to understand is that being transgender is not a lifestyle choice. no one "decides" to be transgender, just as someone does not choose to be straight, or gay.

 

[Fwompje]

It says so much that even on your personal emotional post on a suicide forum you still get people who demand that you defend yourself and your identity. I wish people would just leave us alone and let us be, being trans is already so hard to begin with. I wish I were cis, I didn't choose this. I hate some people... People are hell.

 

[lonelyandsad]

Being trans has definitely affected my mental health. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, and that has lead to the isolation I feel now.

The political climate has almost no affect on my desire to ctb. While it's terrible and upsets me, I guess my depression is more focused on me (I just feel like I'm not cut out to live) than the outside world.

Not saying any of this to invalidate your feelings. They're completely valid. Just offering my point of view.

 

[WaitingToGo]

I'm trans too, but I guess I'm not in the same position as you folks as I transitioned so long ago, but I do so understand and wish it were different. This life is just so unfair and cruel. I don't know what the situation or laws are here in the Netherlands regarding trans people but I doubt it's as grim as the US. I'm here not because I'm trans but for other reasons which I've already posted about. Love to you all

 

[sillycatforever]

yeah definitely, this is one of the main reasons i want to CTB...i dont want to live in a society where i will be hated and wanted dead, so why not go out myself

 

[Remeer]

I was born with a male body and a female brain. That disconnect causes a feeling of discomfort known as "gender dysphoria". That dysphoria is why transition is necessary, as there isn't any other way to treat gender dysphoria.

I've already had 2 surgeries done (something removed and something implanted), and I still need 1 more surgery at least. None of it is destroying the body; it's fixing the body so that I have the parts that my brain expects me to have. The same goes for hormones.

Obviously, medication and surgery have risks, but I accepted the risks at 19 because I would be dead if I hadn't. The risks and complications are also not as drastic as many people assume them to be. Estrogen and surgery haven't had any adverse effects on my body.

thanks for the reply
be well, regards

 

[whenisitover]

I'm new to the site here but man, coming across this makes me feel so seen. I started my medical transition a year ago and on one side of things I feel like I can now breathe for the first time in my entire life. My body changing into something that feels like home for the first time. But on the other side of things the world is so awful as a trans person. I'm chronically ill and dealing with being trans in medical settings makes me really sceptical over a future for myself. The amount of discrimination and hate from medical professionals. The invasive questions. My health isn't going to get better and I can't see myself being able to cope with this long term. But going back into the closet isn't an option either. It's really tough out here.

 

[ChildrensITV]

I wish people would just leave us alone and let us be, being trans is already so hard to begin with.

I hope none of the below is against the rules. I really can't afford to lose this account, so if it's offensive. I will delete it:

I think a few years ago, people left trans-people alone and it wasn't such a huge issue - there was confusiuon, mockery and insulting, admittedly, but it wasn't a hot topic like today. I am pro-anyone living how they feel that doesn't hurt anyone else. I think any adult who has been given all the information they need has the right to transition and live how they want. People should be left alone to do what they want. Lesbians and gays wanted to be left alone and it seems they embodied that: they do their own thing in their own space.

The thing with the trans issue is that trans-people don't want to be "left" alone. A lot of what alleviates trans-people's dysphoria is being affirmed in every single circumstance. Not being transphobic requires a cis-person to change their understanding of biology, definitions, and access to spaces. So that's why it's a huge issue.

• And ofc, there are transgenders like Blaire White, Rose of Dawn (?) - with ideas that most cis-people can get behind - vs those like Dylan Mulvaney, Samantha Lux (who might divide rooms), so the community is not totally a monolith!

LET ME VERY CLEAR: I am not saying what society should or shouldn't do here. I am just saying why it gets different treatment from LGB issues.

Good luck to all the transgenders here. Having genuine gender-dysphoria must be terrible. I hope you're all able to live how you feel.

• Lastly, if any transgender here has transitioned, what makes you want to CTB? Is it society or is it still feeling some dysphoria?

 

[borderline-feline]

I hope none of the below is against the rules. I really can't afford to lose this account, so if it's offensive. I will delete it:

I think a few years ago, people left trans-people alone and it wasn't such a huge issue - there was confusiuon, mockery and insulting, admittedly, but it wasn't a hot topic like today. I am pro-anyone living how they feel that doesn't hurt anyone else. I think any adult who has been given all the information they need has the right to transition and live how they want. People should be left alone to do what they want. Lesbians and gays wanted to be left alone and it seems they embodied that: they do their own thing in their own space.

The thing with the trans issue is that trans-people don't want to be "left" alone. A lot of what alleviates trans-people's dysphoria is being affirmed in every single circumstance. Not being transphobic requires a cis-person to change their understanding of biology, definitions, and access to spaces. So that's why it's a huge issue.

• And ofc, there are transgenders like Blaire White, Rose of Dawn (?) - with ideas that most cis-people can get behind - vs those like Dylan Mulvaney, Samantha Lux (who might divide rooms), so the community is not totally a monolith!

LET ME VERY CLEAR: I am not saying what society should or shouldn't do here. I am just saying why it gets different treatment from LGB issues.

Good luck to all the transgenders here. Having genuine gender-dysphoria must be terrible. I hope you're all able to live how you feel.

• Lastly, if any transgender here has transitioned, what makes you want to CTB? Is it society or is it still feeling some dysphoria?

Firstly, transgender is an adjective, not a noun.

Secondly, you're casting a very wide net. Most trans people genuinely want to be left alone. I want to be treated just like any other woman, and unless someone is my doctor or my lover, they don't even have a reason to know that I'm trans.

Transsexualism doesn't contradict biology in any way. Much of the problem is that people aren't taught brain sex theory in school, so they have no understanding of dysphoria.

Access to spaces is also not an issue. I have just as much right to a women's bathroom as a cis woman does. If a cis woman is uncomfortable sharing a bathroom with me, then that's her problem. She can just go elsewhere or hold it. Realistically, there isn't even a reason for public bathrooms to be segregated by sex.

I have been living as a woman since I was 19 and will continue to do so until I die.

This is an issue because people make it an issue. All the people you listed have some pretty out there beliefs, aside from Rose of Dawn, and have been wrong about multiple things relating to transsexualism.

I haven't finished medically transitioning, but transition doesn't fix all of a trans person's problems. Even once I've gotten SRS, I'm still gonna have trauma, OCD, and a personality disorder. Transitioning just puts us more or less on the same level as other people.

 

[ChildrensITV]

Firstly, transgender is an adjective, not a noun.

Secondly, you're casting a very wide net. Most trans people genuinely want to be left alone. I want to be treated just like any other woman, and unless someone is my doctor or my lover, they don't even have a reason to know that I'm trans.

Transsexualism doesn't contradict biology in any way. Much of the problem is that people aren't taught brain sex theory in school, so they have no understanding of dysphoria.

Access to spaces is also not an issue. I have just as much right to a women's bathroom as a cis woman does. If a cis woman is uncomfortable sharing a bathroom with me, then that's her problem. She can just go elsewhere or hold it. Realistically, there isn't even a reason for public bathrooms to be segregated by sex.

I have been living as a woman since I was 19 and will continue to do so until I die.

This is an issue because people make it an issue. All the people you listed have some pretty out there beliefs, aside from Rose of Dawn, and have been wrong about multiple things relating to transsexualism.

I haven't finished medically transitioning, but transition doesn't fix all of a trans person's problems. Even once I've gotten SRS, I'm still gonna have trauma, OCD, and a personality disorder. Transitioning just puts us more or less on the same level as other people.

Yeah, I'm not gonna get into this cuz I need this account and the trans-issue isn't really anything to do with me. There are various debates about if someone deserves to know the birth-sex of the person they're dating to give informed consent, or indeed why would a transgender even want to stealth someone who doesn't accept them for their identity, etc. But yes, that's for other people to argue on other websites. Apart from stealthing, the trans-thing doesn't affect me cuz I'm a man and an FTM trans in my bathroom isn't any concern to me and FTM trans in male sports isn't of concern to anyone.

As I said, it sounds like a terrible feeling to have. I hope you find peace (wherever it may be). Good luck.

 

[HopelessAngel]

Lastly, if any transgender here has transitioned, what makes you want to CTB? Is it society or is it still feeling some dysphoria?

I feel like I should address your comment more thoroughly, but if I'm being honest... I just don't have it in me anymore. I had my "activist" phase, but I'm tired now and just want to die in peace. That said, I don't think you mean any harm, so I'll try to answer your last question:

Speaking only for myself here - yes, dysphoria is still there. It's always going to be there, it will never go away, and it's slowly destroying me. Transition helps, but it isn't perfect, and for me it just wasn't enough. That's not to say I regret it, I don't; I would do it again if given the choice. I played the hand I was dealt, but for me it was always a losing hand to play. The sad thing is, I feel like I got fairly lucky. I pass fairly well, I can go about my daily life in peace, something a lot of trans folks can't do... what do I have to complain about, right?

The reality is, if you take a female-brained person, put them in a boys body, raise them/socialize them as a boy for 18 years, they're going to end up fucked up. There's no way around it. That's me. I have to live with the damage of that. In a way I feel cheated. Robbed of a life, a shared experience, that everyone who isn't trans gets to have. That kind of trauma doesn't go away. Some people can work through it, some people can't. I can't.

It's not my only reason for wanting to CTB... but it is a big one. So compared to whats going on in my own mind... society doesn't have anything on me.

 

[Octavia]

You are not the only one. I am also kind of in the same boat, but while that I am not particularly in danger myself (am in Canada), the bad things that are happening regarding trans people have sapped my will to live. I found Brianna Ghey's murder to be a particularly crippling incident, I cry a lot whenever I think about it.

 

[borderline-feline]

Yeah, I'm not gonna get into this cuz I need this account and the trans-issue isn't really anything to do with me. There are various debates about if someone deserves to know the birth-sex of the person they're dating to give informed consent, or indeed why would a transgender even want to stealth someone who doesn't accept them for their identity, etc. But yes, that's for other people to argue on other websites. Apart from stealthing, the trans-thing doesn't affect me cuz I'm a man and an FTM trans in my bathroom isn't any concern to me and FTM trans in male sports isn't of concern to anyone.

As I said, it sounds like a terrible feeling to have. I hope you find peace (wherever it may be). Good luck.

I literally just said "unless someone is my doctor or my lover, they don't even have a reason to know that I'm trans". Nice job missing the point completely.

Cis women are also not affected by trans women using a women's bathroom.

I'm not arguing; I'm giving factual information.

 

[Octavia]

Yeah, I'm not gonna get into this cuz I need this account and the trans-issue isn't really anything to do with me. There are various debates about if someone deserves to know the birth-sex of the person they're dating to give informed consent, or indeed why would a transgender even want to stealth someone who doesn't accept them for their identity, etc. But yes, that's for other people to argue on other websites. Apart from stealthing, the trans-thing doesn't affect me cuz I'm a man and an FTM trans in my bathroom isn't any concern to me and FTM trans in male sports isn't of concern to anyone.

As I said, it sounds like a terrible feeling to have. I hope you find peace (wherever it may be). Good luck.

Transgender is an adjective, not a noun. The correct term would be "trans person" or "transgender person".

 

[Fwompje]

I hope none of the below is against the rules. I really can't afford to lose this account, so if it's offensive. I will delete it:

I think a few years ago, people left trans-people alone and it wasn't such a huge issue - there was confusiuon, mockery and insulting, admittedly, but it wasn't a hot topic like today. I am pro-anyone living how they feel that doesn't hurt anyone else. I think any adult who has been given all the information they need has the right to transition and live how they want. People should be left alone to do what they want. Lesbians and gays wanted to be left alone and it seems they embodied that: they do their own thing in their own space.

The thing with the trans issue is that trans-people don't want to be "left" alone. A lot of what alleviates trans-people's dysphoria is being affirmed in every single circumstance. Not being transphobic requires a cis-person to change their understanding of biology, definitions, and access to spaces. So that's why it's a huge issue.

• And ofc, there are transgenders like Blaire White, Rose of Dawn (?) - with ideas that most cis-people can get behind - vs those like Dylan Mulvaney, Samantha Lux (who might divide rooms), so the community is not totally a monolith!

LET ME VERY CLEAR: I am not saying what society should or shouldn't do here. I am just saying why it gets different treatment from LGB issues.

Good luck to all the transgenders here. Having genuine gender-dysphoria must be terrible. I hope you're all able to live how you feel.

• Lastly, if any transgender here has transitioned, what makes you want to CTB? Is it society or is it still feeling some dysphoria?

I'm not even going to fucking read this. Delete it. Leave us alone. This post is not the place for discussion about that.

 

[HappiestAngel]

Hello, I don't understand that about trans culture or gender, for me the issue is very simple, man or woman and their preferences are something else, and if you could explain it to me from your point of view it would be great
What I don't like about that are the surgical operations that certain people apply, what is the point of destroying the body? In the same way, the use of hormones that in the long run will generate chronic diseases, according to me are unnecessary and extremely dangerous expenses.
Regardless of what I exposed, it is your body and you will see what you do with it, and I would like to know what are the drawbacks you have to be able to give a better opinion
I have not met trans people in real life, I have met gays and lesbians, and they are people like one, I don't see the problem in them
be well, regards

There is a specific way I like to explain it to people that don't understand. The human brain can recogonize when something is wrong with your body. This also aplies to sex charactaristics (example: a lot of men feel bad about themselves when they don't have much muscle mass). There is proof that brains are gendered there is a difference between a male persons brain and a female persons brain. Sometimes a person with a male body will be born with a female brain or vice versa. Which results in the brain constantly sending signals that something is wrong with your body. This feeling is very hard and almost impossible to live with for a lot of people. Which is why a lot of trans people want to change their bodies to match what their brain thinks. (there is currently no way to alter this aspect of the brain and probably wont be for many centuries)
The health risks of transition and regret rates are very small if you compare them to other much more common life saving surgeries.

 

[bythefire12]

If anyone here who is trans would be open to DMing I'd really appreciate it. Just throwing that out there.

This thread is unfortunately moving in the direction I don't want, which is debating trans people. I know it's a tricky topic, but if we could avoid the "well trans people ask too much" discourse I'd certainly appreciate it. I assure you, all of us have issues with certain trans activism. I am a loud critic. But it's not the point of the thread.

 

[leeloosnow]

The erosion of our rights as individuals in the US is horrifying, it definitely contributes to my feelings of hopelessness about my life and the future for our society. I've made medical choices for my own body directly, about reproductive matters, because of political instability. That's scary enough and pales in comparison to the oppressions some people are subjected to every single day. When I was younger and more engaged with activism I still had a little hope of contributing towards making this a better place for us all, but I feel like over the years things have just gotten worse instead of better which affirms my wanting to just give up. The abject ignorance of yelling "freedom" yet governing what someone else does in the most private of matters is disgusting, it's a mindset that can't be reasoned with to even have productive discourse. The hate and misinformation spewed 'round the clock on conservative platforms incite violence that literally kills people and it's only getting louder. It's nauseating just trying to imagine how others survive in this level of oppression. I mean, we can barely have this conversation without someone's private life being brought into focus, and that's what people are dealing with, in every discussion, every day, every aspect of their lives. It's not right, and I get this reflex of wanting to change that and I know my efforts are in vein, that's very depressing. Anyways. Could rant forever about this but I'm trying to keep on topic :) I love you.

 

[ChildrensITV]

I literally just said "unless someone is my doctor or my lover

I missed where you said "lover" before. Apologies!

I feel like I should address your comment more thoroughly, but if I'm being honest... I just don't have it in me anymore. I had my "activist" phase, but I'm tired now and just want to die in peace. That said, I don't think you mean any harm, so I'll try to answer your last question:

Speaking only for myself here - yes, dysphoria is still there. It's always going to be there, it will never go away, and it's slowly destroying me. Transition helps, but it isn't perfect, and for me it just wasn't enough. That's not to say I regret it, I don't; I would do it again if given the choice. I played the hand I was dealt, but for me it was always a losing hand to play. The sad thing is, I feel like I got fairly lucky. I pass fairly well, I can go about my daily life in peace, something a lot of trans folks can't do... what do I have to complain about, right?

The reality is, if you take a female-brained person, put them in a boys body, raise them/socialize them as a boy for 18 years, they're going to end up fucked up. There's no way around it. That's me. I have to live with the damage of that. In a way I feel cheated. Robbed of a life, a shared experience, that everyone who isn't trans gets to have. That kind of trauma doesn't go away. Some people can work through it, some people can't. I can't.

It's not my only reason for wanting to CTB... but it is a big one. So compared to whats going on in my own mind... society doesn't have anything on me.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I feel like it's better to have dialogue and communication about these things rather than cancelling and bans. Good luck!