Venting trans life cycle

[pellisetossium]

I graduated a month ago. I just finished an internship and started writing my thesis. I have an eight months old relationship with someone who seems to like me. I have started to look for jobs in the hopes of affording a masters and surgeries, and it terrifies me.
Wherever I look, I can't help but feel that there's no place for me. I feel like everything I do to build a life in this world is meaningless and that no matter how much I try I'll just never be a part of it. When I came to terms with being a transexual, a part of me also accepted that I'd never be able to live normally. Every day feels heavier.

I think being young gave me an excuse to put my life on hold while I tried to find out how to live it, but I'm not sure if I'll ever figure it out. I don't want to kill myself, I really don't, but it feels like the only thing left. I don't want to become a statistic. I've already failed enough times before and now it feels like I'm living in borrowed time.

I'm lucky to be loved by someone, I'm lucky to have a little cat that I love, I'm lucky to have had projects that fulfilled me, but love can't do it all. I'm scared all this love won't ever be enough.

 

[locallyringedspace]

I really really get the feeling. like i can do so so much and feel happy or hopeful but remembering that none of it will ever make me cissexual just crushes me

 

[pellisetossium]

I really really get the feeling. like i can do so so much and feel happy or hopeful but remembering that none of it will ever make me cissexual just crushes me

Yeah, more or less. I just can't fathom a life were everything's easier. If I hadn't had to worry about how I look, or about the opportunities I'll never have, or whatever.