Touch Deprived

[Suicidebydeath]

What is a hug? I don't know what these things are.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

What a beautifully written post. My heart aches for you, I'm so sorry for all of these horrible things that have happened to you. You did not deserve any of this. What you do deserve is a hug. I do believe it is okay to cry, it is perhaps one of the purest emotions a human being can express. To want to limit that, for some reason or another, is to deny being human at all. I wish I could give you, and everybody else in this thread, a warm and tight hug.

Thank you for your kind words, WhatPowerIs. I really appreciate it

Our culture encourages emotional suppression to reserve interpersonal harmony. That is, needless to say, at the expense of your own mental wellbeing. With that being said, I'm (slowly) learning to put my own needs first, and to set and enforce my boundaries. I've still got a long way to go, but I guess it's better late than never.

 

[hungry_ghost]

I would enjoy holding hands with someone, as even that is deeply intimate to me.

 

[3xfipC74AYz]

hug a pillow every night. its supposed to release the same hormones in the body and relaxes you

 

[Efilismislife]

can relate so much

im bullied abused by my own family my whole life, since i was a child. so i have a big trust issues

Always insecure, a loner
and i feel more save hugging my pillow instead of people

because pillows cant hurt me unlike how ive been stabbed in the back, crushed many times by my own family and people around me who i trusted

I have trauma most of the time i grow up by suppressing my feelings and eventually sometimes i become numb

Especially for human relationship social having feelings etc

I have to have my guard up all the time
I dont deserve relationship so ive been adapt to it
and its funny how i lost touch to human but i dont even care about it now

im used to being alone all the time just with myself.

just like what my mom said

"People die alone youre dying alone youre suffering alone nobody can feel it and nobody care "

I get really uncomfortable when people touch me, especially without permission. I like being alone, but part of me does yearn for intimacy. I wish I wasn't like this. While I'm aware that my aversion to touch might have its origins in childhood, how to overcome it is another thing altogether.

I wish I was not brought up to think that no one can be trusted, by he who himself was a victim of a militant upbringing. In hindsight, bereavement would have been a blessing—I wish Death took him away. Even as an adult, it feels like everyone is out to get me. It doesn't help that I was molested by the people whom I thought I could trust, when I let my guard down. To add insult to injury, I got to experience first-hand, how isolating pain, chronic pain, is. I wish someone told me that it was okay to cry—that vulnerability is not a weakness, but rather an admission of humanity.

I'm tired of feeling on edge all the time. Overanalysing—making pros and cons lists of everything and everyone—makes my head hurt. I want to trust again, and see the beauty of life through the eyes of an innocent child.

Yeah, definitely. At least in my case, I feel greatly uncomfortable when people touch me. Not hugging or whatever.. But, yknow, day to day things. Like touching your shoulder to get your attention, hand shakes, and so on. It's awful existing like this.

It essentially means I'm alone. Forever.. I can't even search for relationships anymore. I'm too damaged via touch.


It hurts like nothing else to accept that.. You can't have it anymore. You know, at least with some people, they're sad because.. They think they deserve intimacy. They deserve love, and happiness.. But it's a different type of pain, to be at a point where you have to let go of that.

My god it's awful.



I wonder what that feels like. Being invisible is awful. You're just a nobody to everyone.. Living a life that's meaningless.


I think so as well. I haven't held hands before, either.

hug a pillow every night. its supposed to release the same hormones in the body and relaxes you

 

[Un-]

because pillows cant hurt me unlike how ive been stabbed in the back, crushed many times by my own family and people around me who i trusted

I have trauma most of the time i grow up by suppressing my feelings and eventually sometimes i become numb

Yeah I understand that. I don't hug pillows, but I definitely don't like being touched by people. I always flinch.

The people that hurt you the most are the ones most closest to you.. So, like you, I don't have trust in many people. I don't trust anyone at all.

I've been told by a lot of people that know me well, that I killed my empathy. Which is true.. I was the punching bag of so many people.. I eventually killed every emotion I have. I don't feel anything most of the time. I only have periods of.. I guess "mania.".. Where I have a sudden rush of strong emotion. It's absolutely awful.

Because of this, and a lot of things, I've stopped pursing relationships. I've stopped looking for friends and partners. I don't deserve anyone, and I'm terrified. I'd prefer to be alone, even though it hurts like Satan's venom.

It saddens me that we relate to one another. No one should feel this way at all. No one..

 

[outatime_85]

Yeah I understand that. I don't hug pillows, but I definitely don't like being touched by people. I always flinch.

Someone would have to be willing to make the first move to touch me (be it a hug, hand hold, or engage in a discussion) because my current way of living does not put me in a space for physical contact of any significance.

That being said, I don't even know if I like being touched by people anymore because I haven't been in a position to be touched by anyone in years.

The people that hurt you the most are the ones most closest to you.. So, like you, I don't have trust in many people. I don't trust anyone at all.

I've been told by a lot of people that know me well, that I killed my empathy. Which is true.. I was the punching bag of so many people.. I eventually killed every emotion I have. I don't feel anything most of the time. I only have periods of.. I guess "mania.".. Where I have a sudden rush of strong emotion. It's absolutely awful.

Because of this, and a lot of things, I've stopped pursing relationships. I've stopped looking for friends and partners. I don't deserve anyone, and I'm terrified. I'd prefer to be alone, even though it hurts like Satan's venom.

It saddens me that we relate to one another. No one should feel this way at all. No one..

This all sounds too familiar.

 

[foreverfalling]

The people that hurt you the most are the ones most closest to you.. So, like you, I don't have trust in many people. I don't trust anyone at all.

I just watched this video which discusses this as hedgehog's dilemma . Wanting intimacy but afraid of getting hurt, because people have only ever hurt us.

 

[GasMonkey]

Yeah it's so bad.
I'm a KHHV so I have never experienced anything at all.

 

[Un-]

Wanting intimacy but afraid of getting hurt, because people have only ever hurt us.

I haven't watched the video, so I'm not sure if they talk about it, but what can happen.. With prolonged distrust, is that you.. Yknow that story of the fox and the grapes? At least, with myself, I'm.. Trying to convince myself I'm better off alone. I'm telling myself that I don't need people..

Yeah it's so bad.
I'm a KHHV so I have never experienced anything at all.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't know how it's possible someone could be as isolated as yourself.. It hurts me to think about it, because I don't think we're too different... You know what they say about isolation.. You're alone, so when you try find people, the fact that you're alone deters them.. You get used to loneliness.. And so the cycle repeats.. I'd give you a hug, if it were possible.

 

[GasMonkey]

It's all about genetics.
Btw I don't need hugs from dudes.

 

[Efilismislife]

I dont intentionally hug pillow jist to replace the need to hug
but usually when people sleep we use pillow
So when i sleep at night i feel comfortable, safe and not scared unlike when i feel 'attach' with/to human i usually feel insecure/worried because of the trauma and sometimes i pull myself
Like i cant let myself

Yeah I understand that. I don't hug pillows, but I definitely don't like being touched by people. I always flinch.

The people that hurt you the most are the ones most closest to you.. So, like you, I don't have trust in many people. I don't trust anyone at all.

I've been told by a lot of people that know me well, that I killed my empathy. Which is true.. I was the punching bag of so many people.. I eventually killed every emotion I have. I don't feel anything most of the time. I only have periods of.. I guess "mania.".. Where I have a sudden rush of strong emotion. It's absolutely awful.

Same as me
I got backstabbed by people who i trust the most and most closest
which supposed to be my saviour but throw me into the 'lions mouth'

its like theres like a black hole in my heart and sometimes i feel and want to be like a robot which dont need emotions

Because of this, and a lot of things, I've stopped pursing relationships. I've stopped looking for friends and partners. I don't deserve anyone, and I'm terrified. I'd prefer to be alone, even though it hurts like Satan's venom.

It saddens me that we relate to one another. No one should feel this way at all. No one..

Yeah and i adapt to it im used to it my whole life just being with myself

I just watched this video which discusses this as hedgehog's dilemma . Wanting intimacy but afraid of getting hurt, because people have only ever hurt us.

Ive heard about it too and it fits me

I haven't watched the video, so I'm not sure if they talk about it, but what can happen.. With prolonged distrust, is that you.. Yknow that story of the fox and the grapes? At least, with myself, I'm.. Trying to convince myself I'm better off alone. I'm telling myself that I don't need people..

I read that and yeah seems familiar
but isnt it a cope mechanism, denial? Copium, self defense

 

[BusTicketholder]

I've never experienced a hug. I have had my feelings invalidated about being touch deprived though because "what do you mean!! you've been hugged by family before!!" Even if I did feel any connection to my family members, their hugs feel gratuitous, superficial, and are platonic after all. I really wish I had someone to calm my fears about my body and someone who

My friend who was typically regarded as "the loser" (I did not view him this way, and I was even seen the same way) eventually outgrew me and blossomed into this wonderful person who wasn't afraid to express themselves through their appearance (they dressed very openly queer, something I've always wanted to do but cannot). I regularly saw him cuddling with his girlfriend and newfound friend group of equally amazing people. I am/was so incredibly envious and still cry over that to this day and all I need is a hug

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I have had my feelings invalidated about being touch deprived though because "what do you mean!! you've been hugged by family before!!" Even if I did feel any connection to my family members, their hugs feel gratuitous, superficial, and are platonic after all.

I'm sorry people invalidated your feelings. I absolutely get what you mean and can relate. While I personally would really like a platonic hug, I still totally understand how hugs from family "don't count" and do not make the feeling of being deprived of human connection go away. I guess people who don't get it actually have a deeper psychological connection to family members, which is why it is more meaningful to them. A lot of people simply assume that if they are super close with their immediate or even extended family, then everyone else must be as well, maybe with an exception of very obviously abusive families, but that isn't always the case. Family members can give very empty and superficial hugs and other "gestures of affection" with no real affection or emotional weight attached to them, just out of habit, or because "that's what normal families do", and it is hollow and meaningless, it doesn't make your "skin hunger" any better. It's like hugging an inanimate object.
I'm sorry about your situation. I wish you had someone really nice to cuddle.

 

[Alayna]

I want to be touched. Don't touch me. Don't you dare touch me. I want to be touched.

 

[Maudlin]

I get really uncomfortable when people touch me, especially without permission. I like being alone, but part of me does yearn for intimacy. I wish I wasn't like this. While I'm aware that my aversion to touch might have its origins in childhood, how to overcome it is another thing altogether.

I wish I was not brought up to think that no one can be trusted, by he who himself was a victim of a militant upbringing. In hindsight, bereavement would have been a blessing—I wish Death took him away. Even as an adult, it feels like everyone is out to get me. It doesn't help that I was molested by the people whom I thought I could trust, when I let my guard down. To add insult to injury, I got to experience first-hand, how isolating pain, chronic pain, is. I wish someone told me that it was okay to cry—that vulnerability is not a weakness, but rather an admission of humanity.

I'm tired of feeling on edge all the time. Overanalysing—making pros and cons lists of everything and everyone—makes my head hurt. I want to trust again, and see the beauty of life through the eyes of an innocent child.

I can seriously relate to this. Nice to know I'm not so unique... in more ways than one.

Do you ever get so into the analyses that you work out outcomes in terms of percentages in your brain?

I only ask because I do that. Been doing that most all my life. Most of the time, my predictions were pretty damn accurate... I'd say about 80% until the chronic pain started.

Now, the edge is razor sharp and my timing is in every way blown all to hell. I barely recognise my own thoughts anymore. I've lost my "me-ness". The hole it left is filled with constant grinding pain.

 

[leeloosnow]

Yeah I know.. He did far better than me in every aspect. He was tall, academically gifted. Physically gifted. Charismatic, ridiculously attractive, talented.. Sigh.

It is what it is. I'm coping with how much I'm a loser by watching Pixar movies, and I've been crying in each one.. Because the losers in those stories get a happy ending.. I know I'm not getting a happy ending. So I cry heh.

i'd rather hug someone like you over a douche canoe like that guy any day.

 

[theboy]

the same thing happens to me

 

[Un-]

I want to be touched. Don't touch me. Don't you dare touch me. I want to be touched.

reminds me of this poem:

When I get out
I'm going to ask someone
to touch me
very gently please
and slowly,
touch me
I want
to learn again
how life feels.

I've not been touched
for seven years
for seven years
I've been untouched
out of touch
and I've learnt
to know now
the meaning of
untouchable.

Untouched – not quite
I can count the things
that have touched me

One: fists
At the beginning
fierce mad fists
beating beating
till I remember
screaming
Don't touch me
please don't touch me.

Two: paws
The first four years of paws
every day
patting paws, searching
– arms up, shoes off
legs apart –
prodding paws, systematic
heavy, indifferent
probing away
all privacy.

I don't want fists and paws
I want
to want to be touched
again
and to touch,
I want to feel alive
again
I want to say
when I get out

Here I am
please touch me.

 

[Zegers]

I can relate to some of things folks said. It hits hard scarcity of love and care

 

[Un-]

In some sense I'm happy I haven't been.. Touched. With how my life has played out, everything and everyone I've ever remotely enjoyed has been taken away from me. I know that if I had been physically loved by some people, the pain would be unbearable.

It's this type of thinking that prevents me from enjoying things. I think about how the moments I'm living now are going to painful memories of the past.. It makes it hard to trust people. Because I feel that they will hurt me immensely. It's always been my fault. I have never been enough for anyone.

Suppose I had a partner, I'd be very difficult to love physically. I flinch when I'm touched. I'm a very passive person.. The one time I went to therapy, the first thing she asked me was "Why do you make yourself small?". I'm even subconscious about my nudity. I don't think I have a good body. And on the impossible chance that someone would want to have sex with me, I'd decline, because I'm terrified of how awful I'd be.. In many, many ways.

I know someone I used to go to school with. He was as fucked up as I am. He had a girlfriend though. And I asked him, once, if he lost his virginity and he said no. I asked why, since they've been saying for 6 months. And he told me that he has no confidence. He makes a lot of mistakes and he can't forgive himself for it. Why would I expect my experience to he different?