hopeurhappylb
just a bit silly
- Feb 4, 2024
- 32
This is just gonna be a jumbled mess, I'm using SaSu to scream into the void and vent about things I wouldn't otherwise have the chance to vent about.
The thought of suicide makes me anxious sometimes, when I think about leaving people behind. I really do hate this life, but I hate the idea of making people sad. However, sometimes I like the idea of making my abusers feel terrible guilt over the suicide they played a part in causing, even though that's not a very good thought.
Everynight, I fantasize about killing myself or getting killed as a way to lull me to sleep. The fantasies are always brutal, I wonder why in my head being in extrutiating pain seems cathartic? I feel like if my skull was smashed open, it would release all the heaviness and negative thoughts in my head out into the world, a wonderful and almost "orgasmic" release. Though in reality, I know it would hurt like a bitch.
I really like the idea of someone I romantically love killing me, consensually. Since suicide is a comforting thought to me, its even more comforting to imagine a lover taking the burden of life off my hands themself, supporting my decision to die by helping me carry it out. Is that embarrassing to admit? Who cares, honestly.
I do feel miserable all the time, I really hope I'm able to work up the courage to CTB soon enough. Unfortunately, it will be sad and terrifying and lonely, but probably a better alternative to living in this world any longer.
The thought of suicide makes me anxious sometimes, when I think about leaving people behind. I really do hate this life, but I hate the idea of making people sad. However, sometimes I like the idea of making my abusers feel terrible guilt over the suicide they played a part in causing, even though that's not a very good thought.
Everynight, I fantasize about killing myself or getting killed as a way to lull me to sleep. The fantasies are always brutal, I wonder why in my head being in extrutiating pain seems cathartic? I feel like if my skull was smashed open, it would release all the heaviness and negative thoughts in my head out into the world, a wonderful and almost "orgasmic" release. Though in reality, I know it would hurt like a bitch.
I really like the idea of someone I romantically love killing me, consensually. Since suicide is a comforting thought to me, its even more comforting to imagine a lover taking the burden of life off my hands themself, supporting my decision to die by helping me carry it out. Is that embarrassing to admit? Who cares, honestly.
I do feel miserable all the time, I really hope I'm able to work up the courage to CTB soon enough. Unfortunately, it will be sad and terrifying and lonely, but probably a better alternative to living in this world any longer.
