Top Reasons to Avoid CTB That You've NEVER Heard Before!

[BipolarExpress]

Why haven't you tried yoga? Have you considered keeping a gratitude journal? Pilates might work, too! Oh, wait—did you know that drinking kombucha cures depression? Go on a wellness retreat that costs $1,000 USD a day! (And we don't mean the psych hospital, either!) Take ginkgo biloba, dong quai, and St. John's Wort. That should fix you up, shouldn't it? Tried ten different psych meds? Why not try an eleventh! Why not try Zumba, Crossfit, or Peloton? Have you considered losing weight? You'll feel great after you've shed those pounds. No pain, no gain! You don't know what you're missing if you haven't tried the paleo, keto, or clean-eating diets! Try our colonic irrigation system. Feeling depressed? Why not talk to our seasoned counsellors, all of whom will spout platitudes like "It gets better!" and "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," as though late-stage capitalism, racial oppression, refractory depression, crippling anxiety, systemic bigotry, and a cost-of-living crisis are merely temporary inconveniences. Have you tried going to a culturally appropriative sweat lodge? Have you considered taking a shamanic journey with magic mushrooms? Why don't you try this great kale smoothie! Remove all sugar, animal byproducts, and broccoli from your diet. If regular yoga doesn't work, try underwater yoga! Have you tried therapy? If you didn't like Prozac, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, lithium, Lamictal, Zoloft, Effexor, Lexapro, or St. John's Wort, spend $500 a session for our special ketamine infusions! Still feeling desperate? Give therapy another try. Maybe change providers, even if your insurance or local healthcare system doesn't cover it. Spend time around all your friends who are perfectly happy with life and feel more miserable around them by the second—and that's if you have friends in the first place. Why don't you talk to your loving parents, as though nobody has shitty abusive parents who wouldn't give a shit whether you lived or died?


But wait, there's more! If none of our suggestions work, you'll live a happy life if you just call 1-800-SUI-CIDE. That's 1-800-SUI-CIDE. Talk to our delightful representatives. If you tell them you're planning on shuffling off this mortal coil, you'll get a no-expenses-paid trip to a luxury off-the-grid location: your local psychiatric hospital. Surrender your phone, laptop, and human dignity, and maybe we'll find a way to keep you alive.

 

[MidnightDream]

This is literally my new favourite post on this website

 

[avaug]

Thankyou. This actually brought a smile to my face. I had someone suggest journaling as a cure for my shitty brain just yesterday

 

[FuneralCry]

All of the people who actually think that those things can remove the suffering that exists in this world actually are deluded. It's sad how ignorant they can be. People who push things like that clearly are not suicidal so they could never understand.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

as though late-stage capitalism, racial oppression...systemic bigotry, and a cost-of-living crisis are merely temporary inconveniences

I mean, they are, in the grand scheme of things...but fuck, I'm not a Highlander.

"This too shall pass", you say? My counter: yes, perhaps, but what if only with my life? Not nearly as many pithy paternalistic nuggets of pseudo-wisdom ready to fire back at that one.

 

[jodes2]

Nice list. After 10 meds and ketamine and ALL that, if it still doesn't work, I wholeheartedly support CTB, I really do. I haven't done pilates or shit like that but I've tried enough for sure. Thankfully I did kinda get quite a lot better. It just needed time and inspiration. It CAN get better, but for some I concede that that doesn't mean it will. It's taken me 25 years on a depression rollercoaster to get to this point

 

[Chronicoverwhelm]

Why haven't you tried yoga? Have you considered keeping a gratitude journal? Pilates might work, too! Oh, wait—did you know that drinking kombucha cures depression? Go on a wellness retreat that costs $1,000 USD a day! (And we don't mean the psych hospital, either!) Take ginkgo biloba, dong quai, and St. John's Wort. That should fix you up, shouldn't it? Tried ten different psych meds? Why not try an eleventh! Why not try Zumba, Crossfit, or Peloton? Have you considered losing weight? You'll feel great after you've shed those pounds. No pain, no gain! You don't know what you're missing if you haven't tried the paleo, keto, or clean-eating diets! Try our colonic irrigation system. Feeling depressed? Why not talk to our seasoned counsellors, all of whom will spout platitudes like "It gets better!" and "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," as though late-stage capitalism, racial oppression, refractory depression, crippling anxiety, systemic bigotry, and a cost-of-living crisis are merely temporary inconveniences. Have you tried going to a culturally appropriative sweat lodge? Have you considered taking a shamanic journey with magic mushrooms? Why don't you try this great kale smoothie! Remove all sugar, animal byproducts, and broccoli from your diet. If regular yoga doesn't work, try underwater yoga! Have you tried therapy? If you didn't like Prozac, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, lithium, Lamictal, Zoloft, Effexor, Lexapro, or St. John's Wort, spend $500 a session for our special ketamine infusions! Still feeling desperate? Give therapy another try. Maybe change providers, even if your insurance or local healthcare system doesn't cover it. Spend time around all your friends who are perfectly happy with life and feel more miserable around them by the second—and that's if you have friends in the first place. Why don't you talk to your loving parents, as though nobody has shitty abusive parents who wouldn't give a shit whether you lived or died?


But wait, there's more! If none of our suggestions work, you'll live a happy life if you just call 1-800-SUI-CIDE. That's 1-800-SUI-CIDE. Talk to our delightful representatives. If you tell them you're planning on shuffling off this mortal coil, you'll get a no-expenses-paid trip to a luxury off-the-grid location: your local psychiatric hospital. Surrender your phone, laptop, and human dignity, and maybe we'll find a way to keep you alive.

Perfectly said

 

[Endex]

Thanks for posting, made me chuckle also.

 

[Ringo]

My jaw hurts from laughing so much, that can't be good for me but I feel great, thank you

 

[Wannagonow]

I love your post! Thanks for taking the time to put it together. It put a rare smile on my face.

 

[cassxtho]

The only thing that ever actually helped was drinking tons of caffeine and going to the gym in the morning, but these things aren't for everyone. Especially caffeine lol. Fucking hate how people like to lecture me on how to improve my body and mind, like you don't know me how the hell are you going to know what's best for me.

 

[brokenworld]

Why haven't you tried yoga? Have you considered keeping a gratitude journal? Pilates might work, too! Oh, wait—did you know that drinking kombucha cures depression? Go on a wellness retreat that costs $1,000 USD a day! (And we don't mean the psych hospital, either!) Take ginkgo biloba, dong quai, and St. John's Wort. That should fix you up, shouldn't it? Tried ten different psych meds? Why not try an eleventh! Why not try Zumba, Crossfit, or Peloton? Have you considered losing weight? You'll feel great after you've shed those pounds. No pain, no gain! You don't know what you're missing if you haven't tried the paleo, keto, or clean-eating diets! Try our colonic irrigation system. Feeling depressed? Why not talk to our seasoned counsellors, all of whom will spout platitudes like "It gets better!" and "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," as though late-stage capitalism, racial oppression, refractory depression, crippling anxiety, systemic bigotry, and a cost-of-living crisis are merely temporary inconveniences. Have you tried going to a culturally appropriative sweat lodge? Have you considered taking a shamanic journey with magic mushrooms? Why don't you try this great kale smoothie! Remove all sugar, animal byproducts, and broccoli from your diet. If regular yoga doesn't work, try underwater yoga! Have you tried therapy? If you didn't like Prozac, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, lithium, Lamictal, Zoloft, Effexor, Lexapro, or St. John's Wort, spend $500 a session for our special ketamine infusions! Still feeling desperate? Give therapy another try. Maybe change providers, even if your insurance or local healthcare system doesn't cover it. Spend time around all your friends who are perfectly happy with life and feel more miserable around them by the second—and that's if you have friends in the first place. Why don't you talk to your loving parents, as though nobody has shitty abusive parents who wouldn't give a shit whether you lived or died?


But wait, there's more! If none of our suggestions work, you'll live a happy life if you just call 1-800-SUI-CIDE. That's 1-800-SUI-CIDE. Talk to our delightful representatives. If you tell them you're planning on shuffling off this mortal coil, you'll get a no-expenses-paid trip to a luxury off-the-grid location: your local psychiatric hospital. Surrender your phone, laptop, and human dignity, and maybe we'll find a way to keep you alive.

You deserve payment for this masterpiece

 

[beingfree]

Marvellous post.

Would add religion.

And "You must try to make your life good."

 

[BipolarExpress]

@beingfree: Dammit! I should've had something about "You need to find God/Jesus/Buddha/Thor/Apollo/Zeus/Ra/Amaterasu" in there.

 

[rangerrabbit]

Why haven't you tried yoga? Have you considered keeping a gratitude journal? Pilates might work, too! Oh, wait—did you know that drinking kombucha cures depression? Go on a wellness retreat that costs $1,000 USD a day! (And we don't mean the psych hospital, either!) Take ginkgo biloba, dong quai, and St. John's Wort. That should fix you up, shouldn't it? Tried ten different psych meds? Why not try an eleventh! Why not try Zumba, Crossfit, or Peloton? Have you considered losing weight? You'll feel great after you've shed those pounds. No pain, no gain! You don't know what you're missing if you haven't tried the paleo, keto, or clean-eating diets! Try our colonic irrigation system. Feeling depressed? Why not talk to our seasoned counsellors, all of whom will spout platitudes like "It gets better!" and "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," as though late-stage capitalism, racial oppression, refractory depression, crippling anxiety, systemic bigotry, and a cost-of-living crisis are merely temporary inconveniences. Have you tried going to a culturally appropriative sweat lodge? Have you considered taking a shamanic journey with magic mushrooms? Why don't you try this great kale smoothie! Remove all sugar, animal byproducts, and broccoli from your diet. If regular yoga doesn't work, try underwater yoga! Have you tried therapy? If you didn't like Prozac, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, lithium, Lamictal, Zoloft, Effexor, Lexapro, or St. John's Wort, spend $500 a session for our special ketamine infusions! Still feeling desperate? Give therapy another try. Maybe change providers, even if your insurance or local healthcare system doesn't cover it. Spend time around all your friends who are perfectly happy with life and feel more miserable around them by the second—and that's if you have friends in the first place. Why don't you talk to your loving parents, as though nobody has shitty abusive parents who wouldn't give a shit whether you lived or died?


But wait, there's more! If none of our suggestions work, you'll live a happy life if you just call 1-800-SUI-CIDE. That's 1-800-SUI-CIDE. Talk to our delightful representatives. If you tell them you're planning on shuffling off this mortal coil, you'll get a no-expenses-paid trip to a luxury off-the-grid location: your local psychiatric hospital. Surrender your phone, laptop, and human dignity, and maybe we'll find a way to keep you alive.

This is so relatable omg, I just don't have the motivation to get better and nothing sounds fun.

 

[donealready]

The amount of times the actual crisis team said to me:
'Have you tried going for a walk?'

 

[sevenkarmas]

Chiropractic treatments cure everything, or so I've been told.

 

[Ineedtodie]

Also have this idea that meds are not a cure. They only diminish symptoms at best. I feel like if expect more I will mess up my doses. I already took an extra of benzo to which i get shit for bc apprently im on somekind of arrest due to overdosing lexomil an other anxiety . So heading toward that is a calling for disaster.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Cope via masochism.

 

[Unending]

This post is iconic

 

[milkandcoffee]

Just gonna whine for a second because I'm really sick of the new ~MICRODOSING!!!!~ suggestions. Acid is great, but difficult to come by because it's, you know, illegal and I have like negative three friends so no connections to find more without risking it being laced with who the fuck knows what. Shrooms actually make me feel worse. Emptiness and anger like I've never felt before, and I wanted to ctb even before that. Turns out, severe mental illness makes it tough to do that set and setting shit or whatever

Glad I have all of you to commiserate with because no one else seems to fucking get it.

 

[sapphoslastpoem]

The amount of times the actual crisis team said to me:
'Have you tried going for a walk?'

Every time I hear this shit, I want to set a fucking car on fire

 

[wait.what]

I should've had something about "You need to find God/Jesus/Buddha/Thor/Apollo/Zeus/Ra/Amaterasu" in there.

Someone should start the God of the Month Club. Every month you get a cardboard box containing a different religious text and accessories. Order in the next 30 minutes and get a FREE copy of "My God Can Beat Up Your God: A Beginner's Guide To Religious Persecution" by Tomas de Torquemada & Friends.

What could bring more happiness into your life than that??

 

[Tired33]

Why haven't you tried yoga? Have you considered keeping a gratitude journal? Pilates might work, too! Oh, wait—did you know that drinking kombucha cures depression? Go on a wellness retreat that costs $1,000 USD a day! (And we don't mean the psych hospital, either!) Take ginkgo biloba, dong quai, and St. John's Wort. That should fix you up, shouldn't it? Tried ten different psych meds? Why not try an eleventh! Why not try Zumba, Crossfit, or Peloton? Have you considered losing weight? You'll feel great after you've shed those pounds. No pain, no gain! You don't know what you're missing if you haven't tried the paleo, keto, or clean-eating diets! Try our colonic irrigation system. Feeling depressed? Why not talk to our seasoned counsellors, all of whom will spout platitudes like "It gets better!" and "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," as though late-stage capitalism, racial oppression, refractory depression, crippling anxiety, systemic bigotry, and a cost-of-living crisis are merely temporary inconveniences. Have you tried going to a culturally appropriative sweat lodge? Have you considered taking a shamanic journey with magic mushrooms? Why don't you try this great kale smoothie! Remove all sugar, animal byproducts, and broccoli from your diet. If regular yoga doesn't work, try underwater yoga! Have you tried therapy? If you didn't like Prozac, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, lithium, Lamictal, Zoloft, Effexor, Lexapro, or St. John's Wort, spend $500 a session for our special ketamine infusions! Still feeling desperate? Give therapy another try. Maybe change providers, even if your insurance or local healthcare system doesn't cover it. Spend time around all your friends who are perfectly happy with life and feel more miserable around them by the second—and that's if you have friends in the first place. Why don't you talk to your loving parents, as though nobody has shitty abusive parents who wouldn't give a shit whether you lived or died?


But wait, there's more! If none of our suggestions work, you'll live a happy life if you just call 1-800-SUI-CIDE. That's 1-800-SUI-CIDE. Talk to our delightful representatives. If you tell them you're planning on shuffling off this mortal coil, you'll get a no-expenses-paid trip to a luxury off-the-grid location: your local psychiatric hospital. Surrender your phone, laptop, and human dignity, and maybe we'll find a way to keep you alive.

I appreciate that you included psychedelics in this list as it seems that they are touted as a cure-all in the culture today. Great post, it made me laugh lol!

 

[DeadManLiving]

Nothing in my life has ever made me want to commit suicide more and more - than people's reaction to my trying to commit suicide.

 

[Zegers]

why dont you stop thinking negative, go to the gym and get a haircut.