empty sighs

empty sighs

deserves to die
Feb 14, 2022
59
Sickness. In between the sickness: when the nausea isn't eating you alive; or your knees, and arms, and every other joint don't ache; I find myself subsumed with melancholia unsure about what to do. Even when not sick I feel so sick. Incapable of doing the things I should to fix the pain, can't go outside, or read a book, afraid it would trigger more pain. I'm so bad at pain, not good at holding in my hands like some people do without judgment, just looking at it. And fear, I feel so much fear, because I can't remember the things I should, though sometimes I don't care. About anything. And it's easier than thinking things matter, when nothing matters; but "meaning" the idea of meaning, comes back to seduce me always, and bring me back to earth, where I feel the pain in my joints again. It's hard to get out of bed. I imagine heavy weights are holding them down, my legs, and I cut the string, and my legs pop up - but then I open my eyes and realize I haven't moved. It's so hard and confusing. I get so lost and trapped in my head unsure of what's real. My memories, not-memories, ideas of things, it's not really me, it's just a reel of some other persons life, like reading the newspaper, well I feel rather bad but it couldn't be me. I just don't know who or what to trust. Sometimes I long for a lifeline, other times I just want to drown in the silence where I can die -- not held back by noise, by the voices, telling me I'm nothing, I'm worthless, just making a fuss over nothing. It's easier for people to deny pain than to feel a little empathy; I understand but would rather not participate in that dreaded cycle.. again.. and again.. They just don't understand, won't or can't.
 
girlsboysthems

girlsboysthems

philosophical suicide but not religion
Dec 19, 2022
70
I just think they don't understand. no one does except these people on this forum. its so fucking hard going back and forth everyday. i feel you and i wish you the best <3
 
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