Too much noise

[angelicisight]

One of the strangest mysteries to me in life is how the richer you are the quieter your life seems to be. I normally like noise, so I don't understand why people like it quiet, but sometimes the noise is too much. Sometimes it feels like it keeps me from ever being able to focus.

Normally people don't notice me or they leave me alone, so I can quietly process life to myself. I always have noise in my life, and I keep myself with plenty of activity, but when I hear people it's a different sound. Sounds turn to shapes, obstacles, and barriers. They become something to see not just to hear, and I feel so caught up in it.

I've been told I have no self control, but I don't know. I feel like I just have no control over what others are doing. I don't really want that power though, and I don't want to do what it takes to get that either. I guess I have no control who takes up space in my life. That's the truth more than I have no self control.

This is taking up so much of my space already. I guess I just have to wait for the noise to quiet down. I think given enough time, I will either be left alone or banned. I am fine with either or, but I know what I want most here hasn't changed. I want a place to let things die. I don't want to feel any life here.

Maybe it's the rest of my life that will die instead. It feels like I am barely living. I feel like I work so little. I am always taking breaks. I cared so much about my business and really getting a model that is fairer for people, but it seems I am barely about to do the work. I am constantly bogged down in my personal life. It just seems like I have no life anywhere, and it feels like I don't want it. I just want to work, but I keep wrestling with life. It takes up too much of my time.

I'd love to be dead and feel nothing. I'd love to have no noise and only peace. There's a part of me that is happy to be alive, but I don't want to feel that in my mind. I feel it robs my life of meaning when it is there.

It definitely keeps me from working. The noise from it is so loud, and it steals my focus. I have no energy for anything else. It invades my space and I can't kick it out. I just have to try and make it die as best I can.

The struggle makes me feel so tired. I am so worried it will kill me. I don't know how I can keep managing to work past it. I have no space. I feel invaded by noise. I wish I knew how to make space for myself. It never seems to work like I want.

 

[Pluto]

If the inability to focus is an ADHD-type thing, I relate and it's awful. Some people have managed to have breakthroughs with the right support. Having our own minds turn against us is an insufferable quality-of-life issue and should not be tolerated.

 

[Huntfish34]

Damn, Sadly I relate to Much of what you stated. Don't think I could have said it any better other than... " life on life's terms " Which has been my Biggest struggle in years past. It's sick, I Fckn hate it. Absolutely soul crushing.

I wish you Nothing but the best, Godspeed. ♥

 

[angelicisight]

If the inability to focus is an ADHD-type thing, I relate and it's awful. Some people have managed to have breakthroughs with the right support. Having our own minds turn against us is an insufferable quality-of-life issue and should not be tolerated.

I know it's my emotions. I can't regulate my care for things well. It's a very unstable place, my care. I was raised in a life that gave me nothing to care about, and the only thing I did care for was taken from me. Now even if I have developed mature concerns and values, my emotions are so unstable and overpower the other part of me rendering me useless until it just goes away.

That does sound like an attention issue, but I am not satisfied with the current diagnosis. I don't care about the symptoms. I want to know the problem. I haven't found it yet, but maybe here holds my solution.

Okay I will amend my desire for here. It is currently undecided.

 

[Pluto]

I don't care about the symptoms. I want to know the problem. I haven't found it yet, but maybe here holds my solution.

You are wise to be searching for the root of the problem. Sometimes people are helped by medication and so on, but it's not a long-term solution.

Emotion regulation issues are actually very common (probably affect the majority of the population to some degree) and they typically date back to childhood. Sometimes as children, we face situations where we cannot express emotions in a healthy way, so we have to repress them; this becomes a habit that causes trouble in later life.

There's a skill that can be learned in feeling emotions fully in the body without trying to push them away or judge them as desirable/undesirable. It's a bit of a paradox; the emotions only stop haunting us when they are embraced fully. The monster only disappears when we stop trying to run from it.

 

[angelicisight]

You are wise to be searching for the root of the problem. Sometimes people are helped by medication and so on, but it's not a long-term solution.

Emotion regulation issues are actually very common (probably affect the majority of the population to some degree) and they typically date back to childhood. Sometimes as children, we face situations where we cannot express emotions in a healthy way, so we have to repress them; this becomes a habit that causes trouble in later life.

There's a skill that can be learned in feeling emotions fully in the body without trying to push them away or judge them as desirable/undesirable. It's a bit of a paradox; the emotions only stop haunting us when they are embraced fully. The monster only disappears when we stop trying to run from it.

I was symptomatic of DID except I never really verified if my personality changed. I didn't care if that part was true or not, but I started really feeling for the first time again when I was 22. It was so much. I remember because I had helped the kids for 7 years. I remember one day realizing it was safe for me to expect things from people, and so I tried to do it. I realized that on a Wednesday, and I helped the kids on Wednesday.

I remember I felt anger from one kid. I knew since she was two, but I left her for a year when I moved to Texas. We were very close, and when I came back she was always angry at me. That was the first time I felt it even though I saw it.

I remember another kid, I felt sad. His dad was murdered when he was one. His mom suffered a lot from this, and so he suffered. I felt sad, and I never felt that from someone though I knew how sad he was.

There was another kid, I remember feeling weird. She was so weird haha. It was a fun feeling. I remember liking that.

Finally I remember feeling love. This kid had a mind just like me. It was always thinking about things, and she couldn't handle it. I remember one day, she was curled up in a ball. I took her up and just set her on my hip. Everything I did, I made her go with me because I couldn't see her broken like that. At the end of the day she suddenly became very calm and asked me to play Sorry with her. I knew she loved me. She asked me to be her dad, but that day was the first day I felt it.

It was the happiest day of my life feeling all that. I remember the kids were I think talking about the lesson, and I was just quiet for a moment feeling everything. I remember quietly crying. At least my eyes teared up, but thankfully they didn't notice. They wouldn't have understood what I was experiencing.

Unfortunately, that didn't last long. A kid had a fight at school. I learned from her mother what happened, so I talked with her about. They told me, I couldn't discuss these things with children. I lost my cool. I got so angry that I scared the person in charge. I didn't get mad in front of the kids, but I said something very hurtful in my anger. It went to the pastor. They kicked me out, and I couldn't help the kids anymore. I really haven't been able to feel like that because I have constantly felt in danger after that whenever I feel anything at all. Things have yet to settle.

The person that first took issue with me felt really bad after that, and wanted me to forgive them. I did, but when it got to the pastor it was another issue. He had some understanding of me that wasn't true, and I was very hostile against the lie. It eventually landed me imprison because he lied and said I was suicidal to the police. I wasn't. I was just very sad that Jeremy overdosed. He was trying to get his life better. He was addicted to heroine. He was starting to get better, but the men's group, his support, took a vacation. He relapsed and died leaving his four children without a father. I blamed the church for this, and in an expression of sadness during the whole conflict, the pastor said I was suicidal to lock me up for a time. I was already kicked out of the church at that point.

Hopefully I will be able to feel what I felt then again. It was the happiest day of my life even though the times were very painful then with other things that were going on. I don't really have anyone to care about anymore. It's hard to feel anything when you don't have anyone to care about, but I can't go back to that system. I know too much how it is. I could never belong to it again no matter what other name it takes on.