Tonight is the night

[bruisedmind]

They say you shouldn't make rash decisions when youre in crisis. I had a crisis on Sunday, and I've had time to think rationally about this for months off and on. I'm ready to die, hopefully my attempt at partial suspension hanging will work and i won't have to suffer anymore.

I've lost everything that meant something to me. I was dating a (fellow male) childhood friend who broke it off in January. I have begged him to give me a chance, not to leave me like everyone else has. Eventually he called me a lunatic, and said he'd call the police if I contacted him again.
I've lost my home, my job, my cocaine use is out of control, my family see me as a burden, and my friends aren't calling any more. I'm 26, I wish my life had more meaning and i wish i had faith that things would get better. But my journey up to this point was hard enough. I see now it's only going to get harder.

Making the decision to kill myself is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but going on living like this would be harder. I hope it works, I hope I die in a few hours time after my parents have gone to bed. It's the only way to finally be free, I see it now.

I wasn't on this forum for very long, but its been of some kind of comfort knowing that not everyone in the world thinks I'm selfish for what I'm about to do. I just want to be at peace now

 

[wanttodie]

good luck

 

[throwaway777]

i wish u love and peace <3

 

[Dead beat dad]

I'm sorry I didn't know you brother and I'm so sorry to hear about all your pain.
The world is a cruel place for the most part, I hope the comfort you found here brings you peace no matter where your journey takes you.
Peace be with you friend
DBD

 

[RainAndSadness]

Good luck. I wish you peace.

 

[bruisedmind]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Parents haven't gone up to bed yet. Once they have I'm going to knock back a few beers, get the cord off the cooking apron and take it up to bed

 

[bruisedmind]

I'm sat here and I'm worried about my family. They may not like me much right now but doing this will hurt people immensely won't it...?

 

[omoidarui]

if your family loves you then you'll devastate them by doing this. are you having second thoughts about this?

 

[bruisedmind]

I think I might be

 

[Fadingfast]

I've been there myself. There is no shame in choosing to stay alive. There are been 3 to 4 times this month that I've literally "stepped back from the ledge". I also fear the pain I will leave behind as well. If you have 2nd thoughts please reconsider.

 

[omoidarui]

i think you need to give this decision more time. you can always act as you wish later if things are still really bad

 

[bruisedmind]

I just hate me. The pain people and life in general have caused me to turn into who I now am. The pain I've probably caused people. If I had another idea I'd have tried it and it would've worked by now. All I ever wanted was to be someone's first choice, their number one. Im not even anyones number 5.

 

[Ἡγησίας]

Go to bed and let your mind rest. You have to reconsider your situation deeply, don't act impulsively.

 

[Invisible one]

I have always been told that emotional decisions have the potential to be bad decisions. I've steered clear of many things that I would have certainly regretted by taking steps back and reevaluating. Acting impulsively is not the best plan here. Get some sleep and try to clear your mind. Theres always tomorrow to move forward with any plan of your choosing. Just please weigh all your options first and be 100% confident in your decision. Sending hugs

 

[Fadingfast]

I just hate me. The pain people and life in general have caused me to turn into who I now am. The pain I've probably caused people. If I had another idea I'd have tried it and it would've worked by now. All I ever wanted was to be someone's first choice, their number one. Im not even anyones number 5.

I am so sorry you're hurt. I don't know your story but I hope you can discuss your problems before you act. I've had my heart broken more than once and it is some seriously intense shit... I'll be trying once again to piece my life back together. I hope you find some peace. In 12 hrs I leave to go to an inpatient facility where I will be contemplating my own suicidal thoughts. I feel no shame in clearing my head. There's nothing but time to figure it out.

 

[omoidarui]

don't commit yourself to a decision right now. sleep on this one

i don't claim to know your situation but sounds like you've been feeling like this since splitting from that guy? you don't want to ruin your family for him if you can help it. have the feelings for ctb stemmed from that mostly, or a combination of things? we're all here for you whenever you want to talk, to help you get through this

 

[bruisedmind]

don't commit yourself to a decision right now. sleep on this one

i don't claim to know your situation but sounds like you've been feeling like this since splitting from that guy? you don't want to ruin your family for him if you can help it. have the feelings for ctb stemmed from that mostly, or a combination of things? we're all here for you whenever you want to talk, to help you get through this

Id call this relationship ending the last straw. I'd dealt with my addictions getting worse, losing my home, job, driving license, dog, walking out on a toxic ex. And then my friend who was there for me became more than just my friend, and I started to think that maybe my life could really get better and stay better. Then he gave up on me like everyone else had, and I'm starting to run out of options.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

They say you shouldn't make rash decisions when youre in crisis. I had a crisis on Sunday, and I've had time to think rationally about this for months off and on. I'm ready to die, hopefully my attempt at partial suspension hanging will work and i won't have to suffer anymore.

I've lost everything that meant something to me. I was dating a (fellow male) childhood friend who broke it off in January. I have begged him to give me a chance, not to leave me like everyone else has. Eventually he called me a lunatic, and said he'd call the police if I contacted him again.
I've lost my home, my job, my cocaine use is out of control, my family see me as a burden, and my friends aren't calling any more. I'm 26, I wish my life had more meaning and i wish i had faith that things would get better. But my journey up to this point was hard enough. I see now it's only going to get harder.

Making the decision to kill myself is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but going on living like this would be harder. I hope it works, I hope I die in a few hours time after my parents have gone to bed. It's the only way to finally be free, I see it now.

I wasn't on this forum for very long, but its been of some kind of comfort knowing that not everyone in the world thinks I'm selfish for what I'm about to do. I just want to be at peace now

Hello mind. My son become an addict quite some time ago. His struggle was evident, and all his brother and I could do was wait. It made him so depressed, and suicidal. Well he has been clean for more than a year now, has a whole new set of friends and a lot more support, he is even getting back into the human rights sphere...smile. Have you looked up the medication Ibogaine Mind? It is an organic medicine that breaks through addiction very quickly. Ibogaine was unheard of until a year ago, at least to me, but it does have a very good reputation.
If you can check this avenue of release from the demon that binds you, you may find that hope does still exist...anyway...I am sorry to see your world come to this Mind. It is a terrible and tragic place to be. You are always welcome here...always. (((HUGS)))

I'm sat here and I'm worried about my family. They may not like me much right now but doing this will hurt people immensely won't it...?

Yes.

 

[omoidarui]

you've still got options, you're only 26 and relatively speaking, at the beginning of your story in life. i know someone who was depressed last year and had her driving license taken and all, but was recently elected as a Lib Dem councillor with 800+ votes. life's full of surprises although the downtime can suck

feels invasive to ask but have the problems started with the addiction?

 

[bruisedmind]

you've still got options, you're only 26 and relatively speaking, at the beginning of your story in life. i know someone who was depressed last year and had her driving license taken and all, but was recently elected as a Lib Dem councillor with 800+ votes. life's full of surprises although the downtime can suck

feels invasive to ask but have the problems started with the addiction?

At this point nothing's too invasive. I was abused at age 7, bullied in school and began cutting myself age 12. Discovered drugs by 15, developed an eating disorder at 17, raped at 19. I've been lied to, lead on and hurt by everyone who matters/mattered to me. I don't know a life any different, and I don't see it changing because no matter what I've tried t never does. I'm sat on my bedroom floor with the cord around my neck, just contemplating if this is my only way out

 

[Fadingfast]

Aww bruisedmind,

At this point nothing's too invasive. I was abused at age 7, bullied in school and began cutting myself age 12. Discovered drugs by 15, developed an eating disorder at 17, raped at 19. I've been lied to, lead on and hurt by everyone who matters/mattered to me. I don't know a life any different, and I don't see it changing because no matter what I've tried t never does. I'm sat on my bedroom floor with the cord around my neck, just contemplating if this is my only way out

I hope you put the cord down. I believe a few of us do. I suck at talking but I do care about the pain you're in...

 

[omoidarui]

Still thinking of you, hope you didn't feel like you had to decide in one night

I saw this on a subreddit for rape victims... we shed our cells at a rate that you essentially have a new untouched body after a few years. I don't know if this helps with the emotional impact, but it's meaningful in a lot of different contexts in life I think.

 

[CTB-London]

You sound uncertain. I suggest you come off the Coke because you spend a lot longer time in a low mood coming down than you do high. You also get all those negative and disinhibiting thoughts.

If you're still there, it would make sense to do this so you can think straight.

 

[bruisedmind]

I am still here. I tried it, I must have passed out because I banged my head on the bedroom door (convulsions?) and woke up. I'm disappointed it didn't work. I wish there was an easier way, a magic pill you can take which doesn't cost a million quid and needs shipping from mexico

 

[Soul]

Please be gentle with yourself, Mind! As others have said, please get some rest and then think over your options. You can still overcome the hard things you've been struggling with, and there's no reason to rush to ctb. Here are some hugs. Please get some rest now x

 

[omoidarui]

there's easier methods. a failed hanging attempt can leave you permanently disabled especially if you're discovered early, you need to be careful with this one bruv

 

[bruisedmind]

I'm broke, so N is out of the question. I considered a heroin OD but it's not as easy to get hold of as coke seems to be, despite them both being class A

 

[omoidarui]

Have you considered the inert gas, shallow water and 'night-night' methods?

 

[bruisedmind]

Have you considered the inert gas, shallow water and 'night-night' methods?

I've heard of the night night method but I'm not sure what it is. Sounds peaceful

 

[bitterness]

good luck. ily dude.. i hope it's painless and if it doesnt work out i ]hope it gets better<3