Venting tomorrow will be my last 24 hours.

[80hdigital]

eh, not really. i've always wanted to try shrooms, but any medications tend to freak me out. i don't know where i would even get it from, ha.

I'd PM you but i don't think my account is old enough.Also probably shouldn't break the rules here... I definitely would not do shrooms if you're worried about SI though.

 

[_elliott]

after a lot of personal problems, i've decided to go through with my plan to ctb. i have everything ready. i will leave 11/11 at around 11:30, and hopefully pass into 11/12.

i have a lot of personal burdens. a bad breakup, and much more that i want to be free from. i am realizing now no one will ever save me. i scream cried for three hours outside today, and i only had people ask me for smokes. most didn't look at me. no one said anything. i don't know if i wanted anyone to talk to me, i just needed a hug. i needed something and no one was there.

i am the only one who can save my drowning body and i can't do it. no one can help me. my therapy ditched me and everyone is getting frustrated with me. i am crumbling.

once you know you have nothing good to go towards, it's easier to make these goals. even those who do care can't help me.

i will be posting in this thread or a new one, very quickly, about my attempt and SN. i was supposed to clean my room and make things tidy before i go, but i don't have much energy. i might try to organize a bit before leaving, but i just don't have the energy to do anything else.

my online friends have a note cued up to be posted 11/20 on my twitter. that's good enough.

i'm sorry, to myself, for being so tired. i'm sorry i don't know how else to save you, but i can no longer allow you to hurt everyone else. to lie. you hurt yourself too, so much, and i deserve better than that. i can't fix this. i really can't. i'm tired of proving how much i've tried. it's not enough, ever. i'm sorry, _elliott. i'm sorry i let you down, you poor child, and i promise you that you will be at peace soon.

after again, a lot of thinking, i've decided i'm going to wait a month, and do it 12/12 instead. i still, very much want to die, but i don't want anyone i had talked to recently to think they're at fault for this. and besides, maybe things will get better. sorry for the false alarm, everyone.

 

[80hdigital]

after again, a lot of thinking, i've decided i'm going to wait a month, and do it 12/12 instead. i still, very much want to die, but i don't want anyone i had talked to recently to think they're at fault for this. and besides, maybe things will get better. sorry for the false alarm, everyone.

I'm glad to hear that you reconsidered :)

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

after again, a lot of thinking, i've decided i'm going to wait a month, and do it 12/12 instead. i still, very much want to die, but i don't want anyone i had talked to recently to think they're at fault for this. and besides, maybe things will get better. sorry for the false alarm, everyone.

No worries, nor need to apologize, as I always say to almost everyone that is planning on ctb, there is no shame on postponing it, if it is necessary or feels right to do; is our last act, better make sure we perform good on this last play; and leave the most serene and calm possible.

Wish you the best.

 

[NMOP3PISdn]

How are you feeling now?

 

[miserableforever]

after again, a lot of thinking, i've decided i'm going to wait a month, and do it 12/12 instead. i still, very much want to die, but i don't want anyone i had talked to recently to think they're at fault for this. and besides, maybe things will get better. sorry for the false alarm, everyone.

Death doesn't go anywhere. I know it's a generic thing to say, but it's still very true.

 

[NMOP3PISdn]

unfortunately weed gives me seizures, so i'll have to pass. but i'll try to relax.

yes, i'm still here my friend. i'll let you guys know if i took it when i do. i still haven't quite decided. which, i know sounds odd, but with everything i'm just thinking.

It's ok if you don't man. Don't feel pressured. That's not what this Forum is for. We're here for you no matter what.

 

[_elliott]

How are you feeling now?

still very tired. but okay. i have stuff i have to do and try first before anything stupid.

 

[bed]

after again, a lot of thinking, i've decided i'm going to wait a month, and do it 12/12 instead. i still, very much want to die, but i don't want anyone i had talked to recently to think they're at fault for this. and besides, maybe things will get better. sorry for the false alarm, everyone.

i hope things get better for you man, between now and then <3

 

[_elliott]

i had a sip of it- i'm depressed today and i wanted to experiment with how it would make me feel. i also don't care what happens. god, it is super fucking salty. the taste isn't too awful after, but it is disgusting.

i don't think it's going to kill me or anything so no one worry. it was literally just a sip. i'm more or less just bored. but yes; i think with enough effort i could chug this whole thing down. that's mainly what i needed to test

 

[bed]

i had a sip of it- i'm depressed today and i wanted to experiment with how it would make me feel. i also don't care what happens. god, it is super fucking salty. the taste isn't too awful after, but it is disgusting.

i don't think it's going to kill me or anything so no one worry. it was literally just a sip. i'm more or less just bored. but yes; i think with enough effort i could chug this whole thing down. that's mainly what i needed to test

that's a dangerous game to play. are you feeling okay after taking it? you can still call for help if you aren't.

 

[_elliott]

that's a dangerous game to play. are you feeling okay after taking it? you can still call for help if you aren't.

it's fine. nothing happened really.. just tired.

it's fine. nothing happened really.. just tired.

drank some more and ended up puking it out, which is okay. i think i'll be fine, this was just a test. i wonder if in the future, drinking it over the course of a few hours will have any results.

 

[_elliott]

update. do not feel well at all. not going to die but this is a LOT more painful than i thought it was going to be. headache, pounding heart. am i going to die? no i don't think so, so i'm not going to call for help or anything, but i'm glad i tested this out. i definitely need to make adjustments for when the time actually comes. god i can still taste it in my mouth. i wonder if i'm so dizzy partially because of my medications too-i take lexapro. i won't take it before my actual attempt then.
i'm dying oh my god. holy shit
i just went to the bathroom and fainted onto the floor. i can't move or stand up. oh my god i think i'm dying. i can't call for help. i don't want to call for help. i'm not scared of dying i just. this hurts a lot more than i thought it would

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I hope you are ok!

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Another update from OP

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/im-dying-right-now-im-actually-dying-sn.77177/

 

[Bedrock48]

Good god, will people stop testing sn by drinking it. We know it works, if you want to test do a blood or aquarium test.

At least it seems he made peace at the end but damn. I'm sorry dude, I hope you are at peace or being saved.