Konjac
Specialist
- Oct 25, 2020
- 301
I'm thinking tomorrow might be my last day depending on how everything goes. Months of harassment from my sexual assaulters has turned into actual physical assault as of today, and I've honestly had enough. They've tried to turn what they did onto me and now they're running around telling everyone, and of course people are gonna believe them because they're women. People don't take male victims seriously. They'll automatically side with them. It's not like anybody liked me anyways? I've always been ignored by everyone mainly but now people have a reason to target me. For something that's traumatised me, given me PTSD and makes me still have nightmares to this day. I didn't even have it in me to fight back. I let everyone think it was just because she was a girl and oddly enough I'm getting respect for not fighting back? But tbh the real reason was just because I don't give a single fuck anymore. Really, I just don't see the point in fighting anymore. They're not going to give up no matter what I do. I don't have the energy to stand up for myself anymore and I find it pathetic, but that's just how it is.
With all the other shit going on in my life I was already planning to CTB soon but there's genuinely no escaping this shit. They'll never leave me alone and the police aren't doing shit, saying it's a civil matter. It's just gonna keep escalating. If they try anything tomorrow then I'll 100% CTB. Shit's traumatic and I can't take it anymore. I hate to admit it but mentally I'm absolutely fucking destroyed. These past few months, I've genuinely lost almost everything. Someone asked me what my future plans were the other day and I broke down crying because holy shit, I don't see anything. In the past I've always at least had vague plans, like selling art or trying to get into med school, but now... nothing at all. Don't even see myself making it until Christmas. I think this is just the straw that broke the camel's back?
I really feel like shit. Among my peers I'll just be remembered as a degenerate, a nobody. My friends will forget about me, forget I ever even existed, same with my family eventually. But they'll be destroyed for a while and that's what gets me. I can just see them on Christmas, mourning me. Maybe if my situation was different, maybe if I never met those fucking shit excuses of humans I wouldn't be where I am now. Hell, maybe if they just left me alone after the incident even. But no, they keep actively trying to ruin my life. When going to the police didn't work because all the evidence was on my side, they've resorted to just straight up lies and well... bullying. I feel like this is their goal? For me to off myself? Is that what it'll take for all this to stop? I'm so upset. I've been inactive these past 2 or so weeks because life finally started to seem alright. On Tuesday, for the first time in months I actually left my house for something that wasn't a therapy session haha. I've finally got a social life. I was planning my future. I genuinely thought things were getting better, that maybe this'd be the end of my struggles. I saw myself looking back one day and thinking 'woah, I used to be that depressed?' but now, well. Yeah. I saw them, they sent one of their friends to harrass me via DMs. I was like 'okay, keyboard warriors, I can cope.' but uh yeah today it turned physical. I'm really just repeating myself at this point but. I'm so fucking done.
I keep getting flashbacks and it's so fucking embarrassing. I find myself fucking rocking back and forth chanting 'no, stop, stop fucking touching me' just remembering that night. Sometimes it's as if I can still feel their hands on me. As if the bruises from where they held me down are still on my skin, as if I'm still bleeding, as if I'm still right there as it's happening. I still remember the fucking betrayal I felt. The people I called my closest friends had violated me like that. The next day, I didn't know what to do. I tried to kill myself then- jumping off a building and taking an OD but thanks to security that didn't work out for me. Honestly, for days I was in a state of shock. Nobody knew what was wrong with me. Eventually I just learned to suppress it like I do with everything else. For a few weeks I even started talking to one of them again because I was just so fucking alone and they were guilt tripping me like crazy. Sending apology after apology, 'i'm so sorry i feel like a monster' and 'we never should've done that to you' and I fell for it like the idiot I am. They fucking joked about what happened to me, expecting me to laugh along and I was so uncomfortable. I told them it was okay, that I forgave them, that it must've just been some silly mistake because they really were the only people I had left and I didn't want to be alone again. Even though I felt so weird around them, even though I'd break down half of the time we talked because I'd get flashbacks I just pushed it down. Blamed it on me being a pussy, I guess. One day something snapped and I realised, they were never fucking sorry. I still feel so stupid to this day for believing them, for even giving them the chance. Then it all became too much and I attempted suicide again and ended up being sectioned. Tried to kill myself again on the ward by drinking mouthwash and slitting my wrists and I somehow ended up on a group call with them? I remember just fucking sobbing and trying to turn it off but I was so out of it ahah. But ever since then I haven't directly contacted either of them. For a while I tried to just work on my mental health, try and move on and forget about it. But they kept fucking persisting. At first, just messages, then they came up to me and tried starting. When they thought that didn't work they suddenly got the police involved. All of a sudden I'm some fucking rapist. Luckily the police heard me out and I had a decent amount of proof I'd managed to gather, and they sided with me. Asked if I wanted to take it to court, but I decided not to because I just wanted it over with, but I didn't feel safe still so I didn't really leave the house for months. Ofc they still found ways to get to me online. Then we get to Tuesday which is where it all kicked off so.
But, yeah, I feel completely alone and stuck. I just feel like nobody believes me, and I'm not going to fucking go around trying to prove myself to random strangers? Recounting the most traumatic event of my life over and over just isn't for me. I would try getting a restraining order, taking the option of escalating this to the courts but I was gonna die anyways. It'll just be sooner than expected, I guess. If it's not tomorrow, it'll be soon after Christmas unless something drastically changes. I'm not optimistic. If you read through this all the way, thank you. I know that was ridiculously long but fuck I'm so tired of bottling everything up. I just needed someone to hear me out and I can't really share this with people I know anyways because I don't want to concern them.
Anyways, quick question. I'm planning on getting drunk earlier on during the day with some mates, then at night I plan on taking the SN. It'll just be vodka mixed with diet coke, so nothing substantial I guess? I'd have a second cup prepared in case of vomiting, as well. Would having the vodka in my system affect the absorption at all?
With all the other shit going on in my life I was already planning to CTB soon but there's genuinely no escaping this shit. They'll never leave me alone and the police aren't doing shit, saying it's a civil matter. It's just gonna keep escalating. If they try anything tomorrow then I'll 100% CTB. Shit's traumatic and I can't take it anymore. I hate to admit it but mentally I'm absolutely fucking destroyed. These past few months, I've genuinely lost almost everything. Someone asked me what my future plans were the other day and I broke down crying because holy shit, I don't see anything. In the past I've always at least had vague plans, like selling art or trying to get into med school, but now... nothing at all. Don't even see myself making it until Christmas. I think this is just the straw that broke the camel's back?
I really feel like shit. Among my peers I'll just be remembered as a degenerate, a nobody. My friends will forget about me, forget I ever even existed, same with my family eventually. But they'll be destroyed for a while and that's what gets me. I can just see them on Christmas, mourning me. Maybe if my situation was different, maybe if I never met those fucking shit excuses of humans I wouldn't be where I am now. Hell, maybe if they just left me alone after the incident even. But no, they keep actively trying to ruin my life. When going to the police didn't work because all the evidence was on my side, they've resorted to just straight up lies and well... bullying. I feel like this is their goal? For me to off myself? Is that what it'll take for all this to stop? I'm so upset. I've been inactive these past 2 or so weeks because life finally started to seem alright. On Tuesday, for the first time in months I actually left my house for something that wasn't a therapy session haha. I've finally got a social life. I was planning my future. I genuinely thought things were getting better, that maybe this'd be the end of my struggles. I saw myself looking back one day and thinking 'woah, I used to be that depressed?' but now, well. Yeah. I saw them, they sent one of their friends to harrass me via DMs. I was like 'okay, keyboard warriors, I can cope.' but uh yeah today it turned physical. I'm really just repeating myself at this point but. I'm so fucking done.
I keep getting flashbacks and it's so fucking embarrassing. I find myself fucking rocking back and forth chanting 'no, stop, stop fucking touching me' just remembering that night. Sometimes it's as if I can still feel their hands on me. As if the bruises from where they held me down are still on my skin, as if I'm still bleeding, as if I'm still right there as it's happening. I still remember the fucking betrayal I felt. The people I called my closest friends had violated me like that. The next day, I didn't know what to do. I tried to kill myself then- jumping off a building and taking an OD but thanks to security that didn't work out for me. Honestly, for days I was in a state of shock. Nobody knew what was wrong with me. Eventually I just learned to suppress it like I do with everything else. For a few weeks I even started talking to one of them again because I was just so fucking alone and they were guilt tripping me like crazy. Sending apology after apology, 'i'm so sorry i feel like a monster' and 'we never should've done that to you' and I fell for it like the idiot I am. They fucking joked about what happened to me, expecting me to laugh along and I was so uncomfortable. I told them it was okay, that I forgave them, that it must've just been some silly mistake because they really were the only people I had left and I didn't want to be alone again. Even though I felt so weird around them, even though I'd break down half of the time we talked because I'd get flashbacks I just pushed it down. Blamed it on me being a pussy, I guess. One day something snapped and I realised, they were never fucking sorry. I still feel so stupid to this day for believing them, for even giving them the chance. Then it all became too much and I attempted suicide again and ended up being sectioned. Tried to kill myself again on the ward by drinking mouthwash and slitting my wrists and I somehow ended up on a group call with them? I remember just fucking sobbing and trying to turn it off but I was so out of it ahah. But ever since then I haven't directly contacted either of them. For a while I tried to just work on my mental health, try and move on and forget about it. But they kept fucking persisting. At first, just messages, then they came up to me and tried starting. When they thought that didn't work they suddenly got the police involved. All of a sudden I'm some fucking rapist. Luckily the police heard me out and I had a decent amount of proof I'd managed to gather, and they sided with me. Asked if I wanted to take it to court, but I decided not to because I just wanted it over with, but I didn't feel safe still so I didn't really leave the house for months. Ofc they still found ways to get to me online. Then we get to Tuesday which is where it all kicked off so.
But, yeah, I feel completely alone and stuck. I just feel like nobody believes me, and I'm not going to fucking go around trying to prove myself to random strangers? Recounting the most traumatic event of my life over and over just isn't for me. I would try getting a restraining order, taking the option of escalating this to the courts but I was gonna die anyways. It'll just be sooner than expected, I guess. If it's not tomorrow, it'll be soon after Christmas unless something drastically changes. I'm not optimistic. If you read through this all the way, thank you. I know that was ridiculously long but fuck I'm so tired of bottling everything up. I just needed someone to hear me out and I can't really share this with people I know anyways because I don't want to concern them.
Anyways, quick question. I'm planning on getting drunk earlier on during the day with some mates, then at night I plan on taking the SN. It'll just be vodka mixed with diet coke, so nothing substantial I guess? I'd have a second cup prepared in case of vomiting, as well. Would having the vodka in my system affect the absorption at all?
