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Konjac

Konjac

Experienced
Oct 25, 2020
292
I'm thinking tomorrow might be my last day depending on how everything goes. Months of harassment from my sexual assaulters has turned into actual physical assault as of today, and I've honestly had enough. They've tried to turn what they did onto me and now they're running around telling everyone, and of course people are gonna believe them because they're women. People don't take male victims seriously. They'll automatically side with them. It's not like anybody liked me anyways? I've always been ignored by everyone mainly but now people have a reason to target me. For something that's traumatised me, given me PTSD and makes me still have nightmares to this day. I didn't even have it in me to fight back. I let everyone think it was just because she was a girl and oddly enough I'm getting respect for not fighting back? But tbh the real reason was just because I don't give a single fuck anymore. Really, I just don't see the point in fighting anymore. They're not going to give up no matter what I do. I don't have the energy to stand up for myself anymore and I find it pathetic, but that's just how it is.

With all the other shit going on in my life I was already planning to CTB soon but there's genuinely no escaping this shit. They'll never leave me alone and the police aren't doing shit, saying it's a civil matter. It's just gonna keep escalating. If they try anything tomorrow then I'll 100% CTB. Shit's traumatic and I can't take it anymore. I hate to admit it but mentally I'm absolutely fucking destroyed. These past few months, I've genuinely lost almost everything. Someone asked me what my future plans were the other day and I broke down crying because holy shit, I don't see anything. In the past I've always at least had vague plans, like selling art or trying to get into med school, but now... nothing at all. Don't even see myself making it until Christmas. I think this is just the straw that broke the camel's back?

I really feel like shit. Among my peers I'll just be remembered as a degenerate, a nobody. My friends will forget about me, forget I ever even existed, same with my family eventually. But they'll be destroyed for a while and that's what gets me. I can just see them on Christmas, mourning me. Maybe if my situation was different, maybe if I never met those fucking shit excuses of humans I wouldn't be where I am now. Hell, maybe if they just left me alone after the incident even. But no, they keep actively trying to ruin my life. When going to the police didn't work because all the evidence was on my side, they've resorted to just straight up lies and well... bullying. I feel like this is their goal? For me to off myself? Is that what it'll take for all this to stop? I'm so upset. I've been inactive these past 2 or so weeks because life finally started to seem alright. On Tuesday, for the first time in months I actually left my house for something that wasn't a therapy session haha. I've finally got a social life. I was planning my future. I genuinely thought things were getting better, that maybe this'd be the end of my struggles. I saw myself looking back one day and thinking 'woah, I used to be that depressed?' but now, well. Yeah. I saw them, they sent one of their friends to harrass me via DMs. I was like 'okay, keyboard warriors, I can cope.' but uh yeah today it turned physical. I'm really just repeating myself at this point but. I'm so fucking done.

I keep getting flashbacks and it's so fucking embarrassing. I find myself fucking rocking back and forth chanting 'no, stop, stop fucking touching me' just remembering that night. Sometimes it's as if I can still feel their hands on me. As if the bruises from where they held me down are still on my skin, as if I'm still bleeding, as if I'm still right there as it's happening. I still remember the fucking betrayal I felt. The people I called my closest friends had violated me like that. The next day, I didn't know what to do. I tried to kill myself then- jumping off a building and taking an OD but thanks to security that didn't work out for me. Honestly, for days I was in a state of shock. Nobody knew what was wrong with me. Eventually I just learned to suppress it like I do with everything else. For a few weeks I even started talking to one of them again because I was just so fucking alone and they were guilt tripping me like crazy. Sending apology after apology, 'i'm so sorry i feel like a monster' and 'we never should've done that to you' and I fell for it like the idiot I am. They fucking joked about what happened to me, expecting me to laugh along and I was so uncomfortable. I told them it was okay, that I forgave them, that it must've just been some silly mistake because they really were the only people I had left and I didn't want to be alone again. Even though I felt so weird around them, even though I'd break down half of the time we talked because I'd get flashbacks I just pushed it down. Blamed it on me being a pussy, I guess. One day something snapped and I realised, they were never fucking sorry. I still feel so stupid to this day for believing them, for even giving them the chance. Then it all became too much and I attempted suicide again and ended up being sectioned. Tried to kill myself again on the ward by drinking mouthwash and slitting my wrists and I somehow ended up on a group call with them? I remember just fucking sobbing and trying to turn it off but I was so out of it ahah. But ever since then I haven't directly contacted either of them. For a while I tried to just work on my mental health, try and move on and forget about it. But they kept fucking persisting. At first, just messages, then they came up to me and tried starting. When they thought that didn't work they suddenly got the police involved. All of a sudden I'm some fucking rapist. Luckily the police heard me out and I had a decent amount of proof I'd managed to gather, and they sided with me. Asked if I wanted to take it to court, but I decided not to because I just wanted it over with, but I didn't feel safe still so I didn't really leave the house for months. Ofc they still found ways to get to me online. Then we get to Tuesday which is where it all kicked off so.

But, yeah, I feel completely alone and stuck. I just feel like nobody believes me, and I'm not going to fucking go around trying to prove myself to random strangers? Recounting the most traumatic event of my life over and over just isn't for me. I would try getting a restraining order, taking the option of escalating this to the courts but I was gonna die anyways. It'll just be sooner than expected, I guess. If it's not tomorrow, it'll be soon after Christmas unless something drastically changes. I'm not optimistic. If you read through this all the way, thank you. I know that was ridiculously long but fuck I'm so tired of bottling everything up. I just needed someone to hear me out and I can't really share this with people I know anyways because I don't want to concern them.

Anyways, quick question. I'm planning on getting drunk earlier on during the day with some mates, then at night I plan on taking the SN. It'll just be vodka mixed with diet coke, so nothing substantial I guess? I'd have a second cup prepared in case of vomiting, as well. Would having the vodka in my system affect the absorption at all?
 
Lost in a Dream

Lost in a Dream

He/him - Metal head
Feb 22, 2020
1,673
It's bullshit that abuse against males is ignored by most people, especially when the perpetrators are women. When the roles are reversed, most people would want the perpetrator's head on a spike, but in cases like these the reactions are "meh". If only everyone would treat every instance of abuse the same. It doesn't matter what an evil person's genitals look like, they are all the same - eager to ruin someone else's life so they can get off on it.

I'm sorry that you had to experience all of that, only to have none of it taken seriously by people outside of this site. I wish there was some way you could get away from those horrible people and recover from what happened, so that you didn't have to be here wondering if it's time to CTB or not. If you do decide that it's time, then I hope that doing so brings the peace you deserve.

Also, I wouldn't recommend drinking the vodka and diet coke mixture before taking the SN. I'm not an expert on how those things might affect one another, but in your situation, I wouldn't want to risk it. It might be safer to enjoy one last drink and wait at least one more day before using the SN (if possible). If that isn't possible for you, then it would be safer to skip the vodka.
 
Konjac

Konjac

Experienced
Oct 25, 2020
292
It's bullshit that abuse against males is ignored by most people, especially when the perpetrators are women. When the roles are reversed, most people would want the perpetrator's head on a spike, but in cases like these the reactions are "meh". If only everyone would treat every instance of abuse the same. It doesn't matter what an evil person's genitals look like, they are all the same - eager to ruin someone else's life so they can get off on it.

I'm sorry that you had to experience all of that, only to have none of it taken seriously by people outside of this site. I wish there was some way you could get away from those horrible people and recover from what happened, so that you didn't have to be here wondering if it's time to CTB or not. If you do decide that it's time, then I hope that doing so brings the peace you deserve.

Also, I wouldn't recommend drinking the vodka and diet coke mixture before taking the SN. I'm not an expert on how those things might affect one another, but in your situation, I wouldn't want to risk it. It might be safer to enjoy one last drink and wait at least one more day before using the SN (if possible). If that isn't possible for you, then it would be safer to skip the vodka.
Yeah, for real. Thank you for being so understanding. I hope that my death can at least bring people some awareness around the issue of male sexual assault. I think that's the only good thing that could possibly come out of this situation, aside from finally being able to find peace of course.

I've slept on it and decided that today's gonna be the day. I think I'll have one last drink earlier in the day and then way later on, I'll drink the SN. I think 12+ hours is long enough to get it out of my system, and I don't get hangovers so fingers crossed. I'll have a second dose prepared just in case.
 
F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
I'm so sorry this happened, it's so unfair. I don't know what to say to be honest. Sending hugs your way :hug: . I read your whole story and it sounds very traumatic, coupled with it constantly being re-triggered. It's so unfair.

I'm sad to hear you were feeling better and that was ruined. You deserve better and shouldn't feel you need to be a martyr for male survivors. Cause you did survive and got back up and through sheer force of will, recovered a bit. I don't know what else to say but I feel for you friend. :heart:
 
Konjac

Konjac

Experienced
Oct 25, 2020
292
I'm so sorry this happened, it's so unfair. I don't know what to say to be honest. Sending hugs your way :hug: . I read your whole story and it sounds very traumatic, coupled with it constantly being re-triggered. It's so unfair.

I'm sad to hear you were feeling better and that was ruined. You deserve better and shouldn't feel you need to be a martyr for male survivors. Cause you did survive and got back up and through sheer force of will, recovered a bit. I don't know what else to say but I feel for you friend. :heart:
Thank you for reading it all and hearing me out. That reply honestly made me tear up, in a good way dw haha. The world's really an unfair place. I wish recovery was possible for me, but honestly with all the other stuff going on in my life right now, it's just not gonna happen. I gave it a try so I'm proud of myself for that at least, even if it didn't end up working out. Sending virtual hugs :')
 
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F

foxdie

Got my ticket
Aug 18, 2020
1,011
Thank you for reading it all and hearing me out. That reply honestly made me tear up, in a good way dw haha. The world's really an unfair place. I wish recovery was possible for me, but honestly with all the other stuff going on in my life right now, it's just not gonna happen. I gave it a try so I'm proud of myself for that at least, even if it didn't end up working out. Sending virtual hugs :')
Your story made me tear up so I guess it's only fair haha. You should be proud of yourself. I wish things were different for all of us. But you know your life and yourself best so I can only wish you peace and comfort on your journey :hug:
 
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painoflife

painoflife

Arcanist
Jul 27, 2019
414
I am so sorry for what you have been through. There are no words that can take away the pain you feel but believe me when I say that I absolutely believe you and I am sure many others do too. You do not deserve any of this and it is so unfair that you suffer while they continue to torment you.
I hope that you can get some peace from everything before the end whether thats soon, after Christmas or even way in the future.
 
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Red

Red

Warlock
Apr 10, 2019
744
People are such shits, I hate that they do horrible, cruel things like this and make out that the victim is to blame when all they've tried to do is endure..!
You're much stronger than you think, you've withstood absolute hell and have my respect and empathy :heart:
I don't know how this kind of crap is still in the human psyche it's just fucking awful :mmm:
 
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